aftermath

OK so the major holiday is over - its kinda depressing.
I love having my family and friends around and cooking and taking care of things and making sure that everything is perfect ( I get a little anal) that's what I like to do - I was alittle disappointed  that I couldn't give the gifts that I really wanted to give due to my financial constraints - but I gave into that - there was nothing I could do about that right now. I was also a bit upset that I didn't get to see all of my family this year - everyone was so busy and I had  no way to get around, but again I have accepted that too.

Now that everyone is gone and it is all over I am feeling a bit lonely and well lost, plus the few gifts I did manage to scrap up the money for, remain here after everyone left - that kinda hurt my feelings a bit but again I am sure I will be fine - and learn a lesson in the end.

I am however a little bit concerned about my mom at this point - she stayed here for the holiday, which was nice. She got a terrible phone call on Christmas Day that a good friend of hers had passed away in her apartment ( upstairs from my mom's ) it was tragic - as she was young. My mom talked about when she went home the first thing she wanted to do was see her and talk about the events of holiday and family, etc. So I am not sure if she is going to be too lonely in her apartment with out her friend. She says that she will be OK, I sure wish she would have stayed here so that I could see for myself that she is OK.

I am going through the " holiday blues" I guess - I am sure that next year will be better and I am going to start making good decisions and getting my life back on track - this is my year!!!

Welcome 2012!!

Holidays

Well here it is December 11th, 2011 -
I really thought that this year would be better than last - so much for hope. I mean I am not with out hope for a Christmas miracle but I am not expecting it.
I love the holiday season I just wish that I had more to offer than hope - to my family, to my friends, and truly to the world. I love to give - I just have nothing left to give - well I still have the love that I feel for all the people in my life; I know it sounds odd but I have a deep love all people and wish that I could do more to make the world we live in better for everyone, I am just a lonely, depressed lady with not too much to offer anyone.

 I hope everyone has a joyous  holiday season - no matter how you celebrate.!!

My holidays will turn out alright I will hopefully get to see family, and not be too embarrassed by my situation to have a conversation. My family is great and I wish them all the best -

wow its been a while!!

I know its been a long time since I wrote anything here - I have been very busy, getting my life together. Trying that is - everytime I think that I am getting somewhere life throws me a new curve-ball, I thought at first that that was a good thing - you know, God wont give you anything you cant handle, and all, but this time I am clearly out of my league to figure out the solution.

I have been having crazy thoughts and feelings about my whole situation and have been praying for some guidance and every time that I think that I am doing the right thing it  turns out to be the exact wrong thing to do.

I am in a worse place now than I have ever been and I have no way of knowing what to do. Court dates and job searches and schoolwork and everything else I can handle but not having to find another place to live in the middle of all of this and now my son's school and my mom trying to help but has no clue how bad it is, no one really does - mostly because I haven't told anyone because I am ashamed of the mess that I have made of my life. I am a 35 year old woman who is incapable of taking care of herself - let alone anyone else. Why is that? Is there something wrong with me? Have I completed my time on this earth and now it is time for me to move on? I have no idea, I just know that something has to break before I have to make some decisions I am not really equipped to make.

No real updates

Well the past few days have been nothing new, just a mingle of crap and putting out fires and and just trying to get by. I just wanted to write - I love writing. I am taking a writing class now and am so excited. Getting all my thoughts out of my head and onto a page is very therapeutic. I am not sure if it will get me anywhere or do me any good but here they are:

The thought for the past few days is please God help me get through this and make me understand how I got here and to never go down this path again. I need to find a way to make money and kinda in a fast way before I become homeless and none of this will matter. I am a smart, resourceful, semi-attractive female why cant I figure out how to make a living?? This is just stupid that I cant get back on my feet it has been long enough for me to bounce back from tragedy and get on with my life.

Just my thoughts take them for what they are worth. I will figure it out someday - just hoping that I get it before the damage is irrevocable.

Latest issues

5/9/2011 4:25 PM

Ok so today is kind of a waste but I am going to make the best of it – I hope! We have no internet or telephone or for that matter tv but that doesn’t bother me so much, It will give me time to think and reflect on how to fix this mess – I am going to meditate and try to make a plan. It just seems that whenever I have some sort of plan that some catastrophe comes by and just sucks the plan I had out the window.  Today the plan was to put in an Avon order (to maybe make some money) guess what? Cant do it without the internet!  I was also supposed to start my new classes today and was kind of excited – I take classes online – do you see the irony of not having internet access? So today is like the lost day, hoping that the crap will be back on tomorrow, though I am not sure.

I am wring this knowing full well that no one will see or be able to read it until some later date so I have dated and time stamped it for when I do get back online, who ever reads this will know when all this occurred and not be confused about not having internet and being able to post this

Ok – Off to meditate

The only thing that I am sure of is that I need some source of income so that I can find my way through this darkness.

My Mother's Day sentiment

As I think of Mother’s Day, I not only think about my mom, but all the other mother-figures in my life. I have not always been the best person, and these people looked beyond that to nurture me and help me find my way and I want to thank them all.

Everyone please don’t forget any other women who helped you get through, they deserve appreciation and a thought from us so they know what they meant to us. 

My mother figures include: my step-mom who took me in at my worst, my sister who always looks out for me, a boss that I looked up to and always gave advice from the heart and knew me better then I knew myself sometimes, and an aunt(s) that is always there to give me that push I need even when I don’t necessarily want it.

I just wanted to make sure the “other mothers” in my life knew that I appreciated them and love them.  Although, I do not always show it,  all these women, including my mom, have helped shape my life and make me the person that I am and I appreciate and care deeply for them even when they are far away.

My view on recent Events

I haven't written in a while and there is a lot of stuff going on so I figured I would put in my 2 cents.

The first being the news: The death of Osama Bin Ladan I am not sure how I feel about this, I mean I am glad that this huge chapter of this country's history may be coming to an end, but I cant shake the feeling of "whats next?" I mean all that I have ever been taught is that the death of any man is not to be celebrated - but on one hand I am not sure he was actually a man and not just a manifestation of evil. I am just alittle bit disheartened by the celebration. The fact that this effected me so profoundly is a question I can not answer.

As far as my life well that is a whole other issue, conflict on top of conflict seems to be the theme for the week. I have bunch of irons in the fire and find my self waiting for something to come through, but I am so anxious that I cant sit still. I feel as though I am going to crawl out of my skin. I feel as if I should be doing something yet every time I try to make a move it gets stopped by some thing outside of me.

I  feel like I am very close to some sort of break through, it just seems right out of reach. I have been thinking outside the box as they say and have had some success, so lets just hope that I can stay on some kind of forward momentum and that it is not too little too late.

Good/bad/indifferent

Well today is a good day and a bad day. This day I woke up full of ideas and ways to get my self out of this mess. Thinking outside the box, as they say, is the only way that I am gonna fix this.I am not sure if this is what I supposed to be doing but, what I have been doing so far hasn't worked so...

I am going to take some of my skills that I have believed were useless and turn them into something I can do to make money, I am not sure how yet but, I am going to try and try again till I figure it out. I do believe that if I was given a gift it needs to be brought to its full potential.

No one is coming to my rescue, even if they say they are they aren't, I realize this now, it is up to me and if anyone wants to come along for the ride that's fine with me, but buckle up - it may get a little bumpy along the way!!

These are my thoughts of the day and I hope it keeps up, maybe I will get something accomplished that I can be proud of and feel good about - we will see.

Here we go again!!

OK so today sucked - but I am not discouraged - well not alot atleast. My biggest issue is that I do believe that my car is actually sabotaging me - everytime that I have an interview for a good job that happens to be a distance away from my house I get all excited and get up early and get ready and the friggin thing wont start!!!

I missed 2 interviews today and now about 5 hours too late the car is running fine, REALLY????

The mortgage doubled this month - this is an issue since I could really make the old payments never mind double them, I dont know what I am gonna do - I need a good job and I need to start like now. I am doing well in school - doesnt really do much for my current situation - so I will be a smart, homeless person.

I have to admit I am trying, but it is gettting more and more difficult to keep a stiff upper lip at this point.
My body is in a constant state of tension to the point where my jaw locks up and I cant even eat or talk - I know that it is a stress thing but what am I supposed to do about it? I cant just not stress - I have to get out of this mess!

I don't know how much more that I can take of this life that I have. Every time that I even have a thought of getting out of this mess something happens to take me right back to where I feel like it is hopeless. I am not sure what the plan is but I wish I just knew if I was supposed to give up or keep fighting, I just don't know how much strength that I have left.

I just want to spend time with my son and not have him look at me with disappointment. I don't think that that is too much to ask really - I guess that I have to earn that by getting my shit together. I just don't know how anymore.


I am having such a bad day - it didn't start out that bad, which is new, it started out ok but then it was like someone just kept throwing roadblocks at me and well I don't know how to jump over this many at a time.

I set up 2 interviews and took an online assessment for a job today so that was good. When I went to pick up my son the stupid car wont start. This is not a new issue for me it has been doing this for days - it lets me get places and home then when I actually need to get something accomplished it wont run - I feel like it is a sign.

The rest of the day was spent wringing my hands and trying not to cry, I really wanted to see my son. The job opportunities are not coming in as much as they should so I really need to get on these interviews. Plus my mom has been sick and I am worried about her and well the rest of the world seems to have gone mad.

Not to digress too much but the government has lost heir minds as well as the media and and any other information outlet I can find. I get that this country is in trouble - we all get it, but do we really need to be telling other countries where we have troops that we are a mess??? 


Sorry for that rant but I am kinda sick of hearing and seeing that the whole world is going nuts, it just pains me sometimes to see the heartbreak everywhere.

THIS IS IT!!!

I am ME that is all that I can be and that should be enough. I dont believe for one minute that I was put here to just keep failing. I have learned so much about myself in this past year or so of crap, that I have been going through, I will get through this and be a better person for it, I just know it!!

I dont know where I am going but I do have a clue that it is not just being stuck here doing the same thing and not getting anywhere. I would love to know or have a feeling at least that I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if this is it then so be it - I will just keep trudging along doing the best that I can knowing that there is  a reason and a place for me at the end or even in the middle for that fact.

I dont have a clue how I am gonna get out of this but what I do know is that I am blessed to be alive and well and that is something so the rest will have to be a product of my perseverance and Gods will.

What I Think

This is the way I think - take it for what its worth.
I am pretty sure that there is a reason we are all here, I don't presume to know what it is - way above my pay grade.
I just hope that I can somehow figure out what I am supposed to do or where I am supposed to go  from here because I am kinda stuck  in this place where I have no clue what to do and where to go. I know that I have to make some kind of move I am just petrified of moving in the wrong direction, but any move has to be something because standing still is not really an option.

I cant tell if I am in denial or just depressed - I know how dire my situation is but it doesn't seem to phase me that much - it should be making me nuts and bounce off the walls thinking and talking to people trying everything I know how to do.Yet I am just paralyzed and cant think of what to do. I just don't get it I am usually a pretty motivated person who goes after things. When I need that quality the most it is lacking? I just don't understand!!!!

I am just not sure

Ok so the past few days have just been a waste - and that sucks cause I don't really have time to waste right now. My body has made it very difficult for me to get anything done. I am not sure if it a depression setting in or if I am really sick, so I don't know what to do about it right now except try to power through it and hope that it is not a physical illness. Depression is worse I know but at least if I know, I know that I can (hopefully) power through it with some serious positive thoughts and a long look ahead - where it has bound to be better.

I know that I haven't written in a while and I am hoping that it helps to get some stuff off my chest - I could always use some advice or input - and I give good advice too- even though my life is a mess.

I have posted my resume all over the place hoping that someone will check it out and know someone who  needs help or something. so...

http://www.resumebucket.com/deb328

If anyone wants to forward it to any one please feel free - I am getting pretty desperate at this point,  my mental health as well as my financial health are in serious danger at this point.

I am ok for now but am not sure how much longer I can sustain this level of tension. 
I try each day to thank God for what I have and not complain about what I don't - this has helped me put somethings into perspective. I just have to trust that there is a purpose and a plan and that all this is a test of my fortitude.

My Day

ok so I am pretty miserable today - I am not sure why really.
I have had some pain this week that kinda put my behind my schedule to get some stuff done and the resolution put my financially behind and it is not over yet - but this is just one more hurdle for me to get over on my road to where I am going - not sure where that is but the place I am in sucks so I need to move on and get over this and get on with my life - I just wish that I knew how to do that - it just seems like every time I have a plan and am confident that it will work out something stupid happens and I fall farther behind then I was before the plan.

I need to make a new plan and implement it before I get to discouraged to get anything done. I will just have to improvise for a while and pray that I am doing the right things.

So...

So I have found myself totally paralyzed  by the situation I have found myself in, and it has now manifested its self into physical pain. I have no idea how to fix this or even how to make a move at this point.

I do have people in my life that I am thankful for that are there for me and I do appreciate them very much - but I do not think that they are capable of helping me right now and that is where I find my self - with no where to turn.

That is not to say that I am giving up - I am not, I just needed to get this out of my system and figure out a way out of this mess. I have been praying and thinking about the situation that I am in and how to get out - I believe that I can, if I can just find some forward momentum before it is too late to save my home and sanity. I am not going down without a fight and I am pretty resourceful and hope and pray for the strength to get this part of my life into the past and move forward toward my life as it should be.

ME

Ok so I have been told lately that I shut people out or push them away when I tend to need them the most. I guess I do do this - I have always done this, isnt it human nature to hide the worst parts of ourselves? This is not that bad of a way to be - do other people really want to know the worst parts of you when they are not even sure of the good parts?

The fact that most of my life and feelings are an open book puts some people off alittle bit, they dont realize maybe that I try very hard to not give out too much information about myself but as most people who know me know that I usually do give out too much.

I mean that most people who choose to know me know most of me and that is usually a good thing until they realize that I am a complete train wreck. I dont try to explain this to anyone - it really is no ones business. I do understand that sometimes I may require help from someone, but it is just to difficult to explain how I have made a mess of my life and then ask for someone to help me. The fact that I admit that I need help sometimes is a huge step for me so I guess that I am making progress. I am just not sure that I want anyone to see me that exposed. 

Today???

Today was a mixed bag. It started off not that good but I decided that I wasn't gonna keep doing this - wasting my days. I cant stand the fact that I wasted so many of my days to this mood that I have been in for the past like week. I had to do something to make me feel better. I wasn't sure what that was, but I was gonna make something happen. Guess it worked cause I got all my assignments for one of my classes in and all caught up with at least one class, that's something.  I also worked out for the first time in like 3 months that was actually very therapeutic, some alone time to just think and my back feels like a million bucks.

There was also some not so good stuff that happened, a very good friend of mine is going through some crap and I am torn up about it, he is such a good guy and is getting a raw deal and I wish that I could do more then just tell him to be positive, right now I don't have much more to give then some uplifting words and coming from me at this point I am not sure that they mean too much. I wish that I could wave a magic wand and make his pain go away.

Some other not so good things my bff landed in the hospital and well I am very worried about her as well. I just keep thinking, oh my, everything is just falling apart around me.

Meanwhile my life is still in flux and there is no new news - that maybe a good thing - no news is good news - right?

All in all the day was pretty bad but by doing a little bit for myself and just not letting another day get away from me was a good thing. I just wish  I could do more to help the people in my life.  I hope that for now they understand that I am there for them. Someday I will get to a place where I am able to help them the way that they deserve to be.

I wanted to write - it is therapeutic at this point for me.

Well I have been in a very bitchy mood for days now and I am starting to get concerned.
I am not sure what the main issue is, I was hoping that while I slept that my subconscious brain would work out some of my issues that are underlying. This has not happened, I am just over loaded with worry and anxiety.

I mean I just don't know what to do - I know what should be done, I just cant figure out how to get anything done. I feel very powerless right now and am not sure how to get any semblance of power back. I am usually good at negotiating or bartering to help others and to get something done - I just don't have anything to offer another party at this point.


I know what the problems are that is half the battle right? I am pretty sure that I know some of the solutions, but every time that I implement a solution it spirals into a new problem that I have no idea what happened or how to fix. This is a recurring issue in my life the "snowball effect" I can usually overcome it with some persistence and just plain logic but this is killing me and I am not sure why.

I feel like the world is happening around me and I am just sitting here watching - like this cant possibly be happening. Even when good things happen, I always feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop or to see how I can make a mess of this too. I have made so many mistakes ( no regrets) I just feel like the life lessons that I have learned should be more profound and guide me, they are not telling me anything except that I screw up ALOT.

I have about 900 things I should be doing instead of this but this seemed like the best way to making me not so bitchy.

Stranded

My days are just running together and I keep losing time. This is not a good thing since alot of y problems are kinda time sensitive.

I have reached the end of my rope and don't know what to do. I am just numb and paralyzed by - well - life, it has finally kicked my ass to the point where I have no idea what is gonna happen to me and well I am not sure that I care.

The fact that I am righting this is proof that I am not suicidal. I will survive I just am not too sure that I should and what my future holds. I don't know anything anymore. All the life lessons that I have learned got me here - is that a good thing? I don't think so.

I am just lost and confused and well stuck. I don't know how I got here and I cant figure a way out. I keep hoping that some  masterful plan comes to me while I read or as I am doing dishes or laundry, but I get nothing. I know that means something - am I supposed to do more to get my mind off my situation or should I be thinking about it more? I just don't feel like I have any options left, I don't know where to turn I feel completely stranded in this place that I have built for my self.

I just dont know !!!

Well here we go again - this is usually where I tell a story of how terrible I feel and how I am completely screwed, but well I am not sure - my emotional state is ok.
I am a bit depressed but that is what happens when you lose you husband and your job and pretty much  your life all in a matter of a month.
This all happened a year ago and I just don't understand why I cant get past it. I have always considered myself to be pretty strong and resourceful, but for some reason I keep looking back and wondering what the hell happened and what I have done to get here and how am I supposed to get out and fix it if I have no idea how I fell so far so fast.
I am not sure what I am doing wrong at this point, which is making it difficult to figure a way out. I just feel like I am drowning and sucking in water waiting for some one to come with a life boat - but there is no one in sight.
I love the fact that I have recently met people who do kinda get me and they are trying to be there for me - but I have never been on this side of things. I was always the one who listened and helped  if  I could or found some one to help - I like helping people. I have never even conceived the thought that I would ever need help it is just in my constitution - I am a giver  - that is how I define myself if I don't have that - who am I?

I don't know where I go from here
I am alone and paralyzed by my own fear and loathing 

Why am I like this?

Why do I have such issues with things that everyone else had no problem with? I like to think that I am independent, but as soon as I run into a problem all I want is for some one to help me, and there is no one. I mean I have friends, but I am embarrassed to ask for help for things that I know are trivial and simple, yet my tangled up brain can not figure them out. I hate this feeling of having no clue how to get my self out of this mess that I have created. I am completely lost with this whole thing and I think that I am just so overwhelmed that I cant even make simple decisions.

 I have been hoping that if I just sit and ponder things for a while that I will come up with an idea. Then I feel like I should be doing something, I always feel like there is something I could be doing to fix this but I am paralyzed by the situation its self. This is a viscous cycle that doesn't ever stop and let me take a breath. I pray for sleep that never comes, I pray for the strength to make a move that doesn't set me back any father then I am already, I pray for the mental capacity to figure this out and get me on the right track.

where do I fit in?

I dont know where I fit in this world - I dont think I ever have known. I just have always been the one that is just always there and happy and with a "good personality" I dont even have that anymore so what is left?

I am not the smart one, the pretty one, or the even the clown, so where does that leave me? I have no real connections to anyone - no one knows me, really, the person that I am inside - a mess. I grasp that this is my fault mostly but no one has stuck around long enough to even try to find out, not even my kid. He knows who I am now and that is a generally good person of average intelligence who just cant catch a break, but is that what I want him to see when he looks at me?

I am not even sure who I am so why should anyone else? I cant seem to figure out where I belong. I have tried to fit here and there but I always have to block off a section of myself to fit anywhere except when I am alone. I dont like having to do that it makes me feel fake and wrong. why cant I just be me and be accepted warts and all?

What?

Okay so today was a mixed bag,  I feel good and terrible at the same time. I went on a job interview and well I didn't get the job - but the person interviewing me thought that my resume was good cause she passed it to a colleague and well she interviewed me on the spot and we will see - then she remembered me from a school that I went to and set me up with another interview - I know right odd - I went for a job I didn't really want and ended up with contacts and two other chances - wow


It wasn't a total lose it was actually more then I expected and I have 2 more interviews set up for next week plus I have an appointment at the schools career counselor so there are alot of irons in the fire its only a matter of time and perseverance on my part - wish me luck - aggressiveness has never been my strong suite but I am getting there.

There is light a the end of the tunnel - its just a matter of getting to it before i break down completely.

I am sorry

I am sorry to anyone who I have hurt during this period of indecision in my life that I have found my self in as of late. I hope that everyone can just take solace in the fast that I am hurting more then I have hurt anyone else.

I dont know if I am ever going to come out of this, I was hoping that I was on my way up and out but have found myself making the same bad decisions that I seem to make when I am in this place. I have never been this far down before so the decisions have worse ramifications then they usually do and again I want to apologize to those that have been hurt by my  pure idiocy.

I just hope that I did not burn too many bridges that cannot be rebuilt whenever my brain and heart start working together again.

Again I am sorry - and can not even hope for forgiveness at this point in my life.



ME

NEW YEAR - NEW DEMANDS

Well the last year has been pretty crappy for me but I made it through - barely to tell the truth - I am hoping that the new year is gonna bring me out of this funk that I fallen into lately, I am not sure it will not take the whole year.

I have come to some conclusions about me and my life - the first one being that NO ONE is coming to my rescue that is completely up to me to fix this mess - I know that I have said this before but now I have completely given in to the aspect of spending time alone and making sure that my priorities are right for me and getting my life back on the right track - it is going to be a challenge to say the least but I am gonna get there or dye trying.

I already have had my first hurdle of the new year and am alittle apprehensive about resolving it on my own but as I said I don't have too much of a choice right now so here I go....