realizations

k so I have been writing a lot lately and I think it is good because I am getting in tune with my self. I have come to a couple of realizations about my self and how I interact with others.

The first being that I have intimacy issues that prevent me from attaching to much to other people.  The second is that I am actually a pretty private person, meaning that I will tell anyone anything they want to know but not the actual details that make it me - if that makes any sense.

 I have a tendency to get to a point in any relationship, be it a friend or a intimate one and then I tend to pull back and push that person away - I think it is because the few people that I have ever let in - learned all about me and then just left - I am not sure why they left, I always assumed that I scared them away but now I am not so sure that didn't push them out the door.  

I am going to try to work on these issues at some point, not at the moment though - simply because it is not necessarily a bad thing to not make connections at this point in my life. My life is a train-wreck right now and I need to really focus on trying to get my self dug out of this hole - no one else is going to help me and I really want to be able to help more people in the future - so I am an island for now and someday I hope that this will change and I will be able to help out all my friends and family and  my community.