So...

So I have found myself totally paralyzed  by the situation I have found myself in, and it has now manifested its self into physical pain. I have no idea how to fix this or even how to make a move at this point.

I do have people in my life that I am thankful for that are there for me and I do appreciate them very much - but I do not think that they are capable of helping me right now and that is where I find my self - with no where to turn.

That is not to say that I am giving up - I am not, I just needed to get this out of my system and figure out a way out of this mess. I have been praying and thinking about the situation that I am in and how to get out - I believe that I can, if I can just find some forward momentum before it is too late to save my home and sanity. I am not going down without a fight and I am pretty resourceful and hope and pray for the strength to get this part of my life into the past and move forward toward my life as it should be.

ME

Ok so I have been told lately that I shut people out or push them away when I tend to need them the most. I guess I do do this - I have always done this, isnt it human nature to hide the worst parts of ourselves? This is not that bad of a way to be - do other people really want to know the worst parts of you when they are not even sure of the good parts?

The fact that most of my life and feelings are an open book puts some people off alittle bit, they dont realize maybe that I try very hard to not give out too much information about myself but as most people who know me know that I usually do give out too much.

I mean that most people who choose to know me know most of me and that is usually a good thing until they realize that I am a complete train wreck. I dont try to explain this to anyone - it really is no ones business. I do understand that sometimes I may require help from someone, but it is just to difficult to explain how I have made a mess of my life and then ask for someone to help me. The fact that I admit that I need help sometimes is a huge step for me so I guess that I am making progress. I am just not sure that I want anyone to see me that exposed. 

Today???

Today was a mixed bag. It started off not that good but I decided that I wasn't gonna keep doing this - wasting my days. I cant stand the fact that I wasted so many of my days to this mood that I have been in for the past like week. I had to do something to make me feel better. I wasn't sure what that was, but I was gonna make something happen. Guess it worked cause I got all my assignments for one of my classes in and all caught up with at least one class, that's something.  I also worked out for the first time in like 3 months that was actually very therapeutic, some alone time to just think and my back feels like a million bucks.

There was also some not so good stuff that happened, a very good friend of mine is going through some crap and I am torn up about it, he is such a good guy and is getting a raw deal and I wish that I could do more then just tell him to be positive, right now I don't have much more to give then some uplifting words and coming from me at this point I am not sure that they mean too much. I wish that I could wave a magic wand and make his pain go away.

Some other not so good things my bff landed in the hospital and well I am very worried about her as well. I just keep thinking, oh my, everything is just falling apart around me.

Meanwhile my life is still in flux and there is no new news - that maybe a good thing - no news is good news - right?

All in all the day was pretty bad but by doing a little bit for myself and just not letting another day get away from me was a good thing. I just wish  I could do more to help the people in my life.  I hope that for now they understand that I am there for them. Someday I will get to a place where I am able to help them the way that they deserve to be.

I wanted to write - it is therapeutic at this point for me.

Well I have been in a very bitchy mood for days now and I am starting to get concerned.
I am not sure what the main issue is, I was hoping that while I slept that my subconscious brain would work out some of my issues that are underlying. This has not happened, I am just over loaded with worry and anxiety.

I mean I just don't know what to do - I know what should be done, I just cant figure out how to get anything done. I feel very powerless right now and am not sure how to get any semblance of power back. I am usually good at negotiating or bartering to help others and to get something done - I just don't have anything to offer another party at this point.


I know what the problems are that is half the battle right? I am pretty sure that I know some of the solutions, but every time that I implement a solution it spirals into a new problem that I have no idea what happened or how to fix. This is a recurring issue in my life the "snowball effect" I can usually overcome it with some persistence and just plain logic but this is killing me and I am not sure why.

I feel like the world is happening around me and I am just sitting here watching - like this cant possibly be happening. Even when good things happen, I always feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop or to see how I can make a mess of this too. I have made so many mistakes ( no regrets) I just feel like the life lessons that I have learned should be more profound and guide me, they are not telling me anything except that I screw up ALOT.

I have about 900 things I should be doing instead of this but this seemed like the best way to making me not so bitchy.

Stranded

My days are just running together and I keep losing time. This is not a good thing since alot of y problems are kinda time sensitive.

I have reached the end of my rope and don't know what to do. I am just numb and paralyzed by - well - life, it has finally kicked my ass to the point where I have no idea what is gonna happen to me and well I am not sure that I care.

The fact that I am righting this is proof that I am not suicidal. I will survive I just am not too sure that I should and what my future holds. I don't know anything anymore. All the life lessons that I have learned got me here - is that a good thing? I don't think so.

I am just lost and confused and well stuck. I don't know how I got here and I cant figure a way out. I keep hoping that some  masterful plan comes to me while I read or as I am doing dishes or laundry, but I get nothing. I know that means something - am I supposed to do more to get my mind off my situation or should I be thinking about it more? I just don't feel like I have any options left, I don't know where to turn I feel completely stranded in this place that I have built for my self.

I just dont know !!!

Well here we go again - this is usually where I tell a story of how terrible I feel and how I am completely screwed, but well I am not sure - my emotional state is ok.
I am a bit depressed but that is what happens when you lose you husband and your job and pretty much  your life all in a matter of a month.
This all happened a year ago and I just don't understand why I cant get past it. I have always considered myself to be pretty strong and resourceful, but for some reason I keep looking back and wondering what the hell happened and what I have done to get here and how am I supposed to get out and fix it if I have no idea how I fell so far so fast.
I am not sure what I am doing wrong at this point, which is making it difficult to figure a way out. I just feel like I am drowning and sucking in water waiting for some one to come with a life boat - but there is no one in sight.
I love the fact that I have recently met people who do kinda get me and they are trying to be there for me - but I have never been on this side of things. I was always the one who listened and helped  if  I could or found some one to help - I like helping people. I have never even conceived the thought that I would ever need help it is just in my constitution - I am a giver  - that is how I define myself if I don't have that - who am I?

I don't know where I go from here
I am alone and paralyzed by my own fear and loathing