Today

Today is the day after my birthday - I am 36 years old

Today is mixed bag - where I am happy to be back at my house (we had no power for like 2weeks), I am not all that happy about the state of my house and how I have allowed my place to become such a disgrace. I am going to spend the majority of the day cleaning, which in itself is not a bad thing, I just wanted to get so much more done today.

I still have no job, and this makes this even worse because I can not get any of the supplies I need to fix this mess, but it will be OK - I have a brain and the determination to get through this - I just think that maybe life could give me a small break to catch my breath before something else catastrophic happens oh Lord I pray!!

The worst part of the situation is is that I seem to be alienating  the people who care for me most and I don't know how to stop this from happening. I am so embarrassed by the state of my life that I cant even ask my family for help because I don't want them to know how bad it is. The few friends that I have left have no clue how bad it is - I guess I am good at hiding my emotions,yet when I am alone they come flooding in on me like a tidal wave and I can not function. This is vicious cycle that I do not know how to break, when I am alone is when I feel that I can get something done, as soon as I get alone I am paralyzed.