Today is kind of a mixed bag - I am here alone and it isn't too bad, I am getting some things done that needed to be done and some time to sort of reflect.
This day is a new day - new ways of looking at things and new ideas on how to move my life forward. I am not sure if this is going to get me anywhere, but it cant really hurt at this point.
I am hoping that if I start looking at things different that things will somehow BE different - does that make sense?
So starting today - my life isn't as bad as I once thought it was and it is now on an upward tilt - I am healthy and I have family that supports me and wants to see me happy, friends that are there for me. I think maybe I have more than most people - so I am thankful.
Monday, March 19, 2012
Monday, March 12, 2012
How I feel today
I know that I have been writing a lot lately and it is a good thing for me - not so sure if anyone else thinks it is. I have been on a roller coaster of emotions and moods the past few weeks, sometimes I feel like it is all going to be ok then I feel completely hopeless - its kinda making me nuts.
I have some awesome facebook friends that make me laugh and are very supportive and I appreciate them very much - I think that is why I am so addicted to facebook - it is a nice escape (distraction) from real life. I have actually made a few really good friends.
I am in such a place right now that thinking of the future is difficult at best. The past is the past and I must remember that and move forward. I am hoping that this forward momentum will spill over to other aspects of my life and kinda propel me where I am supposed to go.
I am very ambivalent today - good mood but feeling very anxious, like there is something I am supposed to be doing but I have no idea what is - its making me a little bit nervous.
I have finally got my house into working order - well for the most part - it will never work the way it is supposed to without a contractor that is.
I have some awesome facebook friends that make me laugh and are very supportive and I appreciate them very much - I think that is why I am so addicted to facebook - it is a nice escape (distraction) from real life. I have actually made a few really good friends.
I am in such a place right now that thinking of the future is difficult at best. The past is the past and I must remember that and move forward. I am hoping that this forward momentum will spill over to other aspects of my life and kinda propel me where I am supposed to go.
I am very ambivalent today - good mood but feeling very anxious, like there is something I am supposed to be doing but I have no idea what is - its making me a little bit nervous.
I have finally got my house into working order - well for the most part - it will never work the way it is supposed to without a contractor that is.
Friday, March 9, 2012
Friday nights
Well it is Friday night and I would normally be feeling kinda blue, but for some reason I am in an optimistic mood today - I got out of the house and got to see my step-mom. I am taking a road-trip with my bff tomorrow, that is something to look forward to and I have had some good feelings today - like maybe I can make plans and not feel bad about it.
I would not go so far as to say that I am in a good mood but these days if it isn't bad I will take it.
I am going to talk to some old friends this weekend and see if there is anything I can do to help them - I can at least listen and maybe do some stuff from home for them - computer research or anything - just to be of help. I think this will make me feel better - just to help others.
I just want some forward momentum at this point. I feel like I am on a precipice waiting to either fall or fly - its weird cause I am not scared, just anxious. New beginnings and all are kinda scary, but maybe that's what I need something new and that I haven't already done and failed at - we will see. The fact that I am looking to the future is a good sign. A couple of months ago I could not look past tomorrow so...
I would not go so far as to say that I am in a good mood but these days if it isn't bad I will take it.
I am going to talk to some old friends this weekend and see if there is anything I can do to help them - I can at least listen and maybe do some stuff from home for them - computer research or anything - just to be of help. I think this will make me feel better - just to help others.
I just want some forward momentum at this point. I feel like I am on a precipice waiting to either fall or fly - its weird cause I am not scared, just anxious. New beginnings and all are kinda scary, but maybe that's what I need something new and that I haven't already done and failed at - we will see. The fact that I am looking to the future is a good sign. A couple of months ago I could not look past tomorrow so...
Thursday, March 8, 2012
realizations
k so I have been writing a lot lately and I think it is good because I am getting in tune with my self. I have come to a couple of realizations about my self and how I interact with others.
The first being that I have intimacy issues that prevent me from attaching to much to other people. The second is that I am actually a pretty private person, meaning that I will tell anyone anything they want to know but not the actual details that make it me - if that makes any sense.
I have a tendency to get to a point in any relationship, be it a friend or a intimate one and then I tend to pull back and push that person away - I think it is because the few people that I have ever let in - learned all about me and then just left - I am not sure why they left, I always assumed that I scared them away but now I am not so sure that didn't push them out the door.
I am going to try to work on these issues at some point, not at the moment though - simply because it is not necessarily a bad thing to not make connections at this point in my life. My life is a train-wreck right now and I need to really focus on trying to get my self dug out of this hole - no one else is going to help me and I really want to be able to help more people in the future - so I am an island for now and someday I hope that this will change and I will be able to help out all my friends and family and my community.
The first being that I have intimacy issues that prevent me from attaching to much to other people. The second is that I am actually a pretty private person, meaning that I will tell anyone anything they want to know but not the actual details that make it me - if that makes any sense.
I have a tendency to get to a point in any relationship, be it a friend or a intimate one and then I tend to pull back and push that person away - I think it is because the few people that I have ever let in - learned all about me and then just left - I am not sure why they left, I always assumed that I scared them away but now I am not so sure that didn't push them out the door.
I am going to try to work on these issues at some point, not at the moment though - simply because it is not necessarily a bad thing to not make connections at this point in my life. My life is a train-wreck right now and I need to really focus on trying to get my self dug out of this hole - no one else is going to help me and I really want to be able to help more people in the future - so I am an island for now and someday I hope that this will change and I will be able to help out all my friends and family and my community.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Getting over stuff
Today I have been pondering some things in life and I am wondering if we ever really "get over" some things - I mean most things just roll off my back, but some things rock me to my core so profoundly that I am not all that sure I am supposed to "get over" them - like the death of a loved one. We all miss the people in our lives that have left us, but what if it was some one who you actually needed - how do you get over that? I mean moving on is one thing but being able to live without some one who you depended on and now you don't know what to do - this is very hard and sometimes it just hits me all of a sudden - "hey I am never gonna see this person again - and we had so much unfinished business to take care of together, such plans."
I find myself asking advice from people that don't exist anymore and I am not sure that is healthy, or even sane - honestly. Sometimes all it takes is for me to hear a song or to see someone who knew them or knew that I knew them to set off an anxiety attack and render me helpless to the tears that flow down my face like Niagara falls .
Just my thoughts for the day
I find myself asking advice from people that don't exist anymore and I am not sure that is healthy, or even sane - honestly. Sometimes all it takes is for me to hear a song or to see someone who knew them or knew that I knew them to set off an anxiety attack and render me helpless to the tears that flow down my face like Niagara falls .
Just my thoughts for the day
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Today
Today is the day after my birthday - I am 36 years old
Today is mixed bag - where I am happy to be back at my house (we had no power for like 2weeks), I am not all that happy about the state of my house and how I have allowed my place to become such a disgrace. I am going to spend the majority of the day cleaning, which in itself is not a bad thing, I just wanted to get so much more done today.
I still have no job, and this makes this even worse because I can not get any of the supplies I need to fix this mess, but it will be OK - I have a brain and the determination to get through this - I just think that maybe life could give me a small break to catch my breath before something else catastrophic happens oh Lord I pray!!
The worst part of the situation is is that I seem to be alienating the people who care for me most and I don't know how to stop this from happening. I am so embarrassed by the state of my life that I cant even ask my family for help because I don't want them to know how bad it is. The few friends that I have left have no clue how bad it is - I guess I am good at hiding my emotions,yet when I am alone they come flooding in on me like a tidal wave and I can not function. This is vicious cycle that I do not know how to break, when I am alone is when I feel that I can get something done, as soon as I get alone I am paralyzed.
Today is mixed bag - where I am happy to be back at my house (we had no power for like 2weeks), I am not all that happy about the state of my house and how I have allowed my place to become such a disgrace. I am going to spend the majority of the day cleaning, which in itself is not a bad thing, I just wanted to get so much more done today.
I still have no job, and this makes this even worse because I can not get any of the supplies I need to fix this mess, but it will be OK - I have a brain and the determination to get through this - I just think that maybe life could give me a small break to catch my breath before something else catastrophic happens oh Lord I pray!!
The worst part of the situation is is that I seem to be alienating the people who care for me most and I don't know how to stop this from happening. I am so embarrassed by the state of my life that I cant even ask my family for help because I don't want them to know how bad it is. The few friends that I have left have no clue how bad it is - I guess I am good at hiding my emotions,yet when I am alone they come flooding in on me like a tidal wave and I can not function. This is vicious cycle that I do not know how to break, when I am alone is when I feel that I can get something done, as soon as I get alone I am paralyzed.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Perspective
Well here it is February and I am not sure how I feel about this new year yet - its kind of a mixed bag, really. On one hand I am not sure of anything as far as where I am going or what is gonna happen next, but on the other hand I have this weird optimism that has come over me lately that makes me feel like everything is going to be ok - no matter what I do. I am not sure where it is coming from this overwhelming feeling that something good is going to happen, but I will take it - it has given me strength I didn't even know that I had and that is something.
I am feeling very grateful for all that I do have and concentrating less on my temporary situation. This has given me a new perspective and I appreciate that very much
I thank God everyday for being here with me and helping me get through this mess
I am feeling very grateful for all that I do have and concentrating less on my temporary situation. This has given me a new perspective and I appreciate that very much
I thank God everyday for being here with me and helping me get through this mess
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