As I sit alone, facing the world tomorrow doesn't seem so bad. The days to come are not looking as gloomy as they are filled with hope. The days of my life that are lonely and filled with angst seem to be so far away that I don't even remember them too much anymore. The whole world will soon be filled with my brazen love for life. The world I once knew as lonely and forsaken has taken on a whole new meaning in my eyes, the way that has been, will never be again. The way that love has treated me will no longer rule my life and prevent me from doing things that I once loved to do. There is new day ahead filled with bright sunshine and endless possibilities and opportunities. The world has never seen the likes of a person like me and it may never again, so I must leave my mark in as many places as I possibly can while I am still here. I have given up too much to just sit on the sidelines and watch the world and my life just pass me by, its my time and I will make it the best time for all the world to see. This a new horizon for me and for all the people who I like to call my friends.
The part of this story that is true - is that this is the way that I would like to believe that I feel. Yet I do not, as I sit here alone on this Friday night thinking about facing the world tomorrow, and hoping and praying for some relief of this terrible feeling that I have deep in my soul, I fear there is none - just anxiety and stress and more worries. There is no one coming to rescue me or even to be here with me to help me deal with this mess that I have made of my life. Not that anyone should come I have made this mess and I need to figure out how to get out of it on my own, but it would be nice to just have some one that I can talk to honestly and be ok feeling vulnerable around that wouldn't judge me or tell me what to do - just listen and make me feel like its all gonna be ok.
I love you
deb
Friday, September 10, 2010
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Recurring themes
Ok well this seems to be a recurring theme in my life so I am gonna run with it -
Every time I feel good about what I am doing or the direction my life is headed - I get this sinking feeling in my chest. The thought of getting out of his mess that I have made of my life is so great and every time I think I see the light at the end of the tunnel or even just some semblance of maybe seeing any day light at all, my emotions just seem to run away with me.
I don't know why I cant make one move in the right direction without feeling like I am a complete failure and that it doesn't matter what I do - it will fail and land me farther away from my goal than I was before I made the move.
I dream of the life that I would like to have and I set goals to get me there, and every time I start to make decisions based on those goals, I find something that I didn't take into account or see that that step will actually be bad for me and my family. What should I do?
How do you balance love into this messed up mix of crap? Does anyone else deserve to be brought into this mess? Every time some one comes into my life - they try to fix it, or rescue me from myself and that is not love it is a complex that ( I think) most men have, to rescue the damsel in distress, which I have never seen myself as being but I guess I do act like that sometimes - needy and vulnerable. This just proves to me that I am not as tuned into how I present myself to people, as I think that I am. So I am thinking that I need to work on how I see myself, before I should go looking for someone else. Problem is I haven't been looking for anyone but someone has found me and thinks they are in love with me, but is this possible? I don't even know myself very well how could someone else know me well enough to think they are in love with me?
I think people fall in love with the idea of love. Having some one there all the time to take care of us and for us to take care of no matter what happens always be there for us. This is an ideal that I am not sure I believe in. The concept is great, but does it work in reality? I have never seen proof, I mean I know the way you feel when you think your in love and its great, but it doesn't last very long, its like walking around with rose-colored glasses on - at some point you have to snap into reality and get through life. Life is hard enough when all you have to do is worry about your own crap, how hard is it to have to consider yourself as you and part of a unit?
Every time I feel good about what I am doing or the direction my life is headed - I get this sinking feeling in my chest. The thought of getting out of his mess that I have made of my life is so great and every time I think I see the light at the end of the tunnel or even just some semblance of maybe seeing any day light at all, my emotions just seem to run away with me.
I don't know why I cant make one move in the right direction without feeling like I am a complete failure and that it doesn't matter what I do - it will fail and land me farther away from my goal than I was before I made the move.
I dream of the life that I would like to have and I set goals to get me there, and every time I start to make decisions based on those goals, I find something that I didn't take into account or see that that step will actually be bad for me and my family. What should I do?
How do you balance love into this messed up mix of crap? Does anyone else deserve to be brought into this mess? Every time some one comes into my life - they try to fix it, or rescue me from myself and that is not love it is a complex that ( I think) most men have, to rescue the damsel in distress, which I have never seen myself as being but I guess I do act like that sometimes - needy and vulnerable. This just proves to me that I am not as tuned into how I present myself to people, as I think that I am. So I am thinking that I need to work on how I see myself, before I should go looking for someone else. Problem is I haven't been looking for anyone but someone has found me and thinks they are in love with me, but is this possible? I don't even know myself very well how could someone else know me well enough to think they are in love with me?
I think people fall in love with the idea of love. Having some one there all the time to take care of us and for us to take care of no matter what happens always be there for us. This is an ideal that I am not sure I believe in. The concept is great, but does it work in reality? I have never seen proof, I mean I know the way you feel when you think your in love and its great, but it doesn't last very long, its like walking around with rose-colored glasses on - at some point you have to snap into reality and get through life. Life is hard enough when all you have to do is worry about your own crap, how hard is it to have to consider yourself as you and part of a unit?
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Love
Well the ideas and thoughts are swimming around in my head very fiercely today.
My emotions are all over the map - I wish I could get my heart and my head to agree on anything. Just when I have made a decision that seems rational and well thought out my heart tells me it is wrong, and vice versa - just when I give into my heart and decide that I should do something that makes me happy even for a few minutes - my head gets in the way.
Emotions are not supposed to be rational or make sense that is why we have a rational portion of our brain, but what happens when they are in complete opposition? I think maybe the two hemispheres of my brain are not working properly, they should at least be working on the same level, not one going in one direction while the other goes off in a completely different objective.
I am on the edge of getting something done for myself - this is a good thing so why do I feel so apprehensive? I hope it is just my fear of new challenges that is in overdrive because of my current situation and that I can work through it.
Love - does it really exist? I am not sure - as I am not sure of alot of things right now. Maybe I am a romantic at heart but I really do believe that love conquers all and that if you have found it it will bring you the greatest joy you can ever feel. I believe that I have felt it before cannot be sure though since it was so short lived. I am not sure that I deserve to feel that kind of happiness. I feel that you need to earn happiness and I do not think that I have yet, well that's not true - I have already had my shot at happiness and blew it and well why should I get another chance to feel that way when there are so many others who deserve it and don't ever find it?
My emotions are all over the map - I wish I could get my heart and my head to agree on anything. Just when I have made a decision that seems rational and well thought out my heart tells me it is wrong, and vice versa - just when I give into my heart and decide that I should do something that makes me happy even for a few minutes - my head gets in the way.
Emotions are not supposed to be rational or make sense that is why we have a rational portion of our brain, but what happens when they are in complete opposition? I think maybe the two hemispheres of my brain are not working properly, they should at least be working on the same level, not one going in one direction while the other goes off in a completely different objective.
I am on the edge of getting something done for myself - this is a good thing so why do I feel so apprehensive? I hope it is just my fear of new challenges that is in overdrive because of my current situation and that I can work through it.
Love - does it really exist? I am not sure - as I am not sure of alot of things right now. Maybe I am a romantic at heart but I really do believe that love conquers all and that if you have found it it will bring you the greatest joy you can ever feel. I believe that I have felt it before cannot be sure though since it was so short lived. I am not sure that I deserve to feel that kind of happiness. I feel that you need to earn happiness and I do not think that I have yet, well that's not true - I have already had my shot at happiness and blew it and well why should I get another chance to feel that way when there are so many others who deserve it and don't ever find it?
Monday, September 6, 2010
Well here we go again - trying to shake up life alittle rearranging things, trying to get out of the comfort zone so that I feel uncomfortable - to make a change.
My heart and my head are in constant conflict - looking ahead to the future is great, but what about today? Does today need to be sacrificed to make tomorrow better? Then what if tomorrow is just as bad - live for today people say, but most of my days are just kinda running together into loneliness.
Trying new things and rearranging furniture is a great way to get you in the right frame of mind to change your life. When you have no idea what needs to change, you start just changing everything. I don't know if this is a good reaction - some things do work and are good. So how do you know what to change and what to keep the same?
Moving forward is the best thing - as long as your not moving so fast that you miss the things that are passing you by, its not where your going, its the people and places you run into along the way that make the journey tolerable.
My life is such a mess right now that any change would be a good thing - so that's what I am gonna do - try to keep my heart and my head going in the same direction, this is not an easy task at this point, but I am gonna try like hell - wish me luck!!
My heart and my head are in constant conflict - looking ahead to the future is great, but what about today? Does today need to be sacrificed to make tomorrow better? Then what if tomorrow is just as bad - live for today people say, but most of my days are just kinda running together into loneliness.
Trying new things and rearranging furniture is a great way to get you in the right frame of mind to change your life. When you have no idea what needs to change, you start just changing everything. I don't know if this is a good reaction - some things do work and are good. So how do you know what to change and what to keep the same?
Moving forward is the best thing - as long as your not moving so fast that you miss the things that are passing you by, its not where your going, its the people and places you run into along the way that make the journey tolerable.
My life is such a mess right now that any change would be a good thing - so that's what I am gonna do - try to keep my heart and my head going in the same direction, this is not an easy task at this point, but I am gonna try like hell - wish me luck!!
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Today
Today is a good day -
I know that has been said before but I really feel like I am turning a corner in my life, at least that is the hope. I finally got some sleep. My mind is fresh, of course it was 5am on a Sunday morning when I woke up and cannot sleep anymore. I don't know how much I am going to get accomplished today it being a holiday weekend, but I am going to try like hell to find out what I can do to get my life back on track.
The resources that are available to me will be used to the full extent of my abilities and what I cant figure out on my own I am going to just hang on and hope that if I get some things going that some of the other things will fall into place - hope and pray.
Today is going to be a good day - the more I say it the more I believe it. I am going to make sure that something good happens everyday from now on, I am going to celebrate even the smallest victories to so that I may stay on this track and feel good about where I am going.
I don't know where I am going, but I am going to make the most of the journey I am on.
I know that has been said before but I really feel like I am turning a corner in my life, at least that is the hope. I finally got some sleep. My mind is fresh, of course it was 5am on a Sunday morning when I woke up and cannot sleep anymore. I don't know how much I am going to get accomplished today it being a holiday weekend, but I am going to try like hell to find out what I can do to get my life back on track.
The resources that are available to me will be used to the full extent of my abilities and what I cant figure out on my own I am going to just hang on and hope that if I get some things going that some of the other things will fall into place - hope and pray.
Today is going to be a good day - the more I say it the more I believe it. I am going to make sure that something good happens everyday from now on, I am going to celebrate even the smallest victories to so that I may stay on this track and feel good about where I am going.
I don't know where I am going, but I am going to make the most of the journey I am on.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Shallow
Well usually I find myself writing about my deep inner thoughts - but tonight for some reason I am feeling kinda shallow and flighty.
I haven't slept now in 2 days - it is 5am on a Friday morning and I have so many worries and things to think about that all I have been doing is lying here staring up at the ceiling.
I appreciate all of the people who have been there for me during the times when I was feeling so alone. Now I am thinking that maybe I should be alone to try to figure out all these things that are going on in my life, these are issues that no one can help me figure out. I just need to make a plan and implement it. This sounds pretty simple, but I am not sure how to go about the figuring out part. Every time I think that I will be ok and start thinking positive something just pops up that I either forgot about or never saw coming.
The emotional toll this situation has had on me is the worst, because I have never thought of myself as an emotional person but lately I have been finding myself wearing my heart on my sleeve - this makes me feel very vulnerable, this could be a good thing to get me out of my comfort zone and make the necessary changes to fix this mess that I call my life.
I am just worried that if I don't figure out how to get some sleep that I am going to be to much of a zombie to make any good decisions.
I haven't slept now in 2 days - it is 5am on a Friday morning and I have so many worries and things to think about that all I have been doing is lying here staring up at the ceiling.
I appreciate all of the people who have been there for me during the times when I was feeling so alone. Now I am thinking that maybe I should be alone to try to figure out all these things that are going on in my life, these are issues that no one can help me figure out. I just need to make a plan and implement it. This sounds pretty simple, but I am not sure how to go about the figuring out part. Every time I think that I will be ok and start thinking positive something just pops up that I either forgot about or never saw coming.
The emotional toll this situation has had on me is the worst, because I have never thought of myself as an emotional person but lately I have been finding myself wearing my heart on my sleeve - this makes me feel very vulnerable, this could be a good thing to get me out of my comfort zone and make the necessary changes to fix this mess that I call my life.
I am just worried that if I don't figure out how to get some sleep that I am going to be to much of a zombie to make any good decisions.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Alone
I know that this has been a recurring theme but this is different.
I have recently found my self alone for the first time in my life. I have never lived by myself before - at first I was enjoying it - a new experience. I still do enjoy it for the most part, I can do whatever I want whenever I want. For some reason though at night, when I realize that most of the people I know are sleeping, getting ready for the day ahead, I find myself feeling very alone.
The thoughts in my head start to go alittle crazy, thinking and dreaming and wondering. I just start pondering the way that I look at life and how others look at me and - well - the way the world works.
Life is weird though, I have found some of the best people in the oddest places, people who I have known for a long time but never realized how much we had in common until we realized that we are both insomniacs, so I guess that not sleeping for a while has actually been a good thing for me. Its funny how sometimes you have to stop looking to find whats real.
Friendship is the best thing you can give anyone or receive from someone. More then once this year I have found people that I thought were in my past but seem to be more of my future then I realized.
I cherish my friends and I only wish I had more to give.
I will get where I am supposed to go - I am alone but I am not - that is my life lesson through all this.
I have recently found my self alone for the first time in my life. I have never lived by myself before - at first I was enjoying it - a new experience. I still do enjoy it for the most part, I can do whatever I want whenever I want. For some reason though at night, when I realize that most of the people I know are sleeping, getting ready for the day ahead, I find myself feeling very alone.
The thoughts in my head start to go alittle crazy, thinking and dreaming and wondering. I just start pondering the way that I look at life and how others look at me and - well - the way the world works.
Life is weird though, I have found some of the best people in the oddest places, people who I have known for a long time but never realized how much we had in common until we realized that we are both insomniacs, so I guess that not sleeping for a while has actually been a good thing for me. Its funny how sometimes you have to stop looking to find whats real.
Friendship is the best thing you can give anyone or receive from someone. More then once this year I have found people that I thought were in my past but seem to be more of my future then I realized.
I cherish my friends and I only wish I had more to give.
I will get where I am supposed to go - I am alone but I am not - that is my life lesson through all this.
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