Heres the deal

Well I have finished my first semester of college online. I didn't do as well as I would have liked to - life got in the way. I will prevent this from happening in the future.

I have actually learned alot - well more like established what I already knew - my biggest issue is self esteem.
I took psychology  - this is a subject that I love but I didn't do all that well in because I just took for granted that I had the time to deal with everything else and then work on my classwork. I was wrong. This will not happen again, I am going to put my life in order and get my degree and make a better life for myself and my son. This is my first priority and nothing is gonna come before this as my goal.

I have also figured out that relationships are necessary - I didn't think they were that I could go through life without any other human connections.I was wrong again.
So from now on I am going to be a better person by nurturing and developing better relationships. This is going to begin in my classrooms for the next term, I plan on getting to know and connect with other people that are in a similar position as me and maybe we can help each other.

So for what its worth I have "turned over a new leaf"  in my life and plan on getting over myself and making it better. 

Wondering

I haven't written in a while I have been busy with school and looking for a job and figuring out how to keep my house, get a car and get on with my life.

I have been wondering though - and maybe someone else has the same thoughts, I always like to think about the afterlife, I mean, you know heaven, beautiful and glorious with no bad will or impure thoughts and all that, I believe - but what about relationships? Like did my dad get to meet my husband and  do they like each other? Is my brother finally getting to play ball with his dad?  Are all the people that I have known getting to meet each other and talk about me? I know this sounds alittle egocentric but we always say or think that our loved ones are looking down on us, I was just wondering if they meet, and if so how would they get along.

I mean think about it, did my grandparents get to meet my husbands parents, and if so, they must have a great deal to talk about.  I always wonder if my dad got to meet any of his idles and want to sit and have laughs about the old days. My dad would be sitting around talking to Bobby Hatfield and trying to sing the songs and his father would be laughing at him cause he cant sing and my brother would be trying to get the tune right even though he never heard it. 

I imagine that my father and my brother and my husband are great friends and are sitting around talking and hoping that I make something of myself at some point. I wish to make them proud so that when I get to see them again that they will welcome me back into their lives and love me once again.

A whole new idea

This is where I would usually say how I feel and maybe cry alittle or something like that.
Not today I want to expand on why those feelings are so over whelming and crippling to me. I am not sure why, but it seems to me that the the later it gets without any progress in my situation that the feelings get better, why is that do you suppose?

Every time I make progress in one area of my life, another one seems to go backwards. I am not sure if this is self sabotage or a self-fulfilling prophecy, but I would like to know why most people dont have a problem balancing the different aspects of their lives, at least not to the point of debilitation. I think that I need to step back and really reexamine my life and either simplify or simply cut out parts that are not needed - at least right now.

My family - the best thing and the worst thing - most of the time I can count on them - but sometimes I wonder,  that is my insecurity. Friends - men in particular are an issue for me. I have only 2 modes: all in or all out - thats no way to be - there is no middle ground and this is why  I get hurt so much I fall in love way too easy and dont think at all. This is just part of my personality - I really am a romantic a heart  I always think that if some one loves me - they could never hurt me, this is just no true, those are the people who can hurt you the most. There is nothing that can be done about it though - it is just the way it is, I expect to be hurt a million more times before I find some one who will not hurt me.

All I can do is get my life together and get it on the right track and hope that the pain is worth it in the end, which I expect it will be. I do not worry that much anymore about being hurt, if it happens, I will survive just like all the times before.

It doesnt matter

I love all my friends and family - even when they do me wrong.  Most people who know me know that I am a giver and can never say no if someone needs something that I have. What some people don't know is that even if I don't have what  some one else needs, I will find it to give to them - even if it means my own sacrifice.

Its funny because I cant seem to figure out how to get what I need, but if some one asks me for something, I can find it no problem.

Some one once said "forgive and forget" that is what I do - to a fault of my own.

It doesn't matter. I just don't want to lose any one in my life because they think that I am going to be mad at them because I am not. I am very used to having not enough to get by so that other people have enough, maybe that is how it is supposed to be, I don't know, all I do know is that life is too short to be miserable or unhappy with the people you love. 

Why?

Why do I continue to fuck up my life?? Is it self-sabotage?
Why do I always depend on people who continue to disappoint me? Is it the reason I am here? I am supposed to expose these people for others to be aware?

I don't understand why I just keep letting people tell me what I want to hear, and get excited that something good is finally going to happen, just to  get what little is left of my heart broken time and time again.

I am getting mixed signs even from my own psyche, I am willing to admit that I cant do everything all by myself. Then I wonder who it is that is supposed to help me? Every time I trust someone enough to let them in I just get disappointed and hurt. I usually end up in a worse place then when I started.

How many times am I supposed to fall flat on my face before I either figure out whats wrong with me or why it happened, so it doesn't happen again. Aren't we supposed to learn from our mistakes?

Success

Ok maybe its the cold or virus or whatever is clogging up my chest and sinus',  but I have a sinking feeling deep in my heart that all this work that I am doing is going to be in vain.

Sometimes no matter how much you want or think you deserve something - you still shouldn't have it.

It doesn't matter how great your life is or how successful you are or how many trophies, plaques, certificates or degrees you have - it all means nothing if you don't have someone to share your successes with. I know that our accomplishments are our own and we should be proud of them and ourselves for the success, but all these things are not going to keep us warm at night or make us feel better when we are down.

People take for granted the relationships in their lives - I mean think about it : whenever something good happens what is the first thing you want to do?  You can not wait to tell someone - usually the most important person in your life. Even when something bad happens, you cant wait to get advice or counsel from someone important to you.

I understand that their are people who are happy being by themselves, and I wish that I was strong enough to be that type of person. I just cant imagine the rest of my life like this - no one to turn to or to be there for if they need me.

The only thing drowning out the loneliness of my heart is the sound of the rain against my window. The only thing  more lonely is the rain falling all around and being absorbed into the ground to become one with the earth.

I take solace that this is not the end of the line for me but a new beginning, I have accepted the fact that I may need to be alone or awhile. This does not make me sad but brings me a whole new outlook, I am meant to take this time to reflect and make good independent decisions. My role in life must be reevaluated and I must move forward and make the best of my self reliance.

I will make new connections and better choices as to my life and goals that I want to accomplish. I have already started this process and it is obviously working because I am not afraid of the future and being alone.

On a more personal note, this is not to say that I would not take advantage of any opportunities that should arise  - some regular sex would be  kinda  nice - but I am not gonna push that one right now - lmao