Darkness

As I sit alone in the quietness of this enclave that I have made for myself, nothing to keep me company but my thoughts, I begin to wonder why?  Why am I being tested to the end of my sanity?  Why am I here?  How did I get here?  Am I making the same mistakes I have always made?  Do I have what it takes to get out of his mess?  Do I have the strength and perseverance to fix this mess? Should I even try?
I don't have any of the answers, just a million questions running around in my head keeping me from making any decisions at all. I am so over whelmed, I cant even think.

The worst part is that 3 years ago I would have been grateful to have this much time to myself - now that I have it I cant figure anything out. The emptiness that is my life right now is almost too much to bear, I feel as though I could just disappear and it wouldn't matter, to anyone. I have spent the entire day avoiding people, I wanted to be alone, but as soon as the darkness came I got this sinking feeling deep in my chest that just keeps getting worse, every night the same feeling. The more nights that go by the worse the feeling gets. I don't know know how much worse it can get before I have to do something to alleviate the pain.

I want my family back. I want my Dad to look at me and tell me that I am letting life kick my ass. I want my husband to tell me that I am being ridiculous. I would love for my son to come home and tell me that he loves me and wants to come home.

This is the part of my life that I don't understand, every time I actually listen to someone tell me something - they get taken away. Whether by God or their own freewill it doesn't matter. They are still not here to help me like they told me they would be. I would sacrifice all that I am and ever will be to have one person here for me now that understands what I am saying and wants to just be there for me.

Being alone in the daylight is sometimes a blessing, to get my thoughts together and make decisions for the future, but being alone at night is like torture, when all the worries of the world seem to flood my brain and render me incapable of rational thought.