A mess

Today I am a mess and am not too sure why.

I have this terrible nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach, it is obviously trying to tell me something but I am not sure what, which is odd because I am usually pretty in tune with my emotions and whats going on inside myself.

I know that I am running out of time to get everything done I wanted to get done by the end of this God-forsaken year - but this cannot be the reason for this wrenching feeling that I am having right now. I have been in worse situations then this before and pulled myself out at the last minute that is how I am. I work best  when under pressure - maybe there has not been enough pressure till now? I don't know.
I am sure there is something looming but I just don't know what it is and that is making me feel more uncomfortable. I am hoping that I can get something accomplished in the next few days and that will make me feel better.

I don't understand this feeling cause I finally decided to simplify my life and made what I think are good decisions and move myself forward - where these bad decisions?

Me

Okay so today I am feeling a little bit of the holiday blues - at least I hope that is what it is.

I have taken stock of my life the past few days and well it is kind of a disappointment - I have nothing to say that I have accomplished anything in my life - well failures but other then that there is nothing to speak of but death and misery really - I cant remember the last time I actually felt happy or anything except despair or overcome with responsibility. I don't know why, really, there are things that make me happy - spending time with my son and what friends I have left, etc. but for some reason even when I am feeling like I want to be happy in the moment I just cant seem to shake the feeling that the next moment is going to be tragic. 

I am sorry for making this particular blogg so dark but people say write about what you know and well this is what I know right now - I am hoping that I get my life together at some point and can start writing about how great things are and how I can help anyone who needs help - but for now this is it

My life is my responsibility and I will handle it the best way I know how,  I am just hoping that God will be on my side even though I may not deserve it. I really could use some help at this point and  dont know where else to turn- this is where I should have started and just trusted that things happen for a reason and that there is a plan for me.

I dont know

I am feeling the need to write today.
I don't know what I am going to write yet, but I figured I would just let my fingers just go and hope something comes out. 

I am feeling very complacent today, the weather maybe has something to do with it, but I am feeling more and more like I just want the world to go away and leave me alone. Not sad or anything like that, just well, I don't know, I just don't feel like being around people, which is odd for me this time of year usually I am very social wanting to spread holiday cheer and all. I have my own holiday cheer and am feeling ok about the holidays - just don't know how I am gonna pull it off this year with no money and very limited resources at my disposal, but that is just normal holiday stress that everyone goes through.

This is the first year in a long time that I am alone and it is different but not really all that scary anymore I made it this far and I will make it the rest of my life if I have to. I have given up on the whole fantasy of a white knight coming to rescue me and  living happily ever after - we make our own destiny and I have to just get on my own horse and ride off to it on my own.

Revelations

As I sit here with only my thoughts to keep me company I am pondering my life and thinking about why I am here.

I would relish some guidance or a partner, maybe even some divine intervention, to let me know that I am on the right path or any path at all for that matter. I just feel like no matter what I do I cant seem to move forward. I want to move, but I am so overwhelmed by the complete madness of this world and all the things I could be doing or want to do that I fail to make any meaningful movements at all.

I have  had some revelations as of late about myself and this is a good thing - to know myself  - but  aside from making me feel good, this is not helping my immediate situation. I must figure out a way out of this situation for my own good, as well as my son's well-being. He needs to know that his mom is not a failure at life and that life is worth all the effort that you put into it and that in this country you can be or do anything that you are willing to work for.

Spiritually I am very strong in my beliefs, but applying those beliefs into something that will help me in my current situation has eluded me thus far.

Today

Today I was on the beach watching the surf, and I realized that that was as close as I was ever gonna get to God. The picture that I saw with my eye was more beautiful then anything anyone could ever come up with.

The beach always makes me sad and solemn. I am not sure why, and it doesn't matter, when I am out there watching the tides come in and out nothing else matters, for a brief time all is right with the world. Everything just disappears at least for that fleeting moment. 

When I am out there watching the water I feel better and then I cry, something about no one and nothing to judge me or care about why I am crying or anything that I may or may not have done in the past. Nothing matters but the phases of the moon and the unrelenting tide and whatever it washes in or out with it.

Today was my fathers birthday and the only place that I can still feel him next to me is the beach.

Inspired

I have been very inspired lately - I don't know what it is - maybe the change in the seasons, or the holidays that are fastly approaching, it doesn't matter.

I am feeling much more independent. I am starting to feel like I can get through this mess that I call a life. I am hoping that this feeling continues to push me in the right direction. I feel like I am kinda just gliding along on the forward motion of wind, but I will take it at this point. I have been stagnant for too long and have depended on other people to help much more then I ever have, and I fee like I can finally move forward on my own - or with less help at least.  

I have learned alot and hope that I can apply what I have learned to keep this forward momentum going at least into the next year.

Next year is my year to shine and prosper I can feel it. Maybe I needed this time to reevaluate my life and find my new direction.

This holiday season is gonna be tough - seeing how I don't have a job or any real income but if I can keep myself going in a positive direction I feel that it will all work out in the end and I will be a better person.

What?

Ok so the year is almost over and I am worse off now then I was last year ago. I had a husband and a job a year ago.

I am not saying that it wont get better, but well this has been a crappy year so I am hoping that by the time the next one comes I am at least moving in the right direction. My attitude has changed a great deal, some for the best, some for the worst. 

I just feel so conflicted about almost everything nowadays.
I mean I am lonely but don't want to be near people. I am comfortable but displaced. I have been lazy and anxious at the same time. I am tired but cant sleep. I feel tired but restless. I feel faithful but adulterous, this is particularly odd since I am never unfaithful.

Well just felt like writing how I felt - it is supposed to make me feel better, and it does most of the time. Sometimes to see my emotions flowing onto the page is therapeutic, but other times it is just annoying to have my state of mind filling the blank page.

Today was a good day, even though I got nothing done. I did do some thinking about where I want to go and what I have to do to get there. It wont be easy, but is it supposed to be??