Why am I like this?

Why do I have such issues with things that everyone else had no problem with? I like to think that I am independent, but as soon as I run into a problem all I want is for some one to help me, and there is no one. I mean I have friends, but I am embarrassed to ask for help for things that I know are trivial and simple, yet my tangled up brain can not figure them out. I hate this feeling of having no clue how to get my self out of this mess that I have created. I am completely lost with this whole thing and I think that I am just so overwhelmed that I cant even make simple decisions.

 I have been hoping that if I just sit and ponder things for a while that I will come up with an idea. Then I feel like I should be doing something, I always feel like there is something I could be doing to fix this but I am paralyzed by the situation its self. This is a viscous cycle that doesn't ever stop and let me take a breath. I pray for sleep that never comes, I pray for the strength to make a move that doesn't set me back any father then I am already, I pray for the mental capacity to figure this out and get me on the right track.

where do I fit in?

I dont know where I fit in this world - I dont think I ever have known. I just have always been the one that is just always there and happy and with a "good personality" I dont even have that anymore so what is left?

I am not the smart one, the pretty one, or the even the clown, so where does that leave me? I have no real connections to anyone - no one knows me, really, the person that I am inside - a mess. I grasp that this is my fault mostly but no one has stuck around long enough to even try to find out, not even my kid. He knows who I am now and that is a generally good person of average intelligence who just cant catch a break, but is that what I want him to see when he looks at me?

I am not even sure who I am so why should anyone else? I cant seem to figure out where I belong. I have tried to fit here and there but I always have to block off a section of myself to fit anywhere except when I am alone. I dont like having to do that it makes me feel fake and wrong. why cant I just be me and be accepted warts and all?

What?

Okay so today was a mixed bag,  I feel good and terrible at the same time. I went on a job interview and well I didn't get the job - but the person interviewing me thought that my resume was good cause she passed it to a colleague and well she interviewed me on the spot and we will see - then she remembered me from a school that I went to and set me up with another interview - I know right odd - I went for a job I didn't really want and ended up with contacts and two other chances - wow


It wasn't a total lose it was actually more then I expected and I have 2 more interviews set up for next week plus I have an appointment at the schools career counselor so there are alot of irons in the fire its only a matter of time and perseverance on my part - wish me luck - aggressiveness has never been my strong suite but I am getting there.

There is light a the end of the tunnel - its just a matter of getting to it before i break down completely.

I am sorry

I am sorry to anyone who I have hurt during this period of indecision in my life that I have found my self in as of late. I hope that everyone can just take solace in the fast that I am hurting more then I have hurt anyone else.

I dont know if I am ever going to come out of this, I was hoping that I was on my way up and out but have found myself making the same bad decisions that I seem to make when I am in this place. I have never been this far down before so the decisions have worse ramifications then they usually do and again I want to apologize to those that have been hurt by my  pure idiocy.

I just hope that I did not burn too many bridges that cannot be rebuilt whenever my brain and heart start working together again.

Again I am sorry - and can not even hope for forgiveness at this point in my life.



ME

NEW YEAR - NEW DEMANDS

Well the last year has been pretty crappy for me but I made it through - barely to tell the truth - I am hoping that the new year is gonna bring me out of this funk that I fallen into lately, I am not sure it will not take the whole year.

I have come to some conclusions about me and my life - the first one being that NO ONE is coming to my rescue that is completely up to me to fix this mess - I know that I have said this before but now I have completely given in to the aspect of spending time alone and making sure that my priorities are right for me and getting my life back on the right track - it is going to be a challenge to say the least but I am gonna get there or dye trying.

I already have had my first hurdle of the new year and am alittle apprehensive about resolving it on my own but as I said I don't have too much of a choice right now so here I go....