loneliness

The past few days - maybe weeks - have been kinda bad for me - not too sure why, but I have been feeling the urge to cry alot, and I don't get it.

I am hoping that it is just a release of stress, I am usually more in control of my emotions and very few people have seen me cry.

I have had a very deep feeling of loneliness that I am not sure how to deal with. I know I have to be this way until I get back on my feet, but it still would be nice to have a friend spend some time and talk to me a bit.

I know that I am kinda far away and that gas is expensive and that people have lives, but I would just like to know that someone cares enough to make room in their lives for me - I don't expect much, I would just like to know that their is someone out their - besides my mom - who is being very good to me by the way - that wants to spend some time with me.
I love my mom and she is being very patient and good to me, its just not the same as having a girl-friend to talk to, or a guy come take me outta here for a couple of hours or a sister who wants to make sure I am ok.

I am just feeling very alone right now and even the people who tell me they love me or say they will help me are too busy to actually spend any time with me. I feel like an after-thought.

I LOVE YOU?

Those are supposed to be the three most sought after words that we all long to hear, but what do they really mean? I have heard so many people tell me they love me  that it doesn't mean anything to me anymore.
The truth is actions speak louder than words and when the actions of someone who says they love you do not match the words that are coming out of their mouth I get very confused and I shouldn't because words are just words the true feelings cannot be contained into a simple phrase.

If I never hear those words again it will be fine, I want to feel the feeling that makes those words irrelevant

People say that you will feel it when it is right but I am not sure that I would recognize that or if I could even feel it at all.
I may just be getting bitter in my age and I really am frightened about that but how many times can you have your hopes and dreams stepped on before you just give up? I am not there yet but I am on the precipice.

People think that I confuse lust with love and I don't I am fully aware that there is a huge difference and they are not mutually exclusive you can have one with out the other - lust is one thing I am not lacking. 

Maybe it is in my nature to make other people confuse the 2 concepts I don't know and I don't think that adults should be confused that easily, but we all have an inner child that just craves closeness.

Maybe I am just expecting too much from the human race. I never thought of my self as a romantic or mushy but these days it would be nice to have someone to just hug me and tell me everything is gonna ok - even if it isn't. Someone who doesn't mind that I am a train-wreck, maybe because they are too, but is willing  to put up with my moods and everything else that is me.

umm today?

Today is a bad emotional day for me - I am trying very hard to keep it together but I am not sure I can handle this alone - I know that God wouldn't have given me this challenge if I could not live up to it, but right now I am so lost and  not sure that I am even worthy of the confidence that God has placed in me.

I have no idea how to handle this or what is gonna happen to me when it is finally over - I am going to be lost and a mess forever, I fear.

I cant believe that I let my life get so bad that there is no way out. I cant see a future, I cant see any thing  helping me I just don't see a way out. I have great faith which has kept me going until now but I just don't know where to go and what to do anymore - its all gone.

I just pray and wish that I could at least imagine a better life.

my thoughts

I have been down this road before - aren't we supposed to learn from our mistakes?  What about matters of the heart? They are rarely in our control and often the most painful mistakes we make. This should teach us a lesson?

Yet deep down I know that I am just a hopeless romantic - waiting for prince charming to come and sweep me off my feet. The problem is I get swept too easily - I have had the feeling that - this is the right one so many times that I am afraid that I wont recognize the real one when it comes along and end up alone at Applebees at 60 years old wondering what the hell happened.

I think for all my stubbornness and proclamations of  independence that I am really afraid of being alone and the fact that it scares me, scares me - does that make sense? I have never been afraid of really anything so this is definitely a new feeling.
These days I feel alone even when I am with the with people who claim to love me - this I do not understand at all. Shouldn't that be enough to be loved?

The fact that my life is a train-wreck right now is making these emotions 100x worse because this should be the last thing on my mind - I should be trying to get my life together and get myself on the right path, yet all I keep pondering is if I am gonna be alone forever and is this it?

So I sit here in the silence of my mind and ponder whether or not I should be worried about such things right now or if I should just give in to the fact that I have already had my chances and I blew it and get over it and move on.
Right now the feeling that I have is hard to describe - my soul hurts

Why?

I don't know if this happens to anyone else but, why whenever I feel like maybe I can be happy - the illusion falls apart.
I get one or two glimmers of how life is supposed to be and then *smack* back to reality, where I am a train-wreck with no hope of happiness or even normalcy. Its like someone wants to show me what I could have had if I wasn't such a mess and I don't know how to not be a mess.

I don't know what to do -

first issue being that sometimes my mess spills into other people lives and I don't want that, but I always have the illusion that there is someone out there that can help me fix this and so I let people in and all I do is make my mess bigger and involve them, and that sucks for them because I am beyond help at this point and now they feel for me and there is nothing I can do to fix that. Don't get me wrong I have genuine feelings for people in my life and I appreciate them and the distraction that they give me but it is not realistic for me to involve other people in this mess that I have created for myself.

Second issue being that I have no clue how to fix myself which is problem for a number of reasons. I know I have it in me to be a good person and to just get on the ball and resolve some of these issues, yet I cant figure out how or what to do to make it better. Its like knowing there is a storm coming and having no preparations, you know that you should get ready but something tells you not to do anything, does that make any sense?

love,lust, and loneliness

What is love? Does anybody really know? I thought that I did many years ago, but I am not sure anymore.

Lust is one of the seven deadly sins for a reason, it is not necessarily a bad emotion, just misunderstood. There needs to be a certain amount of lust for any relationship to be fully functional.

Loneliness on the other hand has been a friend of mine for a long time now. Even when I am with people that I care about I still feel a deep loneliness that resonates through me.

If it were not for these 3 emotions life would be boring and a whole lot less complicated.

You can love someone and have no lust for them, any relationship like this is not going to stand very long, you will look for lust somewhere else and any bond you did have will be gone.

You can certainly have lust with no love - I know this feeling very well - but again this is kind of an empty feeling - that eventually leads to loneliness.

The trick to life is to find a balance of these three feelings. Some loneliness is appropriate, to reflect on the relationships with the people in your life and to make sure they are healthy. Lust must be there for any attraction to start or build a relationship. Finally love - love is an odd emotion because it comes and goes over time - which we are taught it is not supposed to do - we are told from day one that love is everlasting. Some is - like the love of a mother or a father, but true love between two people, I am not sure it is supposed to last forever.

One other thing that I am not sure of at this moment is: is everyone capable of love? I am not sure that life's lessons do not weigh too heavy on the heart sometimes for us to be capable of that first feeling of love.
I actually have been pondering this for a while and am not sure that I am capable of love in that sense. I care for people and worry about their well-being but that is not the same as being "in love".

 I am pretty sure that I know how it feels to be in love but I don not know if I have ever felt it - does that make sense?  I have had fleeting moments where I thought it was possible, but that never lasts very long and I end up feeling very defeated.

These are just my thoughts so take them for what they are worth - I am just a chick trying to figure out where to be

Blank

My mind has been a complete blank for about a week now. I am not too sure why. I am hoping that it is my brains way of rebooting and that I will wake up and have some brilliant idea about the direction of my life - not holding my breath for that one - but I have got to snap out of this and get something done. It seems that I cant pay attention to anything this past week.

This is possibly the worst time for this to be going on, I have so many things I want to get done and the weather is getting nicer and all I can do is think about nothing!!

I am not not getting stuff done, I am kinda going through the motions at home.

Is there something wrong with me? I am not sure yet, but if this continues I am gonna have to recruit help from somewhere cause it just sucks that I cant think.

In some ways its not all bad, I have been sleeping better, cause if you aren't worried about - well- anything sleep is easy. I just worry that I am falling into a funk that I am gonna have very hard time getting out of, going through the motions and doing stuff just cause it has to be done is no way to live and that's what I am doing right now.

apprehension

Well it s Monday and cold and crappy out so the day isn't starting out all that well.
I have hope though, there is something in my life that is going to change soon - I know it !! The change may be good or bad on its face but in the end any change in my circumstances is going to be  good, be it a new friend or a  new job or just a better feeling about my self.

I am a bit apprehensive about this transition but I am confident that it will be a good thing in the end. There may be a struggle at first but it will all work out for the best. I just hope that I am ready for what ever life has in store for me and can rise to the occasion and make the best out of it, and not fall into my old habits and patterns.

Meanwhile - my baby is turning 16 years old today!!! While I am sure he is excited, I am starting to realize that life is very short and I have missed too much.

I am not so sure...

I am not so sure that there is not something wrong with me.

I am feeling very very alone today and that is odd and not good right now, I have many friends that I can talk to yet somethings I just refuse to let fall off my tongue. I thought that it was because I didn't want to be vulnerable but I am pretty sure that's not it anymore - anyone who knows me knows that I am vulnerable but hate it and so I am not sure why I feel the need to keep parts of myself from the people that I care about: Am I afraid they will judge me? am I afraid they wont understand, or am I just afraid that if I actually tell (show) people the real me that they will run away as fast as they can?

I love my family and my friends and am sure that this will pass - I am just feeling very alone and misunderstood. I thought that this feeling was reserved for the young who haven't found themselves yet, I guess it is the same for all ages - I have actually not "found myself" yet which is odd at my age which may have something to do with the alone feeling that is coming out of this mood that I am in - there is no one who actually understands a 36 year old woman who cant figure out how to survive in life.

actions

Today is a good day - kinda

I am kinda tired today but content - not sure if those two things go together or not, but that is how I am feeling today. I don't want to have to deal with too much today, somehow I think that is a dream.

I have  this feeling that I have to be responsible for my own actions and that this is the place that I need to be right now and if I cant even get my thoughts in order how am I ever gonna get my life in order.

What about other peoples actions? Do other people realize that their actions have consequences on other peoples lives?
This is my major issue right now, letting people help me with my issues and then me helping them is OK - except I am not sure if I want the kind of help that people are offering. I have always been very independent and I would like to be able to take care of my self before I get into a symbiotic relationship, that is not what either of us wanted.
 No one ever knows what will happen after the smoke clears on a problem.  I do not want to have NEED anyone - I would like to want someone in my life that is an equal, who already can take care of themselves.

I just do know!

Today is kind of a mixed bag - I am here alone and it isn't too bad, I am getting some things done that needed to be done and some time to sort of reflect.

This day is a new day - new ways of looking at things and new ideas on how to move my life forward. I am not sure if this is going to get me anywhere, but it cant really hurt at this point.

I am hoping that if I start looking at things different that things will somehow BE different - does that make sense?

So starting today - my life isn't as bad as I once thought it was and it is now on an upward tilt - I am healthy and I have family that supports me and wants to see me happy, friends that are there for me. I think maybe I have more than most people - so I am thankful.

How I feel today

I know that I have been writing a lot lately and it is a good thing for me - not so sure if anyone else thinks it is. I have been on a roller coaster of emotions and moods the past few weeks, sometimes I feel like it is all going to be ok then I feel completely hopeless - its kinda making me nuts.

I have some awesome facebook friends that make me laugh and are very supportive and I appreciate them very much - I think that is why I am so addicted to facebook - it is a nice escape (distraction) from real life. I have actually made a few really good friends.

I am in such a place right now that thinking of the future is difficult at best. The past is the past and I must remember that and move forward. I am hoping that this forward momentum will spill over to other aspects of my life and kinda propel me where I am supposed to go.

I am very ambivalent today - good mood but feeling very anxious, like there is something I am supposed to be doing but I have no idea what is - its making me a little bit nervous.

I have finally got my house into working order - well for the most part - it will never work the way it is supposed to without a contractor that is.

Friday nights

Well it is Friday night and I would normally be feeling kinda blue, but for some reason I am in an optimistic mood today - I got out of the house and got to see my step-mom. I am taking a road-trip with my bff tomorrow, that is something to look forward to and I have had some good feelings today - like maybe I can make plans and not feel bad about it.

I would not go so far as to say that I am in a good mood but these days if it isn't bad I will take it.

I am going to talk to some old friends this weekend and see if there is anything I can do to help them - I can at least listen and maybe do some stuff from home for them - computer research or anything - just to be of help. I think this will make me feel better - just to help others.

I just want some forward momentum at this point. I feel like I am on a precipice waiting to either fall or fly - its weird cause I am not scared, just anxious. New beginnings and all are kinda scary, but maybe that's what I need something new and that I haven't already done and failed at - we will see. The fact that I am looking to the future is a good sign. A couple of months ago I could not look past tomorrow so...

realizations

k so I have been writing a lot lately and I think it is good because I am getting in tune with my self. I have come to a couple of realizations about my self and how I interact with others.

The first being that I have intimacy issues that prevent me from attaching to much to other people.  The second is that I am actually a pretty private person, meaning that I will tell anyone anything they want to know but not the actual details that make it me - if that makes any sense.

 I have a tendency to get to a point in any relationship, be it a friend or a intimate one and then I tend to pull back and push that person away - I think it is because the few people that I have ever let in - learned all about me and then just left - I am not sure why they left, I always assumed that I scared them away but now I am not so sure that didn't push them out the door.  

I am going to try to work on these issues at some point, not at the moment though - simply because it is not necessarily a bad thing to not make connections at this point in my life. My life is a train-wreck right now and I need to really focus on trying to get my self dug out of this hole - no one else is going to help me and I really want to be able to help more people in the future - so I am an island for now and someday I hope that this will change and I will be able to help out all my friends and family and  my community.

Getting over stuff

Today I have been pondering some things in  life and I am wondering if we ever really "get over" some things - I mean most things just roll off my back, but some things rock me to my core so profoundly that I am not all that sure I am supposed to "get over" them - like the death of a loved one. We all miss the people in our lives that have left us, but what if it was some one who you actually needed  - how do you get over that? I mean moving on is one thing but being able to live without some one who you depended on and now you don't know what to do - this is very hard and sometimes it just hits me all of a sudden - "hey I am never gonna see this person again - and we had so much unfinished business to take care of together, such plans."

I find myself asking advice from people that don't exist anymore and I am not sure that is healthy, or even sane - honestly. Sometimes all it takes is for me to hear a song or to see someone who knew them or knew that I knew them to set off an anxiety attack and render me helpless to the tears that flow down my face like Niagara falls .


Just my thoughts for the day

Today

Today is the day after my birthday - I am 36 years old

Today is mixed bag - where I am happy to be back at my house (we had no power for like 2weeks), I am not all that happy about the state of my house and how I have allowed my place to become such a disgrace. I am going to spend the majority of the day cleaning, which in itself is not a bad thing, I just wanted to get so much more done today.

I still have no job, and this makes this even worse because I can not get any of the supplies I need to fix this mess, but it will be OK - I have a brain and the determination to get through this - I just think that maybe life could give me a small break to catch my breath before something else catastrophic happens oh Lord I pray!!

The worst part of the situation is is that I seem to be alienating  the people who care for me most and I don't know how to stop this from happening. I am so embarrassed by the state of my life that I cant even ask my family for help because I don't want them to know how bad it is. The few friends that I have left have no clue how bad it is - I guess I am good at hiding my emotions,yet when I am alone they come flooding in on me like a tidal wave and I can not function. This is vicious cycle that I do not know how to break, when I am alone is when I feel that I can get something done, as soon as I get alone I am paralyzed.  

Perspective

Well here it is February and I am not sure how I feel about this new year yet - its kind of a mixed bag, really. On one hand I am not sure of anything as far as where I am going or what is gonna happen next, but on the other hand I have this weird optimism that has come over me lately that makes me feel like everything is going to be ok - no matter what I do. I am not sure where it is coming from this overwhelming feeling that something good is going to happen, but I will take it - it has given me strength I didn't even know that I had and that is something.

I  am feeling very grateful for all that I do have and concentrating less on my temporary situation. This has given me a new perspective and I appreciate that very much

I thank God everyday for being here with me and helping me get through this mess