Almost

How come I can always almost get happiness?

I have such a mess of a life I just want one thing that makes me happy to last for more then a minute.  I mean there are things like spending time with my son and seeing my niece and nephew but these are such fleeting events that I am always left with an empty feeling.

This life that I have is not made for anyone to be involved in even if I would like a partner - I can not have one, it would not be fair to them to ask them to help a drowning girl with no benefit for them.  Even my family can not help me they have no idea what I am going through - they try and I do appreciate it but they have no clue about the inner struggles I have been through in my life.

I am so different in my thoughts to all the people that I know that it is hard for me to make connections, I am not sure if that is my fault or not, I am sure that it is mostly because I refuse to let people into my thoughts - they are the only thing that are completely mine and they do not need to be shared.

No one is capable of interpreting my mind and therefore it stays locked inside me for the rest of my so-called life.

Merry Christmas

I hope that every one's holiday was filled with joy


 Well the holiday is over and it wasn't that bad - I just wish that I could have done more for my family and went to see more people.  My second mother and her family had a tragedy and I wasn't there for them - I am a little upset with my self for that. 

I love giving gifts to my family and friends to show how much I appreciation them and to show how much they mean to me - this year they have all done the most for me and I wasn't able to show them how much that meant to me, this was very upsetting to me.

I don't know how to fix this. 

I do know that this year was not the happiest year for me and I am hoping that the coming new year will bring new beginnings and I will be able to show my family and friends how much they mean to me.

I wish there was a way for me to just explain to everyone what is going on - I have never been all that good at letting people in and telling them how I feel or what is going on with me especially when it is embarrassing or that I am ashamed of the situation that I am in, I don't want anyone to know how bad it really is - this is my problem that I must figure out on my own and it is just not fair to drag anyone else into this gigantic mess that I have created for my self.

Well that is enough of that - I am going to make the next year better for me and my family

I hope every ones new year is filled with joy and happiness 

No one

No one really knows me - is that my fault?

I am sure that it is at least partly my fault,  I do have alot of walls built up, but they came from somewhere, there had to be a reason they were put up. The fact that they have not always been there means there should be someone who knew me before they were there.

I know my self better then people give me credit for  I have done much soul searching in my life and have learned a great deal about myself and how others perceive me and how I see others. I may not see people for who they are sometimes and I do trust too much but not out of naivety, this is out of my complete faith that most people are good at their core. If I happen to run into a few that are not, that is fine as long as the good out weigh the bad.

It just bothers me that even the people who claim to care about me and be my friends do not take the time to see me for what I am.

I am a normal (somewhat) person who tries to do the right thing, and I hope that most of the time I do, but no one is perfect or without sin.

I am not qualified to judge anyone else and would hope that no one would judge me, especially on mistakes that I have made or decisions that I have made in the past, present or future. I try very hard to follow my heart - although it isn't always clear if that is a good decision either.

All I have left to do is pray and hope that I am going to be alright in my faith and that God will not let me fall any farther then I already have.

I have nothing left except my faith.

A mess

Today I am a mess and am not too sure why.

I have this terrible nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach, it is obviously trying to tell me something but I am not sure what, which is odd because I am usually pretty in tune with my emotions and whats going on inside myself.

I know that I am running out of time to get everything done I wanted to get done by the end of this God-forsaken year - but this cannot be the reason for this wrenching feeling that I am having right now. I have been in worse situations then this before and pulled myself out at the last minute that is how I am. I work best  when under pressure - maybe there has not been enough pressure till now? I don't know.
I am sure there is something looming but I just don't know what it is and that is making me feel more uncomfortable. I am hoping that I can get something accomplished in the next few days and that will make me feel better.

I don't understand this feeling cause I finally decided to simplify my life and made what I think are good decisions and move myself forward - where these bad decisions?

Me

Okay so today I am feeling a little bit of the holiday blues - at least I hope that is what it is.

I have taken stock of my life the past few days and well it is kind of a disappointment - I have nothing to say that I have accomplished anything in my life - well failures but other then that there is nothing to speak of but death and misery really - I cant remember the last time I actually felt happy or anything except despair or overcome with responsibility. I don't know why, really, there are things that make me happy - spending time with my son and what friends I have left, etc. but for some reason even when I am feeling like I want to be happy in the moment I just cant seem to shake the feeling that the next moment is going to be tragic. 

I am sorry for making this particular blogg so dark but people say write about what you know and well this is what I know right now - I am hoping that I get my life together at some point and can start writing about how great things are and how I can help anyone who needs help - but for now this is it

My life is my responsibility and I will handle it the best way I know how,  I am just hoping that God will be on my side even though I may not deserve it. I really could use some help at this point and  dont know where else to turn- this is where I should have started and just trusted that things happen for a reason and that there is a plan for me.

I dont know

I am feeling the need to write today.
I don't know what I am going to write yet, but I figured I would just let my fingers just go and hope something comes out. 

I am feeling very complacent today, the weather maybe has something to do with it, but I am feeling more and more like I just want the world to go away and leave me alone. Not sad or anything like that, just well, I don't know, I just don't feel like being around people, which is odd for me this time of year usually I am very social wanting to spread holiday cheer and all. I have my own holiday cheer and am feeling ok about the holidays - just don't know how I am gonna pull it off this year with no money and very limited resources at my disposal, but that is just normal holiday stress that everyone goes through.

This is the first year in a long time that I am alone and it is different but not really all that scary anymore I made it this far and I will make it the rest of my life if I have to. I have given up on the whole fantasy of a white knight coming to rescue me and  living happily ever after - we make our own destiny and I have to just get on my own horse and ride off to it on my own.