As I sit here with only my thoughts to keep me company I am pondering my life and thinking about why I am here.
I would relish some guidance or a partner, maybe even some divine intervention, to let me know that I am on the right path or any path at all for that matter. I just feel like no matter what I do I cant seem to move forward. I want to move, but I am so overwhelmed by the complete madness of this world and all the things I could be doing or want to do that I fail to make any meaningful movements at all.
I have had some revelations as of late about myself and this is a good thing - to know myself - but aside from making me feel good, this is not helping my immediate situation. I must figure out a way out of this situation for my own good, as well as my son's well-being. He needs to know that his mom is not a failure at life and that life is worth all the effort that you put into it and that in this country you can be or do anything that you are willing to work for.
Spiritually I am very strong in my beliefs, but applying those beliefs into something that will help me in my current situation has eluded me thus far.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Today
Today I was on the beach watching the surf, and I realized that that was as close as I was ever gonna get to God. The picture that I saw with my eye was more beautiful then anything anyone could ever come up with.
The beach always makes me sad and solemn. I am not sure why, and it doesn't matter, when I am out there watching the tides come in and out nothing else matters, for a brief time all is right with the world. Everything just disappears at least for that fleeting moment.
When I am out there watching the water I feel better and then I cry, something about no one and nothing to judge me or care about why I am crying or anything that I may or may not have done in the past. Nothing matters but the phases of the moon and the unrelenting tide and whatever it washes in or out with it.
Today was my fathers birthday and the only place that I can still feel him next to me is the beach.
The beach always makes me sad and solemn. I am not sure why, and it doesn't matter, when I am out there watching the tides come in and out nothing else matters, for a brief time all is right with the world. Everything just disappears at least for that fleeting moment.
When I am out there watching the water I feel better and then I cry, something about no one and nothing to judge me or care about why I am crying or anything that I may or may not have done in the past. Nothing matters but the phases of the moon and the unrelenting tide and whatever it washes in or out with it.
Today was my fathers birthday and the only place that I can still feel him next to me is the beach.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Inspired
I have been very inspired lately - I don't know what it is - maybe the change in the seasons, or the holidays that are fastly approaching, it doesn't matter.
I am feeling much more independent. I am starting to feel like I can get through this mess that I call a life. I am hoping that this feeling continues to push me in the right direction. I feel like I am kinda just gliding along on the forward motion of wind, but I will take it at this point. I have been stagnant for too long and have depended on other people to help much more then I ever have, and I fee like I can finally move forward on my own - or with less help at least.
I have learned alot and hope that I can apply what I have learned to keep this forward momentum going at least into the next year.
Next year is my year to shine and prosper I can feel it. Maybe I needed this time to reevaluate my life and find my new direction.
This holiday season is gonna be tough - seeing how I don't have a job or any real income but if I can keep myself going in a positive direction I feel that it will all work out in the end and I will be a better person.
I am feeling much more independent. I am starting to feel like I can get through this mess that I call a life. I am hoping that this feeling continues to push me in the right direction. I feel like I am kinda just gliding along on the forward motion of wind, but I will take it at this point. I have been stagnant for too long and have depended on other people to help much more then I ever have, and I fee like I can finally move forward on my own - or with less help at least.
I have learned alot and hope that I can apply what I have learned to keep this forward momentum going at least into the next year.
Next year is my year to shine and prosper I can feel it. Maybe I needed this time to reevaluate my life and find my new direction.
This holiday season is gonna be tough - seeing how I don't have a job or any real income but if I can keep myself going in a positive direction I feel that it will all work out in the end and I will be a better person.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
What?
Ok so the year is almost over and I am worse off now then I was last year ago. I had a husband and a job a year ago.
I am not saying that it wont get better, but well this has been a crappy year so I am hoping that by the time the next one comes I am at least moving in the right direction. My attitude has changed a great deal, some for the best, some for the worst.
I just feel so conflicted about almost everything nowadays.
I mean I am lonely but don't want to be near people. I am comfortable but displaced. I have been lazy and anxious at the same time. I am tired but cant sleep. I feel tired but restless. I feel faithful but adulterous, this is particularly odd since I am never unfaithful.
Well just felt like writing how I felt - it is supposed to make me feel better, and it does most of the time. Sometimes to see my emotions flowing onto the page is therapeutic, but other times it is just annoying to have my state of mind filling the blank page.
Today was a good day, even though I got nothing done. I did do some thinking about where I want to go and what I have to do to get there. It wont be easy, but is it supposed to be??
I am not saying that it wont get better, but well this has been a crappy year so I am hoping that by the time the next one comes I am at least moving in the right direction. My attitude has changed a great deal, some for the best, some for the worst.
I just feel so conflicted about almost everything nowadays.
I mean I am lonely but don't want to be near people. I am comfortable but displaced. I have been lazy and anxious at the same time. I am tired but cant sleep. I feel tired but restless. I feel faithful but adulterous, this is particularly odd since I am never unfaithful.
Well just felt like writing how I felt - it is supposed to make me feel better, and it does most of the time. Sometimes to see my emotions flowing onto the page is therapeutic, but other times it is just annoying to have my state of mind filling the blank page.
Today was a good day, even though I got nothing done. I did do some thinking about where I want to go and what I have to do to get there. It wont be easy, but is it supposed to be??
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Heres the deal
Well I have finished my first semester of college online. I didn't do as well as I would have liked to - life got in the way. I will prevent this from happening in the future.
I have actually learned alot - well more like established what I already knew - my biggest issue is self esteem.
I took psychology - this is a subject that I love but I didn't do all that well in because I just took for granted that I had the time to deal with everything else and then work on my classwork. I was wrong. This will not happen again, I am going to put my life in order and get my degree and make a better life for myself and my son. This is my first priority and nothing is gonna come before this as my goal.
I have also figured out that relationships are necessary - I didn't think they were that I could go through life without any other human connections.I was wrong again.
So from now on I am going to be a better person by nurturing and developing better relationships. This is going to begin in my classrooms for the next term, I plan on getting to know and connect with other people that are in a similar position as me and maybe we can help each other.
So for what its worth I have "turned over a new leaf" in my life and plan on getting over myself and making it better.
I have actually learned alot - well more like established what I already knew - my biggest issue is self esteem.
I took psychology - this is a subject that I love but I didn't do all that well in because I just took for granted that I had the time to deal with everything else and then work on my classwork. I was wrong. This will not happen again, I am going to put my life in order and get my degree and make a better life for myself and my son. This is my first priority and nothing is gonna come before this as my goal.
I have also figured out that relationships are necessary - I didn't think they were that I could go through life without any other human connections.I was wrong again.
So from now on I am going to be a better person by nurturing and developing better relationships. This is going to begin in my classrooms for the next term, I plan on getting to know and connect with other people that are in a similar position as me and maybe we can help each other.
So for what its worth I have "turned over a new leaf" in my life and plan on getting over myself and making it better.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Wondering
I haven't written in a while I have been busy with school and looking for a job and figuring out how to keep my house, get a car and get on with my life.
I have been wondering though - and maybe someone else has the same thoughts, I always like to think about the afterlife, I mean, you know heaven, beautiful and glorious with no bad will or impure thoughts and all that, I believe - but what about relationships? Like did my dad get to meet my husband and do they like each other? Is my brother finally getting to play ball with his dad? Are all the people that I have known getting to meet each other and talk about me? I know this sounds alittle egocentric but we always say or think that our loved ones are looking down on us, I was just wondering if they meet, and if so how would they get along.
I mean think about it, did my grandparents get to meet my husbands parents, and if so, they must have a great deal to talk about. I always wonder if my dad got to meet any of his idles and want to sit and have laughs about the old days. My dad would be sitting around talking to Bobby Hatfield and trying to sing the songs and his father would be laughing at him cause he cant sing and my brother would be trying to get the tune right even though he never heard it.
I imagine that my father and my brother and my husband are great friends and are sitting around talking and hoping that I make something of myself at some point. I wish to make them proud so that when I get to see them again that they will welcome me back into their lives and love me once again.
I have been wondering though - and maybe someone else has the same thoughts, I always like to think about the afterlife, I mean, you know heaven, beautiful and glorious with no bad will or impure thoughts and all that, I believe - but what about relationships? Like did my dad get to meet my husband and do they like each other? Is my brother finally getting to play ball with his dad? Are all the people that I have known getting to meet each other and talk about me? I know this sounds alittle egocentric but we always say or think that our loved ones are looking down on us, I was just wondering if they meet, and if so how would they get along.
I mean think about it, did my grandparents get to meet my husbands parents, and if so, they must have a great deal to talk about. I always wonder if my dad got to meet any of his idles and want to sit and have laughs about the old days. My dad would be sitting around talking to Bobby Hatfield and trying to sing the songs and his father would be laughing at him cause he cant sing and my brother would be trying to get the tune right even though he never heard it.
I imagine that my father and my brother and my husband are great friends and are sitting around talking and hoping that I make something of myself at some point. I wish to make them proud so that when I get to see them again that they will welcome me back into their lives and love me once again.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
A whole new idea
This is where I would usually say how I feel and maybe cry alittle or something like that.
Not today I want to expand on why those feelings are so over whelming and crippling to me. I am not sure why, but it seems to me that the the later it gets without any progress in my situation that the feelings get better, why is that do you suppose?
Every time I make progress in one area of my life, another one seems to go backwards. I am not sure if this is self sabotage or a self-fulfilling prophecy, but I would like to know why most people dont have a problem balancing the different aspects of their lives, at least not to the point of debilitation. I think that I need to step back and really reexamine my life and either simplify or simply cut out parts that are not needed - at least right now.
My family - the best thing and the worst thing - most of the time I can count on them - but sometimes I wonder, that is my insecurity. Friends - men in particular are an issue for me. I have only 2 modes: all in or all out - thats no way to be - there is no middle ground and this is why I get hurt so much I fall in love way too easy and dont think at all. This is just part of my personality - I really am a romantic a heart I always think that if some one loves me - they could never hurt me, this is just no true, those are the people who can hurt you the most. There is nothing that can be done about it though - it is just the way it is, I expect to be hurt a million more times before I find some one who will not hurt me.
All I can do is get my life together and get it on the right track and hope that the pain is worth it in the end, which I expect it will be. I do not worry that much anymore about being hurt, if it happens, I will survive just like all the times before.
Not today I want to expand on why those feelings are so over whelming and crippling to me. I am not sure why, but it seems to me that the the later it gets without any progress in my situation that the feelings get better, why is that do you suppose?
Every time I make progress in one area of my life, another one seems to go backwards. I am not sure if this is self sabotage or a self-fulfilling prophecy, but I would like to know why most people dont have a problem balancing the different aspects of their lives, at least not to the point of debilitation. I think that I need to step back and really reexamine my life and either simplify or simply cut out parts that are not needed - at least right now.
My family - the best thing and the worst thing - most of the time I can count on them - but sometimes I wonder, that is my insecurity. Friends - men in particular are an issue for me. I have only 2 modes: all in or all out - thats no way to be - there is no middle ground and this is why I get hurt so much I fall in love way too easy and dont think at all. This is just part of my personality - I really am a romantic a heart I always think that if some one loves me - they could never hurt me, this is just no true, those are the people who can hurt you the most. There is nothing that can be done about it though - it is just the way it is, I expect to be hurt a million more times before I find some one who will not hurt me.
All I can do is get my life together and get it on the right track and hope that the pain is worth it in the end, which I expect it will be. I do not worry that much anymore about being hurt, if it happens, I will survive just like all the times before.
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