Almost

How come I can always almost get happiness?

I have such a mess of a life I just want one thing that makes me happy to last for more then a minute.  I mean there are things like spending time with my son and seeing my niece and nephew but these are such fleeting events that I am always left with an empty feeling.

This life that I have is not made for anyone to be involved in even if I would like a partner - I can not have one, it would not be fair to them to ask them to help a drowning girl with no benefit for them.  Even my family can not help me they have no idea what I am going through - they try and I do appreciate it but they have no clue about the inner struggles I have been through in my life.

I am so different in my thoughts to all the people that I know that it is hard for me to make connections, I am not sure if that is my fault or not, I am sure that it is mostly because I refuse to let people into my thoughts - they are the only thing that are completely mine and they do not need to be shared.

No one is capable of interpreting my mind and therefore it stays locked inside me for the rest of my so-called life.

Merry Christmas

I hope that every one's holiday was filled with joy


 Well the holiday is over and it wasn't that bad - I just wish that I could have done more for my family and went to see more people.  My second mother and her family had a tragedy and I wasn't there for them - I am a little upset with my self for that. 

I love giving gifts to my family and friends to show how much I appreciation them and to show how much they mean to me - this year they have all done the most for me and I wasn't able to show them how much that meant to me, this was very upsetting to me.

I don't know how to fix this. 

I do know that this year was not the happiest year for me and I am hoping that the coming new year will bring new beginnings and I will be able to show my family and friends how much they mean to me.

I wish there was a way for me to just explain to everyone what is going on - I have never been all that good at letting people in and telling them how I feel or what is going on with me especially when it is embarrassing or that I am ashamed of the situation that I am in, I don't want anyone to know how bad it really is - this is my problem that I must figure out on my own and it is just not fair to drag anyone else into this gigantic mess that I have created for my self.

Well that is enough of that - I am going to make the next year better for me and my family

I hope every ones new year is filled with joy and happiness 

No one

No one really knows me - is that my fault?

I am sure that it is at least partly my fault,  I do have alot of walls built up, but they came from somewhere, there had to be a reason they were put up. The fact that they have not always been there means there should be someone who knew me before they were there.

I know my self better then people give me credit for  I have done much soul searching in my life and have learned a great deal about myself and how others perceive me and how I see others. I may not see people for who they are sometimes and I do trust too much but not out of naivety, this is out of my complete faith that most people are good at their core. If I happen to run into a few that are not, that is fine as long as the good out weigh the bad.

It just bothers me that even the people who claim to care about me and be my friends do not take the time to see me for what I am.

I am a normal (somewhat) person who tries to do the right thing, and I hope that most of the time I do, but no one is perfect or without sin.

I am not qualified to judge anyone else and would hope that no one would judge me, especially on mistakes that I have made or decisions that I have made in the past, present or future. I try very hard to follow my heart - although it isn't always clear if that is a good decision either.

All I have left to do is pray and hope that I am going to be alright in my faith and that God will not let me fall any farther then I already have.

I have nothing left except my faith.

A mess

Today I am a mess and am not too sure why.

I have this terrible nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach, it is obviously trying to tell me something but I am not sure what, which is odd because I am usually pretty in tune with my emotions and whats going on inside myself.

I know that I am running out of time to get everything done I wanted to get done by the end of this God-forsaken year - but this cannot be the reason for this wrenching feeling that I am having right now. I have been in worse situations then this before and pulled myself out at the last minute that is how I am. I work best  when under pressure - maybe there has not been enough pressure till now? I don't know.
I am sure there is something looming but I just don't know what it is and that is making me feel more uncomfortable. I am hoping that I can get something accomplished in the next few days and that will make me feel better.

I don't understand this feeling cause I finally decided to simplify my life and made what I think are good decisions and move myself forward - where these bad decisions?

Me

Okay so today I am feeling a little bit of the holiday blues - at least I hope that is what it is.

I have taken stock of my life the past few days and well it is kind of a disappointment - I have nothing to say that I have accomplished anything in my life - well failures but other then that there is nothing to speak of but death and misery really - I cant remember the last time I actually felt happy or anything except despair or overcome with responsibility. I don't know why, really, there are things that make me happy - spending time with my son and what friends I have left, etc. but for some reason even when I am feeling like I want to be happy in the moment I just cant seem to shake the feeling that the next moment is going to be tragic. 

I am sorry for making this particular blogg so dark but people say write about what you know and well this is what I know right now - I am hoping that I get my life together at some point and can start writing about how great things are and how I can help anyone who needs help - but for now this is it

My life is my responsibility and I will handle it the best way I know how,  I am just hoping that God will be on my side even though I may not deserve it. I really could use some help at this point and  dont know where else to turn- this is where I should have started and just trusted that things happen for a reason and that there is a plan for me.

I dont know

I am feeling the need to write today.
I don't know what I am going to write yet, but I figured I would just let my fingers just go and hope something comes out. 

I am feeling very complacent today, the weather maybe has something to do with it, but I am feeling more and more like I just want the world to go away and leave me alone. Not sad or anything like that, just well, I don't know, I just don't feel like being around people, which is odd for me this time of year usually I am very social wanting to spread holiday cheer and all. I have my own holiday cheer and am feeling ok about the holidays - just don't know how I am gonna pull it off this year with no money and very limited resources at my disposal, but that is just normal holiday stress that everyone goes through.

This is the first year in a long time that I am alone and it is different but not really all that scary anymore I made it this far and I will make it the rest of my life if I have to. I have given up on the whole fantasy of a white knight coming to rescue me and  living happily ever after - we make our own destiny and I have to just get on my own horse and ride off to it on my own.

Revelations

As I sit here with only my thoughts to keep me company I am pondering my life and thinking about why I am here.

I would relish some guidance or a partner, maybe even some divine intervention, to let me know that I am on the right path or any path at all for that matter. I just feel like no matter what I do I cant seem to move forward. I want to move, but I am so overwhelmed by the complete madness of this world and all the things I could be doing or want to do that I fail to make any meaningful movements at all.

I have  had some revelations as of late about myself and this is a good thing - to know myself  - but  aside from making me feel good, this is not helping my immediate situation. I must figure out a way out of this situation for my own good, as well as my son's well-being. He needs to know that his mom is not a failure at life and that life is worth all the effort that you put into it and that in this country you can be or do anything that you are willing to work for.

Spiritually I am very strong in my beliefs, but applying those beliefs into something that will help me in my current situation has eluded me thus far.

Today

Today I was on the beach watching the surf, and I realized that that was as close as I was ever gonna get to God. The picture that I saw with my eye was more beautiful then anything anyone could ever come up with.

The beach always makes me sad and solemn. I am not sure why, and it doesn't matter, when I am out there watching the tides come in and out nothing else matters, for a brief time all is right with the world. Everything just disappears at least for that fleeting moment. 

When I am out there watching the water I feel better and then I cry, something about no one and nothing to judge me or care about why I am crying or anything that I may or may not have done in the past. Nothing matters but the phases of the moon and the unrelenting tide and whatever it washes in or out with it.

Today was my fathers birthday and the only place that I can still feel him next to me is the beach.

Inspired

I have been very inspired lately - I don't know what it is - maybe the change in the seasons, or the holidays that are fastly approaching, it doesn't matter.

I am feeling much more independent. I am starting to feel like I can get through this mess that I call a life. I am hoping that this feeling continues to push me in the right direction. I feel like I am kinda just gliding along on the forward motion of wind, but I will take it at this point. I have been stagnant for too long and have depended on other people to help much more then I ever have, and I fee like I can finally move forward on my own - or with less help at least.  

I have learned alot and hope that I can apply what I have learned to keep this forward momentum going at least into the next year.

Next year is my year to shine and prosper I can feel it. Maybe I needed this time to reevaluate my life and find my new direction.

This holiday season is gonna be tough - seeing how I don't have a job or any real income but if I can keep myself going in a positive direction I feel that it will all work out in the end and I will be a better person.

What?

Ok so the year is almost over and I am worse off now then I was last year ago. I had a husband and a job a year ago.

I am not saying that it wont get better, but well this has been a crappy year so I am hoping that by the time the next one comes I am at least moving in the right direction. My attitude has changed a great deal, some for the best, some for the worst. 

I just feel so conflicted about almost everything nowadays.
I mean I am lonely but don't want to be near people. I am comfortable but displaced. I have been lazy and anxious at the same time. I am tired but cant sleep. I feel tired but restless. I feel faithful but adulterous, this is particularly odd since I am never unfaithful.

Well just felt like writing how I felt - it is supposed to make me feel better, and it does most of the time. Sometimes to see my emotions flowing onto the page is therapeutic, but other times it is just annoying to have my state of mind filling the blank page.

Today was a good day, even though I got nothing done. I did do some thinking about where I want to go and what I have to do to get there. It wont be easy, but is it supposed to be??

Heres the deal

Well I have finished my first semester of college online. I didn't do as well as I would have liked to - life got in the way. I will prevent this from happening in the future.

I have actually learned alot - well more like established what I already knew - my biggest issue is self esteem.
I took psychology  - this is a subject that I love but I didn't do all that well in because I just took for granted that I had the time to deal with everything else and then work on my classwork. I was wrong. This will not happen again, I am going to put my life in order and get my degree and make a better life for myself and my son. This is my first priority and nothing is gonna come before this as my goal.

I have also figured out that relationships are necessary - I didn't think they were that I could go through life without any other human connections.I was wrong again.
So from now on I am going to be a better person by nurturing and developing better relationships. This is going to begin in my classrooms for the next term, I plan on getting to know and connect with other people that are in a similar position as me and maybe we can help each other.

So for what its worth I have "turned over a new leaf"  in my life and plan on getting over myself and making it better. 

Wondering

I haven't written in a while I have been busy with school and looking for a job and figuring out how to keep my house, get a car and get on with my life.

I have been wondering though - and maybe someone else has the same thoughts, I always like to think about the afterlife, I mean, you know heaven, beautiful and glorious with no bad will or impure thoughts and all that, I believe - but what about relationships? Like did my dad get to meet my husband and  do they like each other? Is my brother finally getting to play ball with his dad?  Are all the people that I have known getting to meet each other and talk about me? I know this sounds alittle egocentric but we always say or think that our loved ones are looking down on us, I was just wondering if they meet, and if so how would they get along.

I mean think about it, did my grandparents get to meet my husbands parents, and if so, they must have a great deal to talk about.  I always wonder if my dad got to meet any of his idles and want to sit and have laughs about the old days. My dad would be sitting around talking to Bobby Hatfield and trying to sing the songs and his father would be laughing at him cause he cant sing and my brother would be trying to get the tune right even though he never heard it. 

I imagine that my father and my brother and my husband are great friends and are sitting around talking and hoping that I make something of myself at some point. I wish to make them proud so that when I get to see them again that they will welcome me back into their lives and love me once again.

A whole new idea

This is where I would usually say how I feel and maybe cry alittle or something like that.
Not today I want to expand on why those feelings are so over whelming and crippling to me. I am not sure why, but it seems to me that the the later it gets without any progress in my situation that the feelings get better, why is that do you suppose?

Every time I make progress in one area of my life, another one seems to go backwards. I am not sure if this is self sabotage or a self-fulfilling prophecy, but I would like to know why most people dont have a problem balancing the different aspects of their lives, at least not to the point of debilitation. I think that I need to step back and really reexamine my life and either simplify or simply cut out parts that are not needed - at least right now.

My family - the best thing and the worst thing - most of the time I can count on them - but sometimes I wonder,  that is my insecurity. Friends - men in particular are an issue for me. I have only 2 modes: all in or all out - thats no way to be - there is no middle ground and this is why  I get hurt so much I fall in love way too easy and dont think at all. This is just part of my personality - I really am a romantic a heart  I always think that if some one loves me - they could never hurt me, this is just no true, those are the people who can hurt you the most. There is nothing that can be done about it though - it is just the way it is, I expect to be hurt a million more times before I find some one who will not hurt me.

All I can do is get my life together and get it on the right track and hope that the pain is worth it in the end, which I expect it will be. I do not worry that much anymore about being hurt, if it happens, I will survive just like all the times before.

It doesnt matter

I love all my friends and family - even when they do me wrong.  Most people who know me know that I am a giver and can never say no if someone needs something that I have. What some people don't know is that even if I don't have what  some one else needs, I will find it to give to them - even if it means my own sacrifice.

Its funny because I cant seem to figure out how to get what I need, but if some one asks me for something, I can find it no problem.

Some one once said "forgive and forget" that is what I do - to a fault of my own.

It doesn't matter. I just don't want to lose any one in my life because they think that I am going to be mad at them because I am not. I am very used to having not enough to get by so that other people have enough, maybe that is how it is supposed to be, I don't know, all I do know is that life is too short to be miserable or unhappy with the people you love. 

Why?

Why do I continue to fuck up my life?? Is it self-sabotage?
Why do I always depend on people who continue to disappoint me? Is it the reason I am here? I am supposed to expose these people for others to be aware?

I don't understand why I just keep letting people tell me what I want to hear, and get excited that something good is finally going to happen, just to  get what little is left of my heart broken time and time again.

I am getting mixed signs even from my own psyche, I am willing to admit that I cant do everything all by myself. Then I wonder who it is that is supposed to help me? Every time I trust someone enough to let them in I just get disappointed and hurt. I usually end up in a worse place then when I started.

How many times am I supposed to fall flat on my face before I either figure out whats wrong with me or why it happened, so it doesn't happen again. Aren't we supposed to learn from our mistakes?

Success

Ok maybe its the cold or virus or whatever is clogging up my chest and sinus',  but I have a sinking feeling deep in my heart that all this work that I am doing is going to be in vain.

Sometimes no matter how much you want or think you deserve something - you still shouldn't have it.

It doesn't matter how great your life is or how successful you are or how many trophies, plaques, certificates or degrees you have - it all means nothing if you don't have someone to share your successes with. I know that our accomplishments are our own and we should be proud of them and ourselves for the success, but all these things are not going to keep us warm at night or make us feel better when we are down.

People take for granted the relationships in their lives - I mean think about it : whenever something good happens what is the first thing you want to do?  You can not wait to tell someone - usually the most important person in your life. Even when something bad happens, you cant wait to get advice or counsel from someone important to you.

I understand that their are people who are happy being by themselves, and I wish that I was strong enough to be that type of person. I just cant imagine the rest of my life like this - no one to turn to or to be there for if they need me.

The only thing drowning out the loneliness of my heart is the sound of the rain against my window. The only thing  more lonely is the rain falling all around and being absorbed into the ground to become one with the earth.

I take solace that this is not the end of the line for me but a new beginning, I have accepted the fact that I may need to be alone or awhile. This does not make me sad but brings me a whole new outlook, I am meant to take this time to reflect and make good independent decisions. My role in life must be reevaluated and I must move forward and make the best of my self reliance.

I will make new connections and better choices as to my life and goals that I want to accomplish. I have already started this process and it is obviously working because I am not afraid of the future and being alone.

On a more personal note, this is not to say that I would not take advantage of any opportunities that should arise  - some regular sex would be  kinda  nice - but I am not gonna push that one right now - lmao

Love, lust, relationships - just my thoughts

Here we go my thoughts are kinda out there today.  I have been thinking alot about relationships and how we are supposed to survive and not go insane. The very thought of a relationship right now is terrifying, but you cant really fight things that fall into your lap and make you happy.

I think people get lust confused with love very often, and this is a bad thing because it ends up hurting both people in the end no matter who is the one that is confused. Love is whole other plane of existence, its something that no one can define but everybody tries. I am starting to think that it is going to elude me for the rest of my life, but I am actually ok with that, at least for now. Yes I still get lonely sometimes but if that's how it has to be for now then that's how it will be.

I am actually one of the few people who does not get confused very easily. I can separate the physical from the emotional.  This gives me a small advantage over some people who might want to hurt me. It also makes me seem a little cold, but well, if that's what it takes to keep my self sane then they will have to deal.

I think love is something that you need to earn and I just haven't yet. Maybe I never will but that's ok I am going to be ok - alone or part of a unit.

The other side

Well, here it is 4am again and my brain is going 1,000 miles an hour. Well part of the reason for that is good, I have alot of things going on, some good and some bad but all going on at the same time.

The fact that I am awake and writing and it is not about me being lonely or abandoned so that's a good thing. The fact still remains that no matter what is going on I cant sleep at night. I have got to figure out how to turn my mind off. I am worried that I am not going to have the strength or energy to get through all this crap. I have some serious decisions to make and some rough times ahead of me to get where I am going. I will not be able to do this if I cant figure out how to get some sleep.

I have tried everything : meditation, homeopathic remedies, narcotics, alcohol, music, white noise, nothing works. I am hoping that once I get a couple steps in the right direction and I can see the road ahead is a good one that this will break, but  until then I will be awake, but that's ok I think I am getting used to not sleeping I have been getting things done in the middle of the night, I mean when else would I write or think without interruptions.

So that's my deal for now and for a while I believe. I started going to college online and have found some challenges along that path and will continue to try to put my life together.

Well here we are a Wednesday night just sitting here - thinking - too much I must say.  I should be doing school work or dishes or sleeping but instead I am sitting here just pondering the wreck of my life. I was hoping that I would be feeling better about myself alittle, I have been making some moves in the right direction, but well the progress is slow I guess. I will not get discouraged yet.

I was just wondering why the different parts of my life cant work together. I mean when I feel good about one part of my life, the rest feels like it is falling apart.  I don't know how to balance everything, and I don't understand why. I don't have half as much stuff going on as some people and they seem to keep it together. Why cant  I figure out how to get out of this mess? What is wrong with me?

I have never felt like this before. I have always been able to take care of myself no matter what happened. What is it that sent me into this tailspin? It doesn't matter how I got here, but I must figure out how to get out and back to a place where I feel like myself again.

I am sorry I don't mean for this to end up being a whine fest -

Complacency

Contentment is great. I think that if we feel good with what we have and are satisfied with the way our life is going that it is a good thing. How many people can say they are?

I think that we are meant to never be complacent, to always strive to be better then we are. Isn't the point of life to see how far we can get and much we can do, isn't this what makes us  get up in the morning? I mean I know we wake up with many other things on our minds : kids, work, bills, and how we are going to get it all done in a mere 24 hours, but have you ever stopped to think why? Why do we do it? Why get up and go to work to pay the bills and take care of our family?

I think and hope that we do it because we are striving to make life better for our children, for our parents, for our spouses and especially for ourselves. We all want our children to have more and better opportunities then we had growing up. Making our kids lives better is in turn making our lives more satisfying. Helping our parents out also makes our lives be more fulfilling.

I have a faith in humanity that some would say is naive, but I believe that at our core most people are good and want to do the right things in life. Life just has a tendency to get away from us sometimes and once we fall off the path it is very difficult to get back to the way we were before life kicked our ass.

Well this is just the way that I think so take it for what it is worth - one girls opinion.

I am hoping to live up to my own expectations and try to make my own life better for my family and for my own good.

Recurrance of nightfall

Well here we go again - the way I felt during the day is changing to the way I always feel when the night falls. The feeling in my chest that tells me I am always going to find myself alone dealing with my own feelings and having no revelations on how to put my life back together is overwhelming.

I know now that this feeling is temporary but it doesnt make it hurt any less as I sit here and contemplate my life, starring up at the ceiling trying to sleep.

During the day - well most days - I am fully capable of thinking that if I just do the things that I planned I will be moving in the right direction, but at night all the doubts and worries of the next day and if the things I am doing are right come flooding into my brain like Niagara Falls. I do not know how to stop this from happening every night.

I should call this the Bipolar Blogg - I always try to start with something good and positive, but the longer I think and focus the darker my thoughts get.  Maybe it is the thought of being alone for the rest of my life that frightens me so much. I have never actually thought of my self as needing a partner, but it seems to me  that the dark abyss of my life would have some light to it if there were some one here to share it with me. I dont know that I would even let anyone in at this point anyway, who deserves to be dragged into this mess?

Darkness

As I sit alone in the quietness of this enclave that I have made for myself, nothing to keep me company but my thoughts, I begin to wonder why?  Why am I being tested to the end of my sanity?  Why am I here?  How did I get here?  Am I making the same mistakes I have always made?  Do I have what it takes to get out of his mess?  Do I have the strength and perseverance to fix this mess? Should I even try?
I don't have any of the answers, just a million questions running around in my head keeping me from making any decisions at all. I am so over whelmed, I cant even think.

The worst part is that 3 years ago I would have been grateful to have this much time to myself - now that I have it I cant figure anything out. The emptiness that is my life right now is almost too much to bear, I feel as though I could just disappear and it wouldn't matter, to anyone. I have spent the entire day avoiding people, I wanted to be alone, but as soon as the darkness came I got this sinking feeling deep in my chest that just keeps getting worse, every night the same feeling. The more nights that go by the worse the feeling gets. I don't know know how much worse it can get before I have to do something to alleviate the pain.

I want my family back. I want my Dad to look at me and tell me that I am letting life kick my ass. I want my husband to tell me that I am being ridiculous. I would love for my son to come home and tell me that he loves me and wants to come home.

This is the part of my life that I don't understand, every time I actually listen to someone tell me something - they get taken away. Whether by God or their own freewill it doesn't matter. They are still not here to help me like they told me they would be. I would sacrifice all that I am and ever will be to have one person here for me now that understands what I am saying and wants to just be there for me.

Being alone in the daylight is sometimes a blessing, to get my thoughts together and make decisions for the future, but being alone at night is like torture, when all the worries of the world seem to flood my brain and render me incapable of rational thought.

Narative - fictional story - kinda

As I sit alone, facing the world tomorrow doesn't seem so bad. The days to come are not looking as gloomy as they are filled with hope. The days of my life that are lonely and filled with angst seem to be so far away that I don't even remember them too much anymore. The whole world will soon be filled with my brazen love for life. The world I once knew as lonely and forsaken has taken on a whole new meaning in my eyes, the way that has been, will never be again. The way that love has treated me will no longer rule my life and prevent me from doing things that I once loved to do. There is new day ahead filled with bright sunshine and endless possibilities and opportunities. The world has never seen the likes of a person like me and it may never again, so I must leave my mark in as many places as I possibly can while I am still here. I have given up too much to just sit on the sidelines and watch the world and my life just pass me by, its my time and I will make it the best time for all the world to see. This a new horizon for me and for all the people who I like to call my friends.

The part of this story that is true - is that this is the way that I would like to believe that I feel. Yet I do not, as I sit here alone on this Friday night thinking about facing the world tomorrow, and hoping and praying for some relief of this terrible feeling that I have deep in my soul, I fear there is none - just anxiety and stress and more worries. There is no one coming to rescue me or even to be here with me to help me deal with this mess that I have made of my life. Not that anyone should come I have made this mess and I need to figure out how to get out of it on my own, but it would be nice to just have some one that I can talk to honestly and be ok feeling vulnerable around that wouldn't judge me or tell me what to do - just listen and make me feel like its all gonna be ok. 

I love you


deb

Recurring themes

Ok well this seems to be a recurring theme in my life so  I am gonna run with it -
Every time I feel good about what I am doing or the direction my life is headed - I get this sinking feeling in my chest. The thought of getting out of his mess that I have made of my life is so great and every time I think I see the light at the end of the tunnel or even just some semblance of maybe seeing any day light at all, my emotions just seem to run away with me.
I don't know why I cant make one move in the right direction without feeling like I am a complete failure and that it doesn't matter what I do - it will fail and land me farther away from my goal than I was before I made the move.
I dream of the life that I would like to have and I set goals to get me there, and every time I start to make decisions based on those goals, I find something that I didn't take into account or see that that step will actually be bad for me and my family. What should I do? 

How do you balance love into this messed up mix of crap? Does anyone else deserve to be brought into this mess? Every time some one comes into my life - they try to fix it, or rescue me from myself and that is not love it is a complex that ( I think) most men have, to rescue the damsel in distress, which I have never seen myself as being but I guess I do act like that sometimes - needy and vulnerable. This just proves to me that I am not as  tuned into how I present myself to people, as I think that I am. So I am thinking that I need to work on how I see myself, before I should go looking for someone else. Problem is I haven't been looking for anyone but someone has found me and thinks they are in love with me, but is this possible? I don't even know myself very well how could someone else know me well enough to think they are in love with me?

I think people fall in love with the idea of love. Having some one there all the time to take care of us and for us to take care of no matter what happens always be there for us. This is an ideal that I am not sure I believe in. The concept is great, but does it work in reality? I have never seen proof, I mean I know the way you feel when you think your in love and its great, but it doesn't last very long, its like walking around with rose-colored glasses on - at some point you have to snap into reality and get through life. Life is hard enough when all you have to do is worry about your own crap, how hard is it to have to consider yourself as you and part of a unit?

Love

Well the ideas and thoughts are swimming around in my head very fiercely today.

My emotions are all over the map - I wish I could get my heart and my head to agree on anything. Just when I have made a decision that seems rational and well thought out my heart tells me it is wrong, and vice versa - just when I give into my heart and decide that I should do something that makes me happy even for a few minutes - my head gets in the way.

Emotions are not supposed to be rational or make sense that is why we have a rational portion of our brain, but what happens when they are in complete opposition? I think maybe the two hemispheres of my brain are not working properly, they should at least be working on the same level, not one going in one direction while the other goes off in a completely different objective.

I am on the edge of getting something done for myself - this is a good thing so why do I feel so apprehensive? I hope it is just my fear of new challenges that is in overdrive because of my current situation and that I can work through it.

Love - does it really exist?  I am not sure - as I am not sure of alot of things right now. Maybe I am a romantic at heart but I really do believe that love conquers all and that if you have found it it will bring you the greatest joy you can ever feel. I believe that I have felt it before cannot be sure though since it was so short lived. I am not sure that I deserve to feel that kind of happiness. I feel that you need to earn happiness and I do not think that I have yet, well that's not true - I have already had my shot at happiness and blew it and well why should I get another chance to feel that way when there are so many others who deserve it and don't ever find it?

Well here we go again - trying to shake up life alittle rearranging things, trying to get out of the comfort zone so that I feel uncomfortable - to make a change.

My heart and my head are in constant conflict - looking ahead to the future is great, but what about today? Does today need to be sacrificed to make tomorrow better? Then what if tomorrow is just as bad - live for today people say, but most of my days are just kinda running together into loneliness. 

Trying new things and rearranging furniture is a great way to get you in the right frame of mind to change your life. When you have no idea what needs to change, you start just  changing everything. I don't know if this is a good reaction - some things do work and are good. So how do you know what to change and what to keep the same?

Moving forward is the best thing - as long as your not moving so fast that you miss the things that are passing you by, its not where your going, its the people and places you run into along the way that make the journey tolerable.

My life is such a mess right now that any change would be a good thing  - so that's what I am gonna do - try to keep my heart and my head going in the same direction, this is not an easy task at this point, but I am gonna try like hell - wish me luck!!

Today

Today is a good day -
I know that has been said before but  I really feel like I am turning a corner in my life, at least that is the hope. I finally got some sleep. My mind is fresh, of course it was 5am on a Sunday morning when I woke up and cannot sleep anymore. I don't know how much I am going to get accomplished today it being a holiday weekend, but I am going to try like hell to find out what I can do to get my life back on track.
The resources that are available to me will be used to the full extent of my abilities and what  I cant figure out on my own I am going to just hang on and hope that if I get some things going that some of the other things will fall into place - hope and pray.
Today is going to be a good day - the more I say it the more I believe it. I am going to make sure that something good happens everyday from now on,  I am going to celebrate even the smallest victories to so that I may stay on this track and feel good about where I am going. 

I don't know where I am going, but I am going to make the most of the journey I am on.

Shallow

Well usually I find myself writing about my deep inner thoughts - but  tonight for some reason I am feeling kinda shallow and flighty.
I haven't slept now in 2 days - it is 5am on a Friday morning and I have  so many worries and things to think about  that all I have been doing is lying here staring up at the ceiling.
I appreciate all of the people who have been there for me during the times when I was feeling so alone. Now I am thinking that maybe I should be alone to try to figure out all these things that are going on in my life, these are issues that no one can help me figure out. I just need to make a plan and implement it. This sounds pretty simple, but I am not sure how to go about the figuring out part. Every time I think that I will be ok and start thinking positive something just pops up that I either forgot about or never saw coming.
The emotional toll this situation has had on me is the worst, because I have never thought of myself as an emotional person but lately I have been finding myself wearing my heart on my sleeve - this makes me feel very vulnerable, this could be a good thing to get me out of my comfort zone and make the necessary changes  to fix this mess that I call my life.  
I am just worried that if I don't figure out how to get some sleep that I am going to be to much of a zombie to make any good decisions.

Alone

I know that this has been a recurring theme but this is different.
I have recently found my self alone for the first time in my life. I have never lived by myself before - at first I was enjoying it - a new experience. I still do enjoy it for the most part, I can do whatever I want whenever I want. For some reason though at night, when I realize that most of the people I know are sleeping, getting ready for the day ahead, I find myself feeling very alone.
The thoughts in my head start to go alittle crazy, thinking and dreaming and wondering. I  just start  pondering the way that I look at life and how others look at me and - well - the way the world works.
Life is  weird though, I have found some of the best people in the oddest places, people who I have known for a long time but never realized how much we had in common until we realized that we are both insomniacs, so I guess that not sleeping for a while has actually been a good thing for me. Its funny how sometimes you have to stop looking to find whats real.
Friendship is the best thing you can give anyone or receive from someone. More then once this year I have found people that I thought were in my past but seem to be more of my future then I realized.
I cherish my friends and I only wish I had more to give.

I will get where I am supposed to go - I am alone but I am not - that is my life lesson through all this.

Time

Well another month has gone by - this is alittle upsetting to me, but I will get there sooner or later - maybe "all in good time" should be the basis for my life right now. Nothing seems to go exactly the way I planned, but does it ever really, for anyone?
Life is like this whirlwind of thoughts and actions and people and things. I think,  sometimes we need to just let somethings just go past us and hope that it was for the best. Its when we get caught up in the windstorm that is our lives that we tend to miss the simple things, like just spending time with the ones we love or the joy of a good book or just looking around to take in nature. We all like to say "stop and smell the roses" but how many of us actually do? The only time we even think to stop and look around is when we are so overwhelmed by life that we have no choice

Time is the only force in the universe that only goes in one direction - we should think about that - its also one of  the only things we can never get back once it is wasted. That half hour that I spent being mad about something that  happened last week - wasted time I can never get back.  I try to be conscious of how much time I spend  being mad or upset, as this is not a productive use of my time - it is hard, but I try, I would rather try to spend my time making decisions that will get  me to a better place in my life. This is my hope at least, to use my time wisely - it obviously doesn't always work, but I keep trying.

Making other peoples lives better is always a good thing, helping others, in turn helps us, it makes us feel better about ourselves - and the better we feel, the more naturally relaxed we are. Well that's my theory at least.

Presentation

Well another week has come and gone, this would normally be disconcerting for me, but I a starting to think that good things are coming.  I hope that this is not just a delusion that I am feeding myself, but if it is and  it makes me feel better why not?
I have been more then impressed with the way people have reacted to me lately - I am hoping that this is a sign that I am presenting my self better.
Its like the chicken or the egg - do people react to the way you carry yourself or do you carry yourself the way people react to you? I would like to think that we can look at ourselves in the mirror and present ourselves the way we want  and have people react however they are going to and have it not bother us one way or another, but this is alittle naive, no matter how much we try - we do care about how other people see us  - my hope is that you care more about what you see in the mirror  then what everyone else sees when they look at you.
No matter how hard we try, the way we feel about ourselves shows in the way that we hold ourselves. Some people may call it aura, it may be spiritual, I don't know.  I do know that if you feel good about yourself, people see this and treat you with more respect,  they realize that you respect yourself and that you are capable of independent thoughts.

The way I see it - its a balancing act - be aware of how you present yourself but not so much that you forget who you are. I will try to take my own advice on this one - not sure it will work - but life is trial and error.

Decisions

Well I seem to be coming to my senses - thanking everyone who let me know I wasn't actually alone.

The fact that I just get in this really bad funk sometimes, just proves to me that we all need other people and I have been living my life thinking that I didn't.  I seem to feel, most of the time, that I am an island and this has worked for me for a while until - well now actually. I have had to reevaluate my life and take stock of what is important and do some serious soul searching and have actually learned alot about myself and how  I think people react to me and the way that I present myself.

I do believe that things happen at certain times in our lives to make us step back and look at where we are and if we are on the path to where we want to be. Every decision we make, every time we make no decision makes a difference on our path.
I have been less then enthusiastic about making life decisions while I am in this state of loneliness, but I have now decided that maybe this is the best time to change things and just have faith that I am doing the right thing. I plan on doing some reflecting and meditating on some things that require my attention - the rest I am going to just have faith that I am doing the right things for the right reasons.

So for now wish me luck 

Feelings

      Well this day has been pretty much the same as all the other ones that I have had recently - they are all starting to run together. Until now I have kept this blog pretty general and impersonal but toady I cant help but write about my life and how bad I am feeling lately.
I do not know how to describe the way that I feel other than to say I am very alone, and most of the time this is ok with me, I was even starting to enjoy it - not having to deal with anyone else telling me or asking me for anything, but somewhere along the line I have gotten lonely and I am not sure when or why that happened because I have always been pretty independent and hard to be around so this is a new feeling for me and I am truly confused by it.  The fact that I am also unemployed is a huge issue because not only am I alone but I am pretty bored most of the time - aside from the voices in my head I have no one to even bounce ideas off of to think outside the box about income or opportunities.
I need something to keep my head in the right place and moving forward, but right now and for the past little while I have felt very stagnant and to speak the truth overwhelmed by my situation .  I haven't slept very well and hence haven't been able to think very clearly during the day.  This has never been that big of a deal usually - I have had some sort of insomnia most of my life and have always been able to deal with it with out any manic episodes, but recently the days have been harder to get through and the nights are just - well days with no sunlight.
I never really do this - put myself out here all raw and with out my walls up - so I hope that no one takes offense to the fact that I am doing it publicly instead of going to someone in confidence - I wasn't sure who to turn to - as I said I am feeling very alone and not sure that feeling isn't just reality slapping me in the face.

Well that is enough of that - I never am like this - only a few people have seen me cry and those were very unusual circumstances - I never cry - its a sign of weakness I was once told and I guess it struck. I do find myself crying alone alot at home these days and I am not sure what to do about that.

People

What can be said about a persons life by the people that are in it or chose not to be?
The people that chose to be in our lives only for a short time say more about us then the people who stick around for the duration. Sometimes, the people who are always there are just there because they feel obligated or are just used to us and wouldn't know how to not be around us anymore - the people who get to know us and then choose to leave are more intriguing.  This is not to say that the people who chose to stay in our lives didn't make a conscious decision, they are the ones we need by our sides to get through our daily struggles and I wouldn't be here today if they did not stick by me. I just think that - well - sometimes don't you just wonder what people think of you? Years after they meet and disregard you, do you think they ever look back and ask them selves if they should have gotten to know you better?

I mean as I sit here and ponder all the people who have come in and out of my life - I wonder how many of them I pushed away or left just because I wasn't worth the effort.
For some there was no choice - God took them from me for some reason or another,  this intrigues me, they must have served their purpose and been here for a reason but I can help to think that they would have left too if they were not taken.
The fact that I am thinking of these people who are not here anymore is just proof that the people who stuck around and decided that I was worth something are more important to me than ever.

They say that laughter is the best medicine, but I am thinking that someone to make you laugh is more important than the laughter itself. Having people around you that just know what mood your in and how to make everything better is the best thing in the world.
So what happens when there is no one? 
Contentment is always good, but we get it confused with complacency and that is not good. There is always something better and more that we can strive for no matter how happy or content you are there is always more, more to do,  more to feel, more to love, more to be.

This is where we lose our way, we feel like this is all there is.

I hope and pray everyday that this is not all there is for me, there has to be more, more, more that I should be, more that I have yet to do, more that I need to accomplish.
I know that I was put on this earth for a good reason and that all the things that happen are part of a grand plan that I don't have be aware of, but this doesn't give me much solace in my plight to find my way through life or my purpose here.

I know that we are all looking for our place in the world and to know why we are here, and that my plight is not unique or even out of the ordinary. This actually gives me comfort, knowing that I am not alone - even when I am.
The loneliness gets to me sometimes, I am alone even when there are people next to me trying to help me.

Dispair

The thoughts of the day are always coming at me with great ambition in the middle of the night.  I wonder why that is? 
The thoughts of the day are behind this great wall all day long until I try to relax - is this just a sign of my mental strength to keep them at bay?  The fact that sleep evades me night after night is just a test of my mental fortitude. I must start dealing with these thoughts during the day while I have the capabilities to deal with or discard them from my mind, whatever the case may be.
These random thoughts that run through my brain must be actual issues that I need to deal with.

Some of the things that are going on in the world today just make me want to cry out and do something, but I am so paralyzed by my own life that I cant even get angry enough to talk to anyone about what is so obviously a huge problem with the world. This just perpetuates my thoughts into a cycle that I have yet to figure out how the break. 

I mean it is almost more then I can take at some moments I feel as if the whole world is falling apart around me and there is nothing I can do about it, as I watch everything that is good and right just fall apart - I am so completely overwhelmed by what is going on that I am not able to do anything about it.

I am hoping that someday I can overcome this feeling of dispair that I feel. 

appreciation

I have always thought of myself as appreciative - but sometimes people dont recognize this sincerely.  The fact that you just say "thank you" sometimes is not enough, you need to make sure people understand that you are truly grateful for them and how they have touched your life.
People often do not stop to even think about where they would be if they had never met the people they know or even just met briefly,  I think this is a shame and I am writing this to make sure that everyone I have ever met knows how much I truly appreciate and am grateful for the fact that they have touched my life in whatever way they have.
The people in our lives are our most valuable asset we can ever have.
I think maybe we ( I ) take that for granted. So often we are so busy with our day to day lives that we get distracted and annoyed so easily. 
I have been blessed by many people who have come and gone through my life - even the people that are not around anymore by my choice or theirs, or by God's hand.  They touched my life and I wouldn't be right here right now without them, and this is where I am supposed to be.

So this is "thank you" to all the people I have ever met - I appreciate you and how you have touched my life

friendship

The reason why it is so hard to ask for help is because ( I have established ) no matter how much you trust or think the person you are asking is just good hearted - they can always come back and throw the fact that you needed help back at you if the mood strikes them. Sometimes even when you don't ask and you think your friends are just being nice, which is why they are your friends to begin with, something happens to make them want to hurt you. Whether it is your fault or not no amount of apologies is going to be enough to make that feeling of betrayal go away.

How do the words "I love you"" turn into " how can I hurt you" so fast?  The things you tell your friends are things you wouldn't tell anyone else - this is what makes them your friends. The premise of a friendship should be trust and that should mean that even if the relationship changes or fades away - you can trust them with your inner most thoughts and secrets.

The end of any relationship is always sad and maybe it does hurt - but is that a reason to betray what the friendship once meant?

Well people are people - choose your Friends wisely and always guard your heart is the only advice  I can think of to make life better - but I will not take my own advice because that is no way to live. No one can find love or friendship if they have their heart locked away.

anticipation

There is something about waiting and anticipating that is just so unnerving.  The fact that we wait for everything that is worth it in life says something about the way we handle things in everyday life - the more patience we have the calmer we are. Every once in awhile though the waiting and hoping and praying just  gets to be too much and we feel the need to act on our instincts, this is not good or bad, depending on what those primal urges are telling us to do. The only thing we can control in these situations is our actions. This is a testament to our character - if we do the right thing and just be the good person we know we were meant to be - or if we just go after the first thing that we see as attractive or profitable with out any regard for the long term implications.

Asking for help is possibly one of the hardest things to do - but a friend of mine told me "everyone needs help sometimes". This is true, but that doesn't make it easier now does it??  I have always been kind of an island - at least that's what my family tells me. I have always tried to help people where I can, but never saw my self as "needed" but I guess sometimes everyone is, this is just a scary thought - I have always seen myself as the helper, not the helped.

I have opinions and views that are not welcomed by some people but does that make them less worthy of being voiced?

People -

I don't know sometimes what the hell people are thinking - but do I have to know?  I mean if what someone else is doing or saying isn't directly impacting my life does it really matter to me either way?
The fact that I even think about it means it has some impact doesn't it?

Its funny how the people we care for the most are the ones who get on our nerves the most as well.  The people we trust the most are the ones who are most likely to betray or hurt us - because we let them in and don't expect it.  The people we are cautious of cant hurt us because we don't let them.
We put up these walls to keep people out and to prevent us from getting hurt but they also keep out the joy and happiness that comes from trusting and loving someone so fully that the thought never occurs to us that they may hurt us because the pure happiness of being with them outweighs any  feeling of doubt that may be there.

The relationships we build through our lives are the hardest things to keep and grow . 

complicated

There are so many things in this world that are complicated like : war, the economy, the social structure of our culture, and many others that I have no idea about, so why do we continue to try to make the simple things way more complicated than they are?  Family, friends, and any other people we love are the simplest things in our lives, yet the relationships we have with these people are the most complicated?
I mean our emotions are not as complex as we think they are - we either love or don't, laugh or cry, help or hinder, feel or don't, these are pretty simple things that we have this almost obsession with making way more complicated then they are. That's not to say that they are easy, just not complicated. The heart wants what the heart wants whether it is good for us or not.
I mean really the world is in such a big mess right now and I believe that a big part of that is that we strive to find solutions to simple problems without logic or reason.
Sometimes in our everyday lives we see it - some people just cannot be reasoned with, how many times do we bang our heads against a wall before the headache gets so bad we feel the need for a better way?

I do understand that most people are just trying to get through the day without tragedy, which in today's day and age is tough enough, but when someone in authority tells us something that just defies logic we should say something to someone and ask questions.

early randon thoughts

                  There are a number of ways to get through life -
One is to try to be as good a person as you can - some people think this is boring - I think it has its advantages - like feeling good about yourself helping people always makes you feel good no matter what.
Another way is to just not care about anything else just think about yourself and no one else - this is called narcissism to think that your actions do not effect other people.
One more way is to just kinda glide through life not really getting anywhere just getting by and thinking this is all there is
The path  I like to think of myself as on is  - always trying to be better then you are, always growing and learning and making things better -
This is not all there is, there are limitless opportunities for us to just go after and attain.
This is not to say that I do not vary from this path (alot)  because it is the hardest path to stay on but I try, and hope that my efforts are not in vain.
The way we live our lives says something about who we are and who we want to be - the journey we are on is not supposed to be easy or even what we want,  but the meaning we are all trying so desperately to figure out is somewhere along our path. Sometimes we can see it but most times we are too caught up in our day to day crap that it is right in front of us and we can see it.
I have seen myself on all these paths - this the only one girls take on life and I admittedly have no clue 

Any path we choose is ours and we are on it for a reason

A good friend of mine told me this today and it kinda resonated with me:

can't let a roadmap get in the way of destiny

Life

Life is kinda funny -  just when you think that everything has gone wrong or the wrong way - something happens or you hear from an old friend who reminds you that it could be worse or that you are on the right track. That, I believe is fate telling you to just keep going even if you think its the wrong direction there is something on this road that you need to see or experience in order to be on the right path.

I am not sure if my life is going to be what I want it  to be, but I am sure it will be good,  the more I strive for the life I want, the more energy I have to do the things that need to be done to make my life the way it is supposed to be.
Life is a constant struggle. The struggle is what makes life worth living - think about it - if everything was just handed to us it would have no value - we take pride in the things we earn ourselves - that's what makes life worth living, that and our friends and family. That is what is really important - the people -  we strive to make people proud - our mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins and lastly ourselves.

This is the journey we are all on struggling for peace in our hearts and our minds.

More random thoughts

The state of the world freaks me out sometimes - I mean there are problems everywhere you look - near and far. I just dont get how the whole planet hasnt erupted into complete chaos - including our everyday lives.
The fact that everyone is so caught up just trying to get by in this crazy world to even stop and take a look at the mess that it has become - I am seriously frightened for our children and their children who are going to figure out this mess and try to clean it up - I pray for them.

Didnt really mean to get so deep but I just freak out sometimes. I think maybe we all just get too caught up in the problems of the day that we dont see the big picture.
This may very well be my minds way of distracting me from my problems of the day - my life is kind of a mess right now and it helps to think that the world is just falling apart and that I am just part of a grand scheme that no one really know about or really cares to know -  
No one knows whats gonna happen next,  so we all keep plugging through hoping and praying for the our next  big break at happiness.

random nightime thoughts

Just in case I didnt mention before I am also an insomniac. I have so many things going on in my head that I cant seem to shut it off to get any rest.
The whole world goes around and around and we just stay in one place, trying to survive and get through with out being hurt or having hurt someone else - it doesnt always work - check that - it never works, someone always gets hurt.
This is my way of venting and telling people how I have messed up and recovered ( if thats what you can call it) from the past mistakes  that have been made - dont get me wrong - I have no regrets - everything happens for a reason - just wish everything wasnt so damned painful.

My life in a nut shell - kinda

This is my attempt to get myself out of a serious funk I am in - getting out there - people tell me is the best thing to do when your in a rut -

I have been out of work now for 6months - sucks - but I  am still aggressively searching - not all that easy in todays economy  but I gotta get out of  the debt I racked up during this period.

I love my family and freinds very much and am willing to do anything for anyone who needs help this is not supposed to be a flaw, but more often than not it is.
I am always willing to help anyone anytime anywhere - most of my freinds know this and it is great to be needed.

I am also trying to figure out the secret to happiness, why does one persons happiness often come at anothers expense?
Some day I am hoping to make the people around me happy - along with my self - most of the time it is an either or kinda thing. I dont think it should be.

well for the beginning - thats a good start -

I am always open for advice - giving or getting - please feel free -


deb