Feelings

      Well this day has been pretty much the same as all the other ones that I have had recently - they are all starting to run together. Until now I have kept this blog pretty general and impersonal but toady I cant help but write about my life and how bad I am feeling lately.
I do not know how to describe the way that I feel other than to say I am very alone, and most of the time this is ok with me, I was even starting to enjoy it - not having to deal with anyone else telling me or asking me for anything, but somewhere along the line I have gotten lonely and I am not sure when or why that happened because I have always been pretty independent and hard to be around so this is a new feeling for me and I am truly confused by it.  The fact that I am also unemployed is a huge issue because not only am I alone but I am pretty bored most of the time - aside from the voices in my head I have no one to even bounce ideas off of to think outside the box about income or opportunities.
I need something to keep my head in the right place and moving forward, but right now and for the past little while I have felt very stagnant and to speak the truth overwhelmed by my situation .  I haven't slept very well and hence haven't been able to think very clearly during the day.  This has never been that big of a deal usually - I have had some sort of insomnia most of my life and have always been able to deal with it with out any manic episodes, but recently the days have been harder to get through and the nights are just - well days with no sunlight.
I never really do this - put myself out here all raw and with out my walls up - so I hope that no one takes offense to the fact that I am doing it publicly instead of going to someone in confidence - I wasn't sure who to turn to - as I said I am feeling very alone and not sure that feeling isn't just reality slapping me in the face.

Well that is enough of that - I never am like this - only a few people have seen me cry and those were very unusual circumstances - I never cry - its a sign of weakness I was once told and I guess it struck. I do find myself crying alone alot at home these days and I am not sure what to do about that.