Success

Ok maybe its the cold or virus or whatever is clogging up my chest and sinus',  but I have a sinking feeling deep in my heart that all this work that I am doing is going to be in vain.

Sometimes no matter how much you want or think you deserve something - you still shouldn't have it.

It doesn't matter how great your life is or how successful you are or how many trophies, plaques, certificates or degrees you have - it all means nothing if you don't have someone to share your successes with. I know that our accomplishments are our own and we should be proud of them and ourselves for the success, but all these things are not going to keep us warm at night or make us feel better when we are down.

People take for granted the relationships in their lives - I mean think about it : whenever something good happens what is the first thing you want to do?  You can not wait to tell someone - usually the most important person in your life. Even when something bad happens, you cant wait to get advice or counsel from someone important to you.

I understand that their are people who are happy being by themselves, and I wish that I was strong enough to be that type of person. I just cant imagine the rest of my life like this - no one to turn to or to be there for if they need me.

The only thing drowning out the loneliness of my heart is the sound of the rain against my window. The only thing  more lonely is the rain falling all around and being absorbed into the ground to become one with the earth.

I take solace that this is not the end of the line for me but a new beginning, I have accepted the fact that I may need to be alone or awhile. This does not make me sad but brings me a whole new outlook, I am meant to take this time to reflect and make good independent decisions. My role in life must be reevaluated and I must move forward and make the best of my self reliance.

I will make new connections and better choices as to my life and goals that I want to accomplish. I have already started this process and it is obviously working because I am not afraid of the future and being alone.

On a more personal note, this is not to say that I would not take advantage of any opportunities that should arise  - some regular sex would be  kinda  nice - but I am not gonna push that one right now - lmao

Love, lust, relationships - just my thoughts

Here we go my thoughts are kinda out there today.  I have been thinking alot about relationships and how we are supposed to survive and not go insane. The very thought of a relationship right now is terrifying, but you cant really fight things that fall into your lap and make you happy.

I think people get lust confused with love very often, and this is a bad thing because it ends up hurting both people in the end no matter who is the one that is confused. Love is whole other plane of existence, its something that no one can define but everybody tries. I am starting to think that it is going to elude me for the rest of my life, but I am actually ok with that, at least for now. Yes I still get lonely sometimes but if that's how it has to be for now then that's how it will be.

I am actually one of the few people who does not get confused very easily. I can separate the physical from the emotional.  This gives me a small advantage over some people who might want to hurt me. It also makes me seem a little cold, but well, if that's what it takes to keep my self sane then they will have to deal.

I think love is something that you need to earn and I just haven't yet. Maybe I never will but that's ok I am going to be ok - alone or part of a unit.

The other side

Well, here it is 4am again and my brain is going 1,000 miles an hour. Well part of the reason for that is good, I have alot of things going on, some good and some bad but all going on at the same time.

The fact that I am awake and writing and it is not about me being lonely or abandoned so that's a good thing. The fact still remains that no matter what is going on I cant sleep at night. I have got to figure out how to turn my mind off. I am worried that I am not going to have the strength or energy to get through all this crap. I have some serious decisions to make and some rough times ahead of me to get where I am going. I will not be able to do this if I cant figure out how to get some sleep.

I have tried everything : meditation, homeopathic remedies, narcotics, alcohol, music, white noise, nothing works. I am hoping that once I get a couple steps in the right direction and I can see the road ahead is a good one that this will break, but  until then I will be awake, but that's ok I think I am getting used to not sleeping I have been getting things done in the middle of the night, I mean when else would I write or think without interruptions.

So that's my deal for now and for a while I believe. I started going to college online and have found some challenges along that path and will continue to try to put my life together.

Well here we are a Wednesday night just sitting here - thinking - too much I must say.  I should be doing school work or dishes or sleeping but instead I am sitting here just pondering the wreck of my life. I was hoping that I would be feeling better about myself alittle, I have been making some moves in the right direction, but well the progress is slow I guess. I will not get discouraged yet.

I was just wondering why the different parts of my life cant work together. I mean when I feel good about one part of my life, the rest feels like it is falling apart.  I don't know how to balance everything, and I don't understand why. I don't have half as much stuff going on as some people and they seem to keep it together. Why cant  I figure out how to get out of this mess? What is wrong with me?

I have never felt like this before. I have always been able to take care of myself no matter what happened. What is it that sent me into this tailspin? It doesn't matter how I got here, but I must figure out how to get out and back to a place where I feel like myself again.

I am sorry I don't mean for this to end up being a whine fest -

Complacency

Contentment is great. I think that if we feel good with what we have and are satisfied with the way our life is going that it is a good thing. How many people can say they are?

I think that we are meant to never be complacent, to always strive to be better then we are. Isn't the point of life to see how far we can get and much we can do, isn't this what makes us  get up in the morning? I mean I know we wake up with many other things on our minds : kids, work, bills, and how we are going to get it all done in a mere 24 hours, but have you ever stopped to think why? Why do we do it? Why get up and go to work to pay the bills and take care of our family?

I think and hope that we do it because we are striving to make life better for our children, for our parents, for our spouses and especially for ourselves. We all want our children to have more and better opportunities then we had growing up. Making our kids lives better is in turn making our lives more satisfying. Helping our parents out also makes our lives be more fulfilling.

I have a faith in humanity that some would say is naive, but I believe that at our core most people are good and want to do the right things in life. Life just has a tendency to get away from us sometimes and once we fall off the path it is very difficult to get back to the way we were before life kicked our ass.

Well this is just the way that I think so take it for what it is worth - one girls opinion.

I am hoping to live up to my own expectations and try to make my own life better for my family and for my own good.

Recurrance of nightfall

Well here we go again - the way I felt during the day is changing to the way I always feel when the night falls. The feeling in my chest that tells me I am always going to find myself alone dealing with my own feelings and having no revelations on how to put my life back together is overwhelming.

I know now that this feeling is temporary but it doesnt make it hurt any less as I sit here and contemplate my life, starring up at the ceiling trying to sleep.

During the day - well most days - I am fully capable of thinking that if I just do the things that I planned I will be moving in the right direction, but at night all the doubts and worries of the next day and if the things I am doing are right come flooding into my brain like Niagara Falls. I do not know how to stop this from happening every night.

I should call this the Bipolar Blogg - I always try to start with something good and positive, but the longer I think and focus the darker my thoughts get.  Maybe it is the thought of being alone for the rest of my life that frightens me so much. I have never actually thought of my self as needing a partner, but it seems to me  that the dark abyss of my life would have some light to it if there were some one here to share it with me. I dont know that I would even let anyone in at this point anyway, who deserves to be dragged into this mess?

Darkness

As I sit alone in the quietness of this enclave that I have made for myself, nothing to keep me company but my thoughts, I begin to wonder why?  Why am I being tested to the end of my sanity?  Why am I here?  How did I get here?  Am I making the same mistakes I have always made?  Do I have what it takes to get out of his mess?  Do I have the strength and perseverance to fix this mess? Should I even try?
I don't have any of the answers, just a million questions running around in my head keeping me from making any decisions at all. I am so over whelmed, I cant even think.

The worst part is that 3 years ago I would have been grateful to have this much time to myself - now that I have it I cant figure anything out. The emptiness that is my life right now is almost too much to bear, I feel as though I could just disappear and it wouldn't matter, to anyone. I have spent the entire day avoiding people, I wanted to be alone, but as soon as the darkness came I got this sinking feeling deep in my chest that just keeps getting worse, every night the same feeling. The more nights that go by the worse the feeling gets. I don't know know how much worse it can get before I have to do something to alleviate the pain.

I want my family back. I want my Dad to look at me and tell me that I am letting life kick my ass. I want my husband to tell me that I am being ridiculous. I would love for my son to come home and tell me that he loves me and wants to come home.

This is the part of my life that I don't understand, every time I actually listen to someone tell me something - they get taken away. Whether by God or their own freewill it doesn't matter. They are still not here to help me like they told me they would be. I would sacrifice all that I am and ever will be to have one person here for me now that understands what I am saying and wants to just be there for me.

Being alone in the daylight is sometimes a blessing, to get my thoughts together and make decisions for the future, but being alone at night is like torture, when all the worries of the world seem to flood my brain and render me incapable of rational thought.

Narative - fictional story - kinda

As I sit alone, facing the world tomorrow doesn't seem so bad. The days to come are not looking as gloomy as they are filled with hope. The days of my life that are lonely and filled with angst seem to be so far away that I don't even remember them too much anymore. The whole world will soon be filled with my brazen love for life. The world I once knew as lonely and forsaken has taken on a whole new meaning in my eyes, the way that has been, will never be again. The way that love has treated me will no longer rule my life and prevent me from doing things that I once loved to do. There is new day ahead filled with bright sunshine and endless possibilities and opportunities. The world has never seen the likes of a person like me and it may never again, so I must leave my mark in as many places as I possibly can while I am still here. I have given up too much to just sit on the sidelines and watch the world and my life just pass me by, its my time and I will make it the best time for all the world to see. This a new horizon for me and for all the people who I like to call my friends.

The part of this story that is true - is that this is the way that I would like to believe that I feel. Yet I do not, as I sit here alone on this Friday night thinking about facing the world tomorrow, and hoping and praying for some relief of this terrible feeling that I have deep in my soul, I fear there is none - just anxiety and stress and more worries. There is no one coming to rescue me or even to be here with me to help me deal with this mess that I have made of my life. Not that anyone should come I have made this mess and I need to figure out how to get out of it on my own, but it would be nice to just have some one that I can talk to honestly and be ok feeling vulnerable around that wouldn't judge me or tell me what to do - just listen and make me feel like its all gonna be ok. 

I love you


deb

Recurring themes

Ok well this seems to be a recurring theme in my life so  I am gonna run with it -
Every time I feel good about what I am doing or the direction my life is headed - I get this sinking feeling in my chest. The thought of getting out of his mess that I have made of my life is so great and every time I think I see the light at the end of the tunnel or even just some semblance of maybe seeing any day light at all, my emotions just seem to run away with me.
I don't know why I cant make one move in the right direction without feeling like I am a complete failure and that it doesn't matter what I do - it will fail and land me farther away from my goal than I was before I made the move.
I dream of the life that I would like to have and I set goals to get me there, and every time I start to make decisions based on those goals, I find something that I didn't take into account or see that that step will actually be bad for me and my family. What should I do? 

How do you balance love into this messed up mix of crap? Does anyone else deserve to be brought into this mess? Every time some one comes into my life - they try to fix it, or rescue me from myself and that is not love it is a complex that ( I think) most men have, to rescue the damsel in distress, which I have never seen myself as being but I guess I do act like that sometimes - needy and vulnerable. This just proves to me that I am not as  tuned into how I present myself to people, as I think that I am. So I am thinking that I need to work on how I see myself, before I should go looking for someone else. Problem is I haven't been looking for anyone but someone has found me and thinks they are in love with me, but is this possible? I don't even know myself very well how could someone else know me well enough to think they are in love with me?

I think people fall in love with the idea of love. Having some one there all the time to take care of us and for us to take care of no matter what happens always be there for us. This is an ideal that I am not sure I believe in. The concept is great, but does it work in reality? I have never seen proof, I mean I know the way you feel when you think your in love and its great, but it doesn't last very long, its like walking around with rose-colored glasses on - at some point you have to snap into reality and get through life. Life is hard enough when all you have to do is worry about your own crap, how hard is it to have to consider yourself as you and part of a unit?

Love

Well the ideas and thoughts are swimming around in my head very fiercely today.

My emotions are all over the map - I wish I could get my heart and my head to agree on anything. Just when I have made a decision that seems rational and well thought out my heart tells me it is wrong, and vice versa - just when I give into my heart and decide that I should do something that makes me happy even for a few minutes - my head gets in the way.

Emotions are not supposed to be rational or make sense that is why we have a rational portion of our brain, but what happens when they are in complete opposition? I think maybe the two hemispheres of my brain are not working properly, they should at least be working on the same level, not one going in one direction while the other goes off in a completely different objective.

I am on the edge of getting something done for myself - this is a good thing so why do I feel so apprehensive? I hope it is just my fear of new challenges that is in overdrive because of my current situation and that I can work through it.

Love - does it really exist?  I am not sure - as I am not sure of alot of things right now. Maybe I am a romantic at heart but I really do believe that love conquers all and that if you have found it it will bring you the greatest joy you can ever feel. I believe that I have felt it before cannot be sure though since it was so short lived. I am not sure that I deserve to feel that kind of happiness. I feel that you need to earn happiness and I do not think that I have yet, well that's not true - I have already had my shot at happiness and blew it and well why should I get another chance to feel that way when there are so many others who deserve it and don't ever find it?

Well here we go again - trying to shake up life alittle rearranging things, trying to get out of the comfort zone so that I feel uncomfortable - to make a change.

My heart and my head are in constant conflict - looking ahead to the future is great, but what about today? Does today need to be sacrificed to make tomorrow better? Then what if tomorrow is just as bad - live for today people say, but most of my days are just kinda running together into loneliness. 

Trying new things and rearranging furniture is a great way to get you in the right frame of mind to change your life. When you have no idea what needs to change, you start just  changing everything. I don't know if this is a good reaction - some things do work and are good. So how do you know what to change and what to keep the same?

Moving forward is the best thing - as long as your not moving so fast that you miss the things that are passing you by, its not where your going, its the people and places you run into along the way that make the journey tolerable.

My life is such a mess right now that any change would be a good thing  - so that's what I am gonna do - try to keep my heart and my head going in the same direction, this is not an easy task at this point, but I am gonna try like hell - wish me luck!!

Today

Today is a good day -
I know that has been said before but  I really feel like I am turning a corner in my life, at least that is the hope. I finally got some sleep. My mind is fresh, of course it was 5am on a Sunday morning when I woke up and cannot sleep anymore. I don't know how much I am going to get accomplished today it being a holiday weekend, but I am going to try like hell to find out what I can do to get my life back on track.
The resources that are available to me will be used to the full extent of my abilities and what  I cant figure out on my own I am going to just hang on and hope that if I get some things going that some of the other things will fall into place - hope and pray.
Today is going to be a good day - the more I say it the more I believe it. I am going to make sure that something good happens everyday from now on,  I am going to celebrate even the smallest victories to so that I may stay on this track and feel good about where I am going. 

I don't know where I am going, but I am going to make the most of the journey I am on.

Shallow

Well usually I find myself writing about my deep inner thoughts - but  tonight for some reason I am feeling kinda shallow and flighty.
I haven't slept now in 2 days - it is 5am on a Friday morning and I have  so many worries and things to think about  that all I have been doing is lying here staring up at the ceiling.
I appreciate all of the people who have been there for me during the times when I was feeling so alone. Now I am thinking that maybe I should be alone to try to figure out all these things that are going on in my life, these are issues that no one can help me figure out. I just need to make a plan and implement it. This sounds pretty simple, but I am not sure how to go about the figuring out part. Every time I think that I will be ok and start thinking positive something just pops up that I either forgot about or never saw coming.
The emotional toll this situation has had on me is the worst, because I have never thought of myself as an emotional person but lately I have been finding myself wearing my heart on my sleeve - this makes me feel very vulnerable, this could be a good thing to get me out of my comfort zone and make the necessary changes  to fix this mess that I call my life.  
I am just worried that if I don't figure out how to get some sleep that I am going to be to much of a zombie to make any good decisions.

Alone

I know that this has been a recurring theme but this is different.
I have recently found my self alone for the first time in my life. I have never lived by myself before - at first I was enjoying it - a new experience. I still do enjoy it for the most part, I can do whatever I want whenever I want. For some reason though at night, when I realize that most of the people I know are sleeping, getting ready for the day ahead, I find myself feeling very alone.
The thoughts in my head start to go alittle crazy, thinking and dreaming and wondering. I  just start  pondering the way that I look at life and how others look at me and - well - the way the world works.
Life is  weird though, I have found some of the best people in the oddest places, people who I have known for a long time but never realized how much we had in common until we realized that we are both insomniacs, so I guess that not sleeping for a while has actually been a good thing for me. Its funny how sometimes you have to stop looking to find whats real.
Friendship is the best thing you can give anyone or receive from someone. More then once this year I have found people that I thought were in my past but seem to be more of my future then I realized.
I cherish my friends and I only wish I had more to give.

I will get where I am supposed to go - I am alone but I am not - that is my life lesson through all this.