k so I have been writing a lot lately and I think it is good because I am getting in tune with my self. I have come to a couple of realizations about my self and how I interact with others.
The first being that I have intimacy issues that prevent me from attaching to much to other people. The second is that I am actually a pretty private person, meaning that I will tell anyone anything they want to know but not the actual details that make it me - if that makes any sense.
I have a tendency to get to a point in any relationship, be it a friend or a intimate one and then I tend to pull back and push that person away - I think it is because the few people that I have ever let in - learned all about me and then just left - I am not sure why they left, I always assumed that I scared them away but now I am not so sure that didn't push them out the door.
I am going to try to work on these issues at some point, not at the moment though - simply because it is not necessarily a bad thing to not make connections at this point in my life. My life is a train-wreck right now and I need to really focus on trying to get my self dug out of this hole - no one else is going to help me and I really want to be able to help more people in the future - so I am an island for now and someday I hope that this will change and I will be able to help out all my friends and family and my community.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Getting over stuff
Today I have been pondering some things in life and I am wondering if we ever really "get over" some things - I mean most things just roll off my back, but some things rock me to my core so profoundly that I am not all that sure I am supposed to "get over" them - like the death of a loved one. We all miss the people in our lives that have left us, but what if it was some one who you actually needed - how do you get over that? I mean moving on is one thing but being able to live without some one who you depended on and now you don't know what to do - this is very hard and sometimes it just hits me all of a sudden - "hey I am never gonna see this person again - and we had so much unfinished business to take care of together, such plans."
I find myself asking advice from people that don't exist anymore and I am not sure that is healthy, or even sane - honestly. Sometimes all it takes is for me to hear a song or to see someone who knew them or knew that I knew them to set off an anxiety attack and render me helpless to the tears that flow down my face like Niagara falls .
Just my thoughts for the day
I find myself asking advice from people that don't exist anymore and I am not sure that is healthy, or even sane - honestly. Sometimes all it takes is for me to hear a song or to see someone who knew them or knew that I knew them to set off an anxiety attack and render me helpless to the tears that flow down my face like Niagara falls .
Just my thoughts for the day
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Today
Today is the day after my birthday - I am 36 years old
Today is mixed bag - where I am happy to be back at my house (we had no power for like 2weeks), I am not all that happy about the state of my house and how I have allowed my place to become such a disgrace. I am going to spend the majority of the day cleaning, which in itself is not a bad thing, I just wanted to get so much more done today.
I still have no job, and this makes this even worse because I can not get any of the supplies I need to fix this mess, but it will be OK - I have a brain and the determination to get through this - I just think that maybe life could give me a small break to catch my breath before something else catastrophic happens oh Lord I pray!!
The worst part of the situation is is that I seem to be alienating the people who care for me most and I don't know how to stop this from happening. I am so embarrassed by the state of my life that I cant even ask my family for help because I don't want them to know how bad it is. The few friends that I have left have no clue how bad it is - I guess I am good at hiding my emotions,yet when I am alone they come flooding in on me like a tidal wave and I can not function. This is vicious cycle that I do not know how to break, when I am alone is when I feel that I can get something done, as soon as I get alone I am paralyzed.
Today is mixed bag - where I am happy to be back at my house (we had no power for like 2weeks), I am not all that happy about the state of my house and how I have allowed my place to become such a disgrace. I am going to spend the majority of the day cleaning, which in itself is not a bad thing, I just wanted to get so much more done today.
I still have no job, and this makes this even worse because I can not get any of the supplies I need to fix this mess, but it will be OK - I have a brain and the determination to get through this - I just think that maybe life could give me a small break to catch my breath before something else catastrophic happens oh Lord I pray!!
The worst part of the situation is is that I seem to be alienating the people who care for me most and I don't know how to stop this from happening. I am so embarrassed by the state of my life that I cant even ask my family for help because I don't want them to know how bad it is. The few friends that I have left have no clue how bad it is - I guess I am good at hiding my emotions,yet when I am alone they come flooding in on me like a tidal wave and I can not function. This is vicious cycle that I do not know how to break, when I am alone is when I feel that I can get something done, as soon as I get alone I am paralyzed.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Perspective
Well here it is February and I am not sure how I feel about this new year yet - its kind of a mixed bag, really. On one hand I am not sure of anything as far as where I am going or what is gonna happen next, but on the other hand I have this weird optimism that has come over me lately that makes me feel like everything is going to be ok - no matter what I do. I am not sure where it is coming from this overwhelming feeling that something good is going to happen, but I will take it - it has given me strength I didn't even know that I had and that is something.
I am feeling very grateful for all that I do have and concentrating less on my temporary situation. This has given me a new perspective and I appreciate that very much
I thank God everyday for being here with me and helping me get through this mess
I am feeling very grateful for all that I do have and concentrating less on my temporary situation. This has given me a new perspective and I appreciate that very much
I thank God everyday for being here with me and helping me get through this mess
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
aftermath
OK so the major holiday is over - its kinda depressing.
I love having my family and friends around and cooking and taking care of things and making sure that everything is perfect ( I get a little anal) that's what I like to do - I was alittle disappointed that I couldn't give the gifts that I really wanted to give due to my financial constraints - but I gave into that - there was nothing I could do about that right now. I was also a bit upset that I didn't get to see all of my family this year - everyone was so busy and I had no way to get around, but again I have accepted that too.
Now that everyone is gone and it is all over I am feeling a bit lonely and well lost, plus the few gifts I did manage to scrap up the money for, remain here after everyone left - that kinda hurt my feelings a bit but again I am sure I will be fine - and learn a lesson in the end.
I am however a little bit concerned about my mom at this point - she stayed here for the holiday, which was nice. She got a terrible phone call on Christmas Day that a good friend of hers had passed away in her apartment ( upstairs from my mom's ) it was tragic - as she was young. My mom talked about when she went home the first thing she wanted to do was see her and talk about the events of holiday and family, etc. So I am not sure if she is going to be too lonely in her apartment with out her friend. She says that she will be OK, I sure wish she would have stayed here so that I could see for myself that she is OK.
I am going through the " holiday blues" I guess - I am sure that next year will be better and I am going to start making good decisions and getting my life back on track - this is my year!!!
Welcome 2012!!
I love having my family and friends around and cooking and taking care of things and making sure that everything is perfect ( I get a little anal) that's what I like to do - I was alittle disappointed that I couldn't give the gifts that I really wanted to give due to my financial constraints - but I gave into that - there was nothing I could do about that right now. I was also a bit upset that I didn't get to see all of my family this year - everyone was so busy and I had no way to get around, but again I have accepted that too.
Now that everyone is gone and it is all over I am feeling a bit lonely and well lost, plus the few gifts I did manage to scrap up the money for, remain here after everyone left - that kinda hurt my feelings a bit but again I am sure I will be fine - and learn a lesson in the end.
I am however a little bit concerned about my mom at this point - she stayed here for the holiday, which was nice. She got a terrible phone call on Christmas Day that a good friend of hers had passed away in her apartment ( upstairs from my mom's ) it was tragic - as she was young. My mom talked about when she went home the first thing she wanted to do was see her and talk about the events of holiday and family, etc. So I am not sure if she is going to be too lonely in her apartment with out her friend. She says that she will be OK, I sure wish she would have stayed here so that I could see for myself that she is OK.
I am going through the " holiday blues" I guess - I am sure that next year will be better and I am going to start making good decisions and getting my life back on track - this is my year!!!
Welcome 2012!!
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Holidays
Well here it is December 11th, 2011 -
I really thought that this year would be better than last - so much for hope. I mean I am not with out hope for a Christmas miracle but I am not expecting it.
I love the holiday season I just wish that I had more to offer than hope - to my family, to my friends, and truly to the world. I love to give - I just have nothing left to give - well I still have the love that I feel for all the people in my life; I know it sounds odd but I have a deep love all people and wish that I could do more to make the world we live in better for everyone, I am just a lonely, depressed lady with not too much to offer anyone.
I hope everyone has a joyous holiday season - no matter how you celebrate.!!
My holidays will turn out alright I will hopefully get to see family, and not be too embarrassed by my situation to have a conversation. My family is great and I wish them all the best -
I really thought that this year would be better than last - so much for hope. I mean I am not with out hope for a Christmas miracle but I am not expecting it.
I love the holiday season I just wish that I had more to offer than hope - to my family, to my friends, and truly to the world. I love to give - I just have nothing left to give - well I still have the love that I feel for all the people in my life; I know it sounds odd but I have a deep love all people and wish that I could do more to make the world we live in better for everyone, I am just a lonely, depressed lady with not too much to offer anyone.
I hope everyone has a joyous holiday season - no matter how you celebrate.!!
My holidays will turn out alright I will hopefully get to see family, and not be too embarrassed by my situation to have a conversation. My family is great and I wish them all the best -
Friday, August 26, 2011
wow its been a while!!
I know its been a long time since I wrote anything here - I have been very busy, getting my life together. Trying that is - everytime I think that I am getting somewhere life throws me a new curve-ball, I thought at first that that was a good thing - you know, God wont give you anything you cant handle, and all, but this time I am clearly out of my league to figure out the solution.
I have been having crazy thoughts and feelings about my whole situation and have been praying for some guidance and every time that I think that I am doing the right thing it turns out to be the exact wrong thing to do.
I am in a worse place now than I have ever been and I have no way of knowing what to do. Court dates and job searches and schoolwork and everything else I can handle but not having to find another place to live in the middle of all of this and now my son's school and my mom trying to help but has no clue how bad it is, no one really does - mostly because I haven't told anyone because I am ashamed of the mess that I have made of my life. I am a 35 year old woman who is incapable of taking care of herself - let alone anyone else. Why is that? Is there something wrong with me? Have I completed my time on this earth and now it is time for me to move on? I have no idea, I just know that something has to break before I have to make some decisions I am not really equipped to make.
I have been having crazy thoughts and feelings about my whole situation and have been praying for some guidance and every time that I think that I am doing the right thing it turns out to be the exact wrong thing to do.
I am in a worse place now than I have ever been and I have no way of knowing what to do. Court dates and job searches and schoolwork and everything else I can handle but not having to find another place to live in the middle of all of this and now my son's school and my mom trying to help but has no clue how bad it is, no one really does - mostly because I haven't told anyone because I am ashamed of the mess that I have made of my life. I am a 35 year old woman who is incapable of taking care of herself - let alone anyone else. Why is that? Is there something wrong with me? Have I completed my time on this earth and now it is time for me to move on? I have no idea, I just know that something has to break before I have to make some decisions I am not really equipped to make.
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