Wow

This is the first time I am writing in a long time - I am not sure why - well one would be I could not access this site for a while -
 I have finally got enough of my shit together to have something to write about aswell, so here we go...

Here we are just a couple of weeks away from Christmas and I am as good as I have been in a while but I cant help but think I could be doing much better. The holidays have always been my favorite time of year - with all the joy and the giving and the cooking and family being around - this year is a bit different though, most of the family I usually spend this time with (my son in particular) is not here this year he is off doing his own things and I am very proud of him for that but, it doesnt make me want to spend this time away from him.

Its all good though I have my friends and my mom and I also have a great family all around me so life is good. I plan to make new friends and keep in touch with old ones more this year and in the coming year  - is it weird that I already have a new years resolution? Well it is me and thats where I am at right now - all optimistic and shit - lol


I am in a better place than I was a year ago and I will be in a better spot in a year from now so as far as I am concerned its all good.


Thanks for listening


Doris Belbusti

loneliness

The past few days - maybe weeks - have been kinda bad for me - not too sure why, but I have been feeling the urge to cry alot, and I don't get it.

I am hoping that it is just a release of stress, I am usually more in control of my emotions and very few people have seen me cry.

I have had a very deep feeling of loneliness that I am not sure how to deal with. I know I have to be this way until I get back on my feet, but it still would be nice to have a friend spend some time and talk to me a bit.

I know that I am kinda far away and that gas is expensive and that people have lives, but I would just like to know that someone cares enough to make room in their lives for me - I don't expect much, I would just like to know that their is someone out their - besides my mom - who is being very good to me by the way - that wants to spend some time with me.
I love my mom and she is being very patient and good to me, its just not the same as having a girl-friend to talk to, or a guy come take me outta here for a couple of hours or a sister who wants to make sure I am ok.

I am just feeling very alone right now and even the people who tell me they love me or say they will help me are too busy to actually spend any time with me. I feel like an after-thought.

I LOVE YOU?

Those are supposed to be the three most sought after words that we all long to hear, but what do they really mean? I have heard so many people tell me they love me  that it doesn't mean anything to me anymore.
The truth is actions speak louder than words and when the actions of someone who says they love you do not match the words that are coming out of their mouth I get very confused and I shouldn't because words are just words the true feelings cannot be contained into a simple phrase.

If I never hear those words again it will be fine, I want to feel the feeling that makes those words irrelevant

People say that you will feel it when it is right but I am not sure that I would recognize that or if I could even feel it at all.
I may just be getting bitter in my age and I really am frightened about that but how many times can you have your hopes and dreams stepped on before you just give up? I am not there yet but I am on the precipice.

People think that I confuse lust with love and I don't I am fully aware that there is a huge difference and they are not mutually exclusive you can have one with out the other - lust is one thing I am not lacking. 

Maybe it is in my nature to make other people confuse the 2 concepts I don't know and I don't think that adults should be confused that easily, but we all have an inner child that just craves closeness.

Maybe I am just expecting too much from the human race. I never thought of my self as a romantic or mushy but these days it would be nice to have someone to just hug me and tell me everything is gonna ok - even if it isn't. Someone who doesn't mind that I am a train-wreck, maybe because they are too, but is willing  to put up with my moods and everything else that is me.

umm today?

Today is a bad emotional day for me - I am trying very hard to keep it together but I am not sure I can handle this alone - I know that God wouldn't have given me this challenge if I could not live up to it, but right now I am so lost and  not sure that I am even worthy of the confidence that God has placed in me.

I have no idea how to handle this or what is gonna happen to me when it is finally over - I am going to be lost and a mess forever, I fear.

I cant believe that I let my life get so bad that there is no way out. I cant see a future, I cant see any thing  helping me I just don't see a way out. I have great faith which has kept me going until now but I just don't know where to go and what to do anymore - its all gone.

I just pray and wish that I could at least imagine a better life.

my thoughts

I have been down this road before - aren't we supposed to learn from our mistakes?  What about matters of the heart? They are rarely in our control and often the most painful mistakes we make. This should teach us a lesson?

Yet deep down I know that I am just a hopeless romantic - waiting for prince charming to come and sweep me off my feet. The problem is I get swept too easily - I have had the feeling that - this is the right one so many times that I am afraid that I wont recognize the real one when it comes along and end up alone at Applebees at 60 years old wondering what the hell happened.

I think for all my stubbornness and proclamations of  independence that I am really afraid of being alone and the fact that it scares me, scares me - does that make sense? I have never been afraid of really anything so this is definitely a new feeling.
These days I feel alone even when I am with the with people who claim to love me - this I do not understand at all. Shouldn't that be enough to be loved?

The fact that my life is a train-wreck right now is making these emotions 100x worse because this should be the last thing on my mind - I should be trying to get my life together and get myself on the right path, yet all I keep pondering is if I am gonna be alone forever and is this it?

So I sit here in the silence of my mind and ponder whether or not I should be worried about such things right now or if I should just give in to the fact that I have already had my chances and I blew it and get over it and move on.
Right now the feeling that I have is hard to describe - my soul hurts

Why?

I don't know if this happens to anyone else but, why whenever I feel like maybe I can be happy - the illusion falls apart.
I get one or two glimmers of how life is supposed to be and then *smack* back to reality, where I am a train-wreck with no hope of happiness or even normalcy. Its like someone wants to show me what I could have had if I wasn't such a mess and I don't know how to not be a mess.

I don't know what to do -

first issue being that sometimes my mess spills into other people lives and I don't want that, but I always have the illusion that there is someone out there that can help me fix this and so I let people in and all I do is make my mess bigger and involve them, and that sucks for them because I am beyond help at this point and now they feel for me and there is nothing I can do to fix that. Don't get me wrong I have genuine feelings for people in my life and I appreciate them and the distraction that they give me but it is not realistic for me to involve other people in this mess that I have created for myself.

Second issue being that I have no clue how to fix myself which is problem for a number of reasons. I know I have it in me to be a good person and to just get on the ball and resolve some of these issues, yet I cant figure out how or what to do to make it better. Its like knowing there is a storm coming and having no preparations, you know that you should get ready but something tells you not to do anything, does that make any sense?

love,lust, and loneliness

What is love? Does anybody really know? I thought that I did many years ago, but I am not sure anymore.

Lust is one of the seven deadly sins for a reason, it is not necessarily a bad emotion, just misunderstood. There needs to be a certain amount of lust for any relationship to be fully functional.

Loneliness on the other hand has been a friend of mine for a long time now. Even when I am with people that I care about I still feel a deep loneliness that resonates through me.

If it were not for these 3 emotions life would be boring and a whole lot less complicated.

You can love someone and have no lust for them, any relationship like this is not going to stand very long, you will look for lust somewhere else and any bond you did have will be gone.

You can certainly have lust with no love - I know this feeling very well - but again this is kind of an empty feeling - that eventually leads to loneliness.

The trick to life is to find a balance of these three feelings. Some loneliness is appropriate, to reflect on the relationships with the people in your life and to make sure they are healthy. Lust must be there for any attraction to start or build a relationship. Finally love - love is an odd emotion because it comes and goes over time - which we are taught it is not supposed to do - we are told from day one that love is everlasting. Some is - like the love of a mother or a father, but true love between two people, I am not sure it is supposed to last forever.

One other thing that I am not sure of at this moment is: is everyone capable of love? I am not sure that life's lessons do not weigh too heavy on the heart sometimes for us to be capable of that first feeling of love.
I actually have been pondering this for a while and am not sure that I am capable of love in that sense. I care for people and worry about their well-being but that is not the same as being "in love".

 I am pretty sure that I know how it feels to be in love but I don not know if I have ever felt it - does that make sense?  I have had fleeting moments where I thought it was possible, but that never lasts very long and I end up feeling very defeated.

These are just my thoughts so take them for what they are worth - I am just a chick trying to figure out where to be