where do I fit in?

I dont know where I fit in this world - I dont think I ever have known. I just have always been the one that is just always there and happy and with a "good personality" I dont even have that anymore so what is left?

I am not the smart one, the pretty one, or the even the clown, so where does that leave me? I have no real connections to anyone - no one knows me, really, the person that I am inside - a mess. I grasp that this is my fault mostly but no one has stuck around long enough to even try to find out, not even my kid. He knows who I am now and that is a generally good person of average intelligence who just cant catch a break, but is that what I want him to see when he looks at me?

I am not even sure who I am so why should anyone else? I cant seem to figure out where I belong. I have tried to fit here and there but I always have to block off a section of myself to fit anywhere except when I am alone. I dont like having to do that it makes me feel fake and wrong. why cant I just be me and be accepted warts and all?

What?

Okay so today was a mixed bag,  I feel good and terrible at the same time. I went on a job interview and well I didn't get the job - but the person interviewing me thought that my resume was good cause she passed it to a colleague and well she interviewed me on the spot and we will see - then she remembered me from a school that I went to and set me up with another interview - I know right odd - I went for a job I didn't really want and ended up with contacts and two other chances - wow


It wasn't a total lose it was actually more then I expected and I have 2 more interviews set up for next week plus I have an appointment at the schools career counselor so there are alot of irons in the fire its only a matter of time and perseverance on my part - wish me luck - aggressiveness has never been my strong suite but I am getting there.

There is light a the end of the tunnel - its just a matter of getting to it before i break down completely.

I am sorry

I am sorry to anyone who I have hurt during this period of indecision in my life that I have found my self in as of late. I hope that everyone can just take solace in the fast that I am hurting more then I have hurt anyone else.

I dont know if I am ever going to come out of this, I was hoping that I was on my way up and out but have found myself making the same bad decisions that I seem to make when I am in this place. I have never been this far down before so the decisions have worse ramifications then they usually do and again I want to apologize to those that have been hurt by my  pure idiocy.

I just hope that I did not burn too many bridges that cannot be rebuilt whenever my brain and heart start working together again.

Again I am sorry - and can not even hope for forgiveness at this point in my life.



ME

NEW YEAR - NEW DEMANDS

Well the last year has been pretty crappy for me but I made it through - barely to tell the truth - I am hoping that the new year is gonna bring me out of this funk that I fallen into lately, I am not sure it will not take the whole year.

I have come to some conclusions about me and my life - the first one being that NO ONE is coming to my rescue that is completely up to me to fix this mess - I know that I have said this before but now I have completely given in to the aspect of spending time alone and making sure that my priorities are right for me and getting my life back on the right track - it is going to be a challenge to say the least but I am gonna get there or dye trying.

I already have had my first hurdle of the new year and am alittle apprehensive about resolving it on my own but as I said I don't have too much of a choice right now so here I go....

Almost

How come I can always almost get happiness?

I have such a mess of a life I just want one thing that makes me happy to last for more then a minute.  I mean there are things like spending time with my son and seeing my niece and nephew but these are such fleeting events that I am always left with an empty feeling.

This life that I have is not made for anyone to be involved in even if I would like a partner - I can not have one, it would not be fair to them to ask them to help a drowning girl with no benefit for them.  Even my family can not help me they have no idea what I am going through - they try and I do appreciate it but they have no clue about the inner struggles I have been through in my life.

I am so different in my thoughts to all the people that I know that it is hard for me to make connections, I am not sure if that is my fault or not, I am sure that it is mostly because I refuse to let people into my thoughts - they are the only thing that are completely mine and they do not need to be shared.

No one is capable of interpreting my mind and therefore it stays locked inside me for the rest of my so-called life.

Merry Christmas

I hope that every one's holiday was filled with joy


 Well the holiday is over and it wasn't that bad - I just wish that I could have done more for my family and went to see more people.  My second mother and her family had a tragedy and I wasn't there for them - I am a little upset with my self for that. 

I love giving gifts to my family and friends to show how much I appreciation them and to show how much they mean to me - this year they have all done the most for me and I wasn't able to show them how much that meant to me, this was very upsetting to me.

I don't know how to fix this. 

I do know that this year was not the happiest year for me and I am hoping that the coming new year will bring new beginnings and I will be able to show my family and friends how much they mean to me.

I wish there was a way for me to just explain to everyone what is going on - I have never been all that good at letting people in and telling them how I feel or what is going on with me especially when it is embarrassing or that I am ashamed of the situation that I am in, I don't want anyone to know how bad it really is - this is my problem that I must figure out on my own and it is just not fair to drag anyone else into this gigantic mess that I have created for my self.

Well that is enough of that - I am going to make the next year better for me and my family

I hope every ones new year is filled with joy and happiness 

No one

No one really knows me - is that my fault?

I am sure that it is at least partly my fault,  I do have alot of walls built up, but they came from somewhere, there had to be a reason they were put up. The fact that they have not always been there means there should be someone who knew me before they were there.

I know my self better then people give me credit for  I have done much soul searching in my life and have learned a great deal about myself and how others perceive me and how I see others. I may not see people for who they are sometimes and I do trust too much but not out of naivety, this is out of my complete faith that most people are good at their core. If I happen to run into a few that are not, that is fine as long as the good out weigh the bad.

It just bothers me that even the people who claim to care about me and be my friends do not take the time to see me for what I am.

I am a normal (somewhat) person who tries to do the right thing, and I hope that most of the time I do, but no one is perfect or without sin.

I am not qualified to judge anyone else and would hope that no one would judge me, especially on mistakes that I have made or decisions that I have made in the past, present or future. I try very hard to follow my heart - although it isn't always clear if that is a good decision either.

All I have left to do is pray and hope that I am going to be alright in my faith and that God will not let me fall any farther then I already have.

I have nothing left except my faith.