Well today is a good day and a bad day. This day I woke up full of ideas and ways to get my self out of this mess. Thinking outside the box, as they say, is the only way that I am gonna fix this.I am not sure if this is what I supposed to be doing but, what I have been doing so far hasn't worked so...
I am going to take some of my skills that I have believed were useless and turn them into something I can do to make money, I am not sure how yet but, I am going to try and try again till I figure it out. I do believe that if I was given a gift it needs to be brought to its full potential.
No one is coming to my rescue, even if they say they are they aren't, I realize this now, it is up to me and if anyone wants to come along for the ride that's fine with me, but buckle up - it may get a little bumpy along the way!!
These are my thoughts of the day and I hope it keeps up, maybe I will get something accomplished that I can be proud of and feel good about - we will see.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Monday, April 11, 2011
Here we go again!!
OK so today sucked - but I am not discouraged - well not alot atleast. My biggest issue is that I do believe that my car is actually sabotaging me - everytime that I have an interview for a good job that happens to be a distance away from my house I get all excited and get up early and get ready and the friggin thing wont start!!!
I missed 2 interviews today and now about 5 hours too late the car is running fine, REALLY????
The mortgage doubled this month - this is an issue since I could really make the old payments never mind double them, I dont know what I am gonna do - I need a good job and I need to start like now. I am doing well in school - doesnt really do much for my current situation - so I will be a smart, homeless person.
I have to admit I am trying, but it is gettting more and more difficult to keep a stiff upper lip at this point.
My body is in a constant state of tension to the point where my jaw locks up and I cant even eat or talk - I know that it is a stress thing but what am I supposed to do about it? I cant just not stress - I have to get out of this mess!
I missed 2 interviews today and now about 5 hours too late the car is running fine, REALLY????
The mortgage doubled this month - this is an issue since I could really make the old payments never mind double them, I dont know what I am gonna do - I need a good job and I need to start like now. I am doing well in school - doesnt really do much for my current situation - so I will be a smart, homeless person.
I have to admit I am trying, but it is gettting more and more difficult to keep a stiff upper lip at this point.
My body is in a constant state of tension to the point where my jaw locks up and I cant even eat or talk - I know that it is a stress thing but what am I supposed to do about it? I cant just not stress - I have to get out of this mess!
Friday, April 8, 2011
I don't know how much more that I can take of this life that I have. Every time that I even have a thought of getting out of this mess something happens to take me right back to where I feel like it is hopeless. I am not sure what the plan is but I wish I just knew if I was supposed to give up or keep fighting, I just don't know how much strength that I have left.
I just want to spend time with my son and not have him look at me with disappointment. I don't think that that is too much to ask really - I guess that I have to earn that by getting my shit together. I just don't know how anymore.
I am having such a bad day - it didn't start out that bad, which is new, it started out ok but then it was like someone just kept throwing roadblocks at me and well I don't know how to jump over this many at a time.
I set up 2 interviews and took an online assessment for a job today so that was good. When I went to pick up my son the stupid car wont start. This is not a new issue for me it has been doing this for days - it lets me get places and home then when I actually need to get something accomplished it wont run - I feel like it is a sign.
The rest of the day was spent wringing my hands and trying not to cry, I really wanted to see my son. The job opportunities are not coming in as much as they should so I really need to get on these interviews. Plus my mom has been sick and I am worried about her and well the rest of the world seems to have gone mad.
Not to digress too much but the government has lost heir minds as well as the media and and any other information outlet I can find. I get that this country is in trouble - we all get it, but do we really need to be telling other countries where we have troops that we are a mess???
Sorry for that rant but I am kinda sick of hearing and seeing that the whole world is going nuts, it just pains me sometimes to see the heartbreak everywhere.
I just want to spend time with my son and not have him look at me with disappointment. I don't think that that is too much to ask really - I guess that I have to earn that by getting my shit together. I just don't know how anymore.
I am having such a bad day - it didn't start out that bad, which is new, it started out ok but then it was like someone just kept throwing roadblocks at me and well I don't know how to jump over this many at a time.
I set up 2 interviews and took an online assessment for a job today so that was good. When I went to pick up my son the stupid car wont start. This is not a new issue for me it has been doing this for days - it lets me get places and home then when I actually need to get something accomplished it wont run - I feel like it is a sign.
The rest of the day was spent wringing my hands and trying not to cry, I really wanted to see my son. The job opportunities are not coming in as much as they should so I really need to get on these interviews. Plus my mom has been sick and I am worried about her and well the rest of the world seems to have gone mad.
Not to digress too much but the government has lost heir minds as well as the media and and any other information outlet I can find. I get that this country is in trouble - we all get it, but do we really need to be telling other countries where we have troops that we are a mess???
Sorry for that rant but I am kinda sick of hearing and seeing that the whole world is going nuts, it just pains me sometimes to see the heartbreak everywhere.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
THIS IS IT!!!
I am ME that is all that I can be and that should be enough. I dont believe for one minute that I was put here to just keep failing. I have learned so much about myself in this past year or so of crap, that I have been going through, I will get through this and be a better person for it, I just know it!!
I dont know where I am going but I do have a clue that it is not just being stuck here doing the same thing and not getting anywhere. I would love to know or have a feeling at least that I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if this is it then so be it - I will just keep trudging along doing the best that I can knowing that there is a reason and a place for me at the end or even in the middle for that fact.
I dont have a clue how I am gonna get out of this but what I do know is that I am blessed to be alive and well and that is something so the rest will have to be a product of my perseverance and Gods will.
I dont know where I am going but I do have a clue that it is not just being stuck here doing the same thing and not getting anywhere. I would love to know or have a feeling at least that I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if this is it then so be it - I will just keep trudging along doing the best that I can knowing that there is a reason and a place for me at the end or even in the middle for that fact.
I dont have a clue how I am gonna get out of this but what I do know is that I am blessed to be alive and well and that is something so the rest will have to be a product of my perseverance and Gods will.
Monday, April 4, 2011
What I Think
This is the way I think - take it for what its worth.
I am pretty sure that there is a reason we are all here, I don't presume to know what it is - way above my pay grade.
I just hope that I can somehow figure out what I am supposed to do or where I am supposed to go from here because I am kinda stuck in this place where I have no clue what to do and where to go. I know that I have to make some kind of move I am just petrified of moving in the wrong direction, but any move has to be something because standing still is not really an option.
I cant tell if I am in denial or just depressed - I know how dire my situation is but it doesn't seem to phase me that much - it should be making me nuts and bounce off the walls thinking and talking to people trying everything I know how to do.Yet I am just paralyzed and cant think of what to do. I just don't get it I am usually a pretty motivated person who goes after things. When I need that quality the most it is lacking? I just don't understand!!!!
I am pretty sure that there is a reason we are all here, I don't presume to know what it is - way above my pay grade.
I just hope that I can somehow figure out what I am supposed to do or where I am supposed to go from here because I am kinda stuck in this place where I have no clue what to do and where to go. I know that I have to make some kind of move I am just petrified of moving in the wrong direction, but any move has to be something because standing still is not really an option.
I cant tell if I am in denial or just depressed - I know how dire my situation is but it doesn't seem to phase me that much - it should be making me nuts and bounce off the walls thinking and talking to people trying everything I know how to do.Yet I am just paralyzed and cant think of what to do. I just don't get it I am usually a pretty motivated person who goes after things. When I need that quality the most it is lacking? I just don't understand!!!!
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
I am just not sure
Ok so the past few days have just been a waste - and that sucks cause I don't really have time to waste right now. My body has made it very difficult for me to get anything done. I am not sure if it a depression setting in or if I am really sick, so I don't know what to do about it right now except try to power through it and hope that it is not a physical illness. Depression is worse I know but at least if I know, I know that I can (hopefully) power through it with some serious positive thoughts and a long look ahead - where it has bound to be better.
I know that I haven't written in a while and I am hoping that it helps to get some stuff off my chest - I could always use some advice or input - and I give good advice too- even though my life is a mess.
I have posted my resume all over the place hoping that someone will check it out and know someone who needs help or something. so...
http://www.resumebucket.com/deb328
If anyone wants to forward it to any one please feel free - I am getting pretty desperate at this point, my mental health as well as my financial health are in serious danger at this point.
I am ok for now but am not sure how much longer I can sustain this level of tension.
I try each day to thank God for what I have and not complain about what I don't - this has helped me put somethings into perspective. I just have to trust that there is a purpose and a plan and that all this is a test of my fortitude.
I know that I haven't written in a while and I am hoping that it helps to get some stuff off my chest - I could always use some advice or input - and I give good advice too- even though my life is a mess.
I have posted my resume all over the place hoping that someone will check it out and know someone who needs help or something. so...
http://www.resumebucket.com/deb328
If anyone wants to forward it to any one please feel free - I am getting pretty desperate at this point, my mental health as well as my financial health are in serious danger at this point.
I am ok for now but am not sure how much longer I can sustain this level of tension.
I try each day to thank God for what I have and not complain about what I don't - this has helped me put somethings into perspective. I just have to trust that there is a purpose and a plan and that all this is a test of my fortitude.
Friday, March 4, 2011
My Day
ok so I am pretty miserable today - I am not sure why really.
I have had some pain this week that kinda put my behind my schedule to get some stuff done and the resolution put my financially behind and it is not over yet - but this is just one more hurdle for me to get over on my road to where I am going - not sure where that is but the place I am in sucks so I need to move on and get over this and get on with my life - I just wish that I knew how to do that - it just seems like every time I have a plan and am confident that it will work out something stupid happens and I fall farther behind then I was before the plan.
I need to make a new plan and implement it before I get to discouraged to get anything done. I will just have to improvise for a while and pray that I am doing the right things.
I have had some pain this week that kinda put my behind my schedule to get some stuff done and the resolution put my financially behind and it is not over yet - but this is just one more hurdle for me to get over on my road to where I am going - not sure where that is but the place I am in sucks so I need to move on and get over this and get on with my life - I just wish that I knew how to do that - it just seems like every time I have a plan and am confident that it will work out something stupid happens and I fall farther behind then I was before the plan.
I need to make a new plan and implement it before I get to discouraged to get anything done. I will just have to improvise for a while and pray that I am doing the right things.
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