Time

Well another month has gone by - this is alittle upsetting to me, but I will get there sooner or later - maybe "all in good time" should be the basis for my life right now. Nothing seems to go exactly the way I planned, but does it ever really, for anyone?
Life is like this whirlwind of thoughts and actions and people and things. I think,  sometimes we need to just let somethings just go past us and hope that it was for the best. Its when we get caught up in the windstorm that is our lives that we tend to miss the simple things, like just spending time with the ones we love or the joy of a good book or just looking around to take in nature. We all like to say "stop and smell the roses" but how many of us actually do? The only time we even think to stop and look around is when we are so overwhelmed by life that we have no choice

Time is the only force in the universe that only goes in one direction - we should think about that - its also one of  the only things we can never get back once it is wasted. That half hour that I spent being mad about something that  happened last week - wasted time I can never get back.  I try to be conscious of how much time I spend  being mad or upset, as this is not a productive use of my time - it is hard, but I try, I would rather try to spend my time making decisions that will get  me to a better place in my life. This is my hope at least, to use my time wisely - it obviously doesn't always work, but I keep trying.

Making other peoples lives better is always a good thing, helping others, in turn helps us, it makes us feel better about ourselves - and the better we feel, the more naturally relaxed we are. Well that's my theory at least.

Presentation

Well another week has come and gone, this would normally be disconcerting for me, but I a starting to think that good things are coming.  I hope that this is not just a delusion that I am feeding myself, but if it is and  it makes me feel better why not?
I have been more then impressed with the way people have reacted to me lately - I am hoping that this is a sign that I am presenting my self better.
Its like the chicken or the egg - do people react to the way you carry yourself or do you carry yourself the way people react to you? I would like to think that we can look at ourselves in the mirror and present ourselves the way we want  and have people react however they are going to and have it not bother us one way or another, but this is alittle naive, no matter how much we try - we do care about how other people see us  - my hope is that you care more about what you see in the mirror  then what everyone else sees when they look at you.
No matter how hard we try, the way we feel about ourselves shows in the way that we hold ourselves. Some people may call it aura, it may be spiritual, I don't know.  I do know that if you feel good about yourself, people see this and treat you with more respect,  they realize that you respect yourself and that you are capable of independent thoughts.

The way I see it - its a balancing act - be aware of how you present yourself but not so much that you forget who you are. I will try to take my own advice on this one - not sure it will work - but life is trial and error.

Decisions

Well I seem to be coming to my senses - thanking everyone who let me know I wasn't actually alone.

The fact that I just get in this really bad funk sometimes, just proves to me that we all need other people and I have been living my life thinking that I didn't.  I seem to feel, most of the time, that I am an island and this has worked for me for a while until - well now actually. I have had to reevaluate my life and take stock of what is important and do some serious soul searching and have actually learned alot about myself and how  I think people react to me and the way that I present myself.

I do believe that things happen at certain times in our lives to make us step back and look at where we are and if we are on the path to where we want to be. Every decision we make, every time we make no decision makes a difference on our path.
I have been less then enthusiastic about making life decisions while I am in this state of loneliness, but I have now decided that maybe this is the best time to change things and just have faith that I am doing the right thing. I plan on doing some reflecting and meditating on some things that require my attention - the rest I am going to just have faith that I am doing the right things for the right reasons.

So for now wish me luck 

Feelings

      Well this day has been pretty much the same as all the other ones that I have had recently - they are all starting to run together. Until now I have kept this blog pretty general and impersonal but toady I cant help but write about my life and how bad I am feeling lately.
I do not know how to describe the way that I feel other than to say I am very alone, and most of the time this is ok with me, I was even starting to enjoy it - not having to deal with anyone else telling me or asking me for anything, but somewhere along the line I have gotten lonely and I am not sure when or why that happened because I have always been pretty independent and hard to be around so this is a new feeling for me and I am truly confused by it.  The fact that I am also unemployed is a huge issue because not only am I alone but I am pretty bored most of the time - aside from the voices in my head I have no one to even bounce ideas off of to think outside the box about income or opportunities.
I need something to keep my head in the right place and moving forward, but right now and for the past little while I have felt very stagnant and to speak the truth overwhelmed by my situation .  I haven't slept very well and hence haven't been able to think very clearly during the day.  This has never been that big of a deal usually - I have had some sort of insomnia most of my life and have always been able to deal with it with out any manic episodes, but recently the days have been harder to get through and the nights are just - well days with no sunlight.
I never really do this - put myself out here all raw and with out my walls up - so I hope that no one takes offense to the fact that I am doing it publicly instead of going to someone in confidence - I wasn't sure who to turn to - as I said I am feeling very alone and not sure that feeling isn't just reality slapping me in the face.

Well that is enough of that - I never am like this - only a few people have seen me cry and those were very unusual circumstances - I never cry - its a sign of weakness I was once told and I guess it struck. I do find myself crying alone alot at home these days and I am not sure what to do about that.

People

What can be said about a persons life by the people that are in it or chose not to be?
The people that chose to be in our lives only for a short time say more about us then the people who stick around for the duration. Sometimes, the people who are always there are just there because they feel obligated or are just used to us and wouldn't know how to not be around us anymore - the people who get to know us and then choose to leave are more intriguing.  This is not to say that the people who chose to stay in our lives didn't make a conscious decision, they are the ones we need by our sides to get through our daily struggles and I wouldn't be here today if they did not stick by me. I just think that - well - sometimes don't you just wonder what people think of you? Years after they meet and disregard you, do you think they ever look back and ask them selves if they should have gotten to know you better?

I mean as I sit here and ponder all the people who have come in and out of my life - I wonder how many of them I pushed away or left just because I wasn't worth the effort.
For some there was no choice - God took them from me for some reason or another,  this intrigues me, they must have served their purpose and been here for a reason but I can help to think that they would have left too if they were not taken.
The fact that I am thinking of these people who are not here anymore is just proof that the people who stuck around and decided that I was worth something are more important to me than ever.

They say that laughter is the best medicine, but I am thinking that someone to make you laugh is more important than the laughter itself. Having people around you that just know what mood your in and how to make everything better is the best thing in the world.
So what happens when there is no one? 
Contentment is always good, but we get it confused with complacency and that is not good. There is always something better and more that we can strive for no matter how happy or content you are there is always more, more to do,  more to feel, more to love, more to be.

This is where we lose our way, we feel like this is all there is.

I hope and pray everyday that this is not all there is for me, there has to be more, more, more that I should be, more that I have yet to do, more that I need to accomplish.
I know that I was put on this earth for a good reason and that all the things that happen are part of a grand plan that I don't have be aware of, but this doesn't give me much solace in my plight to find my way through life or my purpose here.

I know that we are all looking for our place in the world and to know why we are here, and that my plight is not unique or even out of the ordinary. This actually gives me comfort, knowing that I am not alone - even when I am.
The loneliness gets to me sometimes, I am alone even when there are people next to me trying to help me.

Dispair

The thoughts of the day are always coming at me with great ambition in the middle of the night.  I wonder why that is? 
The thoughts of the day are behind this great wall all day long until I try to relax - is this just a sign of my mental strength to keep them at bay?  The fact that sleep evades me night after night is just a test of my mental fortitude. I must start dealing with these thoughts during the day while I have the capabilities to deal with or discard them from my mind, whatever the case may be.
These random thoughts that run through my brain must be actual issues that I need to deal with.

Some of the things that are going on in the world today just make me want to cry out and do something, but I am so paralyzed by my own life that I cant even get angry enough to talk to anyone about what is so obviously a huge problem with the world. This just perpetuates my thoughts into a cycle that I have yet to figure out how the break. 

I mean it is almost more then I can take at some moments I feel as if the whole world is falling apart around me and there is nothing I can do about it, as I watch everything that is good and right just fall apart - I am so completely overwhelmed by what is going on that I am not able to do anything about it.

I am hoping that someday I can overcome this feeling of dispair that I feel. 

appreciation

I have always thought of myself as appreciative - but sometimes people dont recognize this sincerely.  The fact that you just say "thank you" sometimes is not enough, you need to make sure people understand that you are truly grateful for them and how they have touched your life.
People often do not stop to even think about where they would be if they had never met the people they know or even just met briefly,  I think this is a shame and I am writing this to make sure that everyone I have ever met knows how much I truly appreciate and am grateful for the fact that they have touched my life in whatever way they have.
The people in our lives are our most valuable asset we can ever have.
I think maybe we ( I ) take that for granted. So often we are so busy with our day to day lives that we get distracted and annoyed so easily. 
I have been blessed by many people who have come and gone through my life - even the people that are not around anymore by my choice or theirs, or by God's hand.  They touched my life and I wouldn't be right here right now without them, and this is where I am supposed to be.

So this is "thank you" to all the people I have ever met - I appreciate you and how you have touched my life

friendship

The reason why it is so hard to ask for help is because ( I have established ) no matter how much you trust or think the person you are asking is just good hearted - they can always come back and throw the fact that you needed help back at you if the mood strikes them. Sometimes even when you don't ask and you think your friends are just being nice, which is why they are your friends to begin with, something happens to make them want to hurt you. Whether it is your fault or not no amount of apologies is going to be enough to make that feeling of betrayal go away.

How do the words "I love you"" turn into " how can I hurt you" so fast?  The things you tell your friends are things you wouldn't tell anyone else - this is what makes them your friends. The premise of a friendship should be trust and that should mean that even if the relationship changes or fades away - you can trust them with your inner most thoughts and secrets.

The end of any relationship is always sad and maybe it does hurt - but is that a reason to betray what the friendship once meant?

Well people are people - choose your Friends wisely and always guard your heart is the only advice  I can think of to make life better - but I will not take my own advice because that is no way to live. No one can find love or friendship if they have their heart locked away.

anticipation

There is something about waiting and anticipating that is just so unnerving.  The fact that we wait for everything that is worth it in life says something about the way we handle things in everyday life - the more patience we have the calmer we are. Every once in awhile though the waiting and hoping and praying just  gets to be too much and we feel the need to act on our instincts, this is not good or bad, depending on what those primal urges are telling us to do. The only thing we can control in these situations is our actions. This is a testament to our character - if we do the right thing and just be the good person we know we were meant to be - or if we just go after the first thing that we see as attractive or profitable with out any regard for the long term implications.

Asking for help is possibly one of the hardest things to do - but a friend of mine told me "everyone needs help sometimes". This is true, but that doesn't make it easier now does it??  I have always been kind of an island - at least that's what my family tells me. I have always tried to help people where I can, but never saw my self as "needed" but I guess sometimes everyone is, this is just a scary thought - I have always seen myself as the helper, not the helped.

I have opinions and views that are not welcomed by some people but does that make them less worthy of being voiced?

People -

I don't know sometimes what the hell people are thinking - but do I have to know?  I mean if what someone else is doing or saying isn't directly impacting my life does it really matter to me either way?
The fact that I even think about it means it has some impact doesn't it?

Its funny how the people we care for the most are the ones who get on our nerves the most as well.  The people we trust the most are the ones who are most likely to betray or hurt us - because we let them in and don't expect it.  The people we are cautious of cant hurt us because we don't let them.
We put up these walls to keep people out and to prevent us from getting hurt but they also keep out the joy and happiness that comes from trusting and loving someone so fully that the thought never occurs to us that they may hurt us because the pure happiness of being with them outweighs any  feeling of doubt that may be there.

The relationships we build through our lives are the hardest things to keep and grow . 

complicated

There are so many things in this world that are complicated like : war, the economy, the social structure of our culture, and many others that I have no idea about, so why do we continue to try to make the simple things way more complicated than they are?  Family, friends, and any other people we love are the simplest things in our lives, yet the relationships we have with these people are the most complicated?
I mean our emotions are not as complex as we think they are - we either love or don't, laugh or cry, help or hinder, feel or don't, these are pretty simple things that we have this almost obsession with making way more complicated then they are. That's not to say that they are easy, just not complicated. The heart wants what the heart wants whether it is good for us or not.
I mean really the world is in such a big mess right now and I believe that a big part of that is that we strive to find solutions to simple problems without logic or reason.
Sometimes in our everyday lives we see it - some people just cannot be reasoned with, how many times do we bang our heads against a wall before the headache gets so bad we feel the need for a better way?

I do understand that most people are just trying to get through the day without tragedy, which in today's day and age is tough enough, but when someone in authority tells us something that just defies logic we should say something to someone and ask questions.

early randon thoughts

                  There are a number of ways to get through life -
One is to try to be as good a person as you can - some people think this is boring - I think it has its advantages - like feeling good about yourself helping people always makes you feel good no matter what.
Another way is to just not care about anything else just think about yourself and no one else - this is called narcissism to think that your actions do not effect other people.
One more way is to just kinda glide through life not really getting anywhere just getting by and thinking this is all there is
The path  I like to think of myself as on is  - always trying to be better then you are, always growing and learning and making things better -
This is not all there is, there are limitless opportunities for us to just go after and attain.
This is not to say that I do not vary from this path (alot)  because it is the hardest path to stay on but I try, and hope that my efforts are not in vain.
The way we live our lives says something about who we are and who we want to be - the journey we are on is not supposed to be easy or even what we want,  but the meaning we are all trying so desperately to figure out is somewhere along our path. Sometimes we can see it but most times we are too caught up in our day to day crap that it is right in front of us and we can see it.
I have seen myself on all these paths - this the only one girls take on life and I admittedly have no clue 

Any path we choose is ours and we are on it for a reason

A good friend of mine told me this today and it kinda resonated with me:

can't let a roadmap get in the way of destiny

Life

Life is kinda funny -  just when you think that everything has gone wrong or the wrong way - something happens or you hear from an old friend who reminds you that it could be worse or that you are on the right track. That, I believe is fate telling you to just keep going even if you think its the wrong direction there is something on this road that you need to see or experience in order to be on the right path.

I am not sure if my life is going to be what I want it  to be, but I am sure it will be good,  the more I strive for the life I want, the more energy I have to do the things that need to be done to make my life the way it is supposed to be.
Life is a constant struggle. The struggle is what makes life worth living - think about it - if everything was just handed to us it would have no value - we take pride in the things we earn ourselves - that's what makes life worth living, that and our friends and family. That is what is really important - the people -  we strive to make people proud - our mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins and lastly ourselves.

This is the journey we are all on struggling for peace in our hearts and our minds.

More random thoughts

The state of the world freaks me out sometimes - I mean there are problems everywhere you look - near and far. I just dont get how the whole planet hasnt erupted into complete chaos - including our everyday lives.
The fact that everyone is so caught up just trying to get by in this crazy world to even stop and take a look at the mess that it has become - I am seriously frightened for our children and their children who are going to figure out this mess and try to clean it up - I pray for them.

Didnt really mean to get so deep but I just freak out sometimes. I think maybe we all just get too caught up in the problems of the day that we dont see the big picture.
This may very well be my minds way of distracting me from my problems of the day - my life is kind of a mess right now and it helps to think that the world is just falling apart and that I am just part of a grand scheme that no one really know about or really cares to know -  
No one knows whats gonna happen next,  so we all keep plugging through hoping and praying for the our next  big break at happiness.

random nightime thoughts

Just in case I didnt mention before I am also an insomniac. I have so many things going on in my head that I cant seem to shut it off to get any rest.
The whole world goes around and around and we just stay in one place, trying to survive and get through with out being hurt or having hurt someone else - it doesnt always work - check that - it never works, someone always gets hurt.
This is my way of venting and telling people how I have messed up and recovered ( if thats what you can call it) from the past mistakes  that have been made - dont get me wrong - I have no regrets - everything happens for a reason - just wish everything wasnt so damned painful.

My life in a nut shell - kinda

This is my attempt to get myself out of a serious funk I am in - getting out there - people tell me is the best thing to do when your in a rut -

I have been out of work now for 6months - sucks - but I  am still aggressively searching - not all that easy in todays economy  but I gotta get out of  the debt I racked up during this period.

I love my family and freinds very much and am willing to do anything for anyone who needs help this is not supposed to be a flaw, but more often than not it is.
I am always willing to help anyone anytime anywhere - most of my freinds know this and it is great to be needed.

I am also trying to figure out the secret to happiness, why does one persons happiness often come at anothers expense?
Some day I am hoping to make the people around me happy - along with my self - most of the time it is an either or kinda thing. I dont think it should be.

well for the beginning - thats a good start -

I am always open for advice - giving or getting - please feel free -


deb