Well today is a good day and a bad day. This day I woke up full of ideas and ways to get my self out of this mess. Thinking outside the box, as they say, is the only way that I am gonna fix this.I am not sure if this is what I supposed to be doing but, what I have been doing so far hasn't worked so...
I am going to take some of my skills that I have believed were useless and turn them into something I can do to make money, I am not sure how yet but, I am going to try and try again till I figure it out. I do believe that if I was given a gift it needs to be brought to its full potential.
No one is coming to my rescue, even if they say they are they aren't, I realize this now, it is up to me and if anyone wants to come along for the ride that's fine with me, but buckle up - it may get a little bumpy along the way!!
These are my thoughts of the day and I hope it keeps up, maybe I will get something accomplished that I can be proud of and feel good about - we will see.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Monday, April 11, 2011
Here we go again!!
OK so today sucked - but I am not discouraged - well not alot atleast. My biggest issue is that I do believe that my car is actually sabotaging me - everytime that I have an interview for a good job that happens to be a distance away from my house I get all excited and get up early and get ready and the friggin thing wont start!!!
I missed 2 interviews today and now about 5 hours too late the car is running fine, REALLY????
The mortgage doubled this month - this is an issue since I could really make the old payments never mind double them, I dont know what I am gonna do - I need a good job and I need to start like now. I am doing well in school - doesnt really do much for my current situation - so I will be a smart, homeless person.
I have to admit I am trying, but it is gettting more and more difficult to keep a stiff upper lip at this point.
My body is in a constant state of tension to the point where my jaw locks up and I cant even eat or talk - I know that it is a stress thing but what am I supposed to do about it? I cant just not stress - I have to get out of this mess!
I missed 2 interviews today and now about 5 hours too late the car is running fine, REALLY????
The mortgage doubled this month - this is an issue since I could really make the old payments never mind double them, I dont know what I am gonna do - I need a good job and I need to start like now. I am doing well in school - doesnt really do much for my current situation - so I will be a smart, homeless person.
I have to admit I am trying, but it is gettting more and more difficult to keep a stiff upper lip at this point.
My body is in a constant state of tension to the point where my jaw locks up and I cant even eat or talk - I know that it is a stress thing but what am I supposed to do about it? I cant just not stress - I have to get out of this mess!
Friday, April 8, 2011
I don't know how much more that I can take of this life that I have. Every time that I even have a thought of getting out of this mess something happens to take me right back to where I feel like it is hopeless. I am not sure what the plan is but I wish I just knew if I was supposed to give up or keep fighting, I just don't know how much strength that I have left.
I just want to spend time with my son and not have him look at me with disappointment. I don't think that that is too much to ask really - I guess that I have to earn that by getting my shit together. I just don't know how anymore.
I am having such a bad day - it didn't start out that bad, which is new, it started out ok but then it was like someone just kept throwing roadblocks at me and well I don't know how to jump over this many at a time.
I set up 2 interviews and took an online assessment for a job today so that was good. When I went to pick up my son the stupid car wont start. This is not a new issue for me it has been doing this for days - it lets me get places and home then when I actually need to get something accomplished it wont run - I feel like it is a sign.
The rest of the day was spent wringing my hands and trying not to cry, I really wanted to see my son. The job opportunities are not coming in as much as they should so I really need to get on these interviews. Plus my mom has been sick and I am worried about her and well the rest of the world seems to have gone mad.
Not to digress too much but the government has lost heir minds as well as the media and and any other information outlet I can find. I get that this country is in trouble - we all get it, but do we really need to be telling other countries where we have troops that we are a mess???
Sorry for that rant but I am kinda sick of hearing and seeing that the whole world is going nuts, it just pains me sometimes to see the heartbreak everywhere.
I just want to spend time with my son and not have him look at me with disappointment. I don't think that that is too much to ask really - I guess that I have to earn that by getting my shit together. I just don't know how anymore.
I am having such a bad day - it didn't start out that bad, which is new, it started out ok but then it was like someone just kept throwing roadblocks at me and well I don't know how to jump over this many at a time.
I set up 2 interviews and took an online assessment for a job today so that was good. When I went to pick up my son the stupid car wont start. This is not a new issue for me it has been doing this for days - it lets me get places and home then when I actually need to get something accomplished it wont run - I feel like it is a sign.
The rest of the day was spent wringing my hands and trying not to cry, I really wanted to see my son. The job opportunities are not coming in as much as they should so I really need to get on these interviews. Plus my mom has been sick and I am worried about her and well the rest of the world seems to have gone mad.
Not to digress too much but the government has lost heir minds as well as the media and and any other information outlet I can find. I get that this country is in trouble - we all get it, but do we really need to be telling other countries where we have troops that we are a mess???
Sorry for that rant but I am kinda sick of hearing and seeing that the whole world is going nuts, it just pains me sometimes to see the heartbreak everywhere.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
THIS IS IT!!!
I am ME that is all that I can be and that should be enough. I dont believe for one minute that I was put here to just keep failing. I have learned so much about myself in this past year or so of crap, that I have been going through, I will get through this and be a better person for it, I just know it!!
I dont know where I am going but I do have a clue that it is not just being stuck here doing the same thing and not getting anywhere. I would love to know or have a feeling at least that I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if this is it then so be it - I will just keep trudging along doing the best that I can knowing that there is a reason and a place for me at the end or even in the middle for that fact.
I dont have a clue how I am gonna get out of this but what I do know is that I am blessed to be alive and well and that is something so the rest will have to be a product of my perseverance and Gods will.
I dont know where I am going but I do have a clue that it is not just being stuck here doing the same thing and not getting anywhere. I would love to know or have a feeling at least that I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if this is it then so be it - I will just keep trudging along doing the best that I can knowing that there is a reason and a place for me at the end or even in the middle for that fact.
I dont have a clue how I am gonna get out of this but what I do know is that I am blessed to be alive and well and that is something so the rest will have to be a product of my perseverance and Gods will.
Monday, April 4, 2011
What I Think
This is the way I think - take it for what its worth.
I am pretty sure that there is a reason we are all here, I don't presume to know what it is - way above my pay grade.
I just hope that I can somehow figure out what I am supposed to do or where I am supposed to go from here because I am kinda stuck in this place where I have no clue what to do and where to go. I know that I have to make some kind of move I am just petrified of moving in the wrong direction, but any move has to be something because standing still is not really an option.
I cant tell if I am in denial or just depressed - I know how dire my situation is but it doesn't seem to phase me that much - it should be making me nuts and bounce off the walls thinking and talking to people trying everything I know how to do.Yet I am just paralyzed and cant think of what to do. I just don't get it I am usually a pretty motivated person who goes after things. When I need that quality the most it is lacking? I just don't understand!!!!
I am pretty sure that there is a reason we are all here, I don't presume to know what it is - way above my pay grade.
I just hope that I can somehow figure out what I am supposed to do or where I am supposed to go from here because I am kinda stuck in this place where I have no clue what to do and where to go. I know that I have to make some kind of move I am just petrified of moving in the wrong direction, but any move has to be something because standing still is not really an option.
I cant tell if I am in denial or just depressed - I know how dire my situation is but it doesn't seem to phase me that much - it should be making me nuts and bounce off the walls thinking and talking to people trying everything I know how to do.Yet I am just paralyzed and cant think of what to do. I just don't get it I am usually a pretty motivated person who goes after things. When I need that quality the most it is lacking? I just don't understand!!!!
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