my thoughts

I have been down this road before - aren't we supposed to learn from our mistakes?  What about matters of the heart? They are rarely in our control and often the most painful mistakes we make. This should teach us a lesson?

Yet deep down I know that I am just a hopeless romantic - waiting for prince charming to come and sweep me off my feet. The problem is I get swept too easily - I have had the feeling that - this is the right one so many times that I am afraid that I wont recognize the real one when it comes along and end up alone at Applebees at 60 years old wondering what the hell happened.

I think for all my stubbornness and proclamations of  independence that I am really afraid of being alone and the fact that it scares me, scares me - does that make sense? I have never been afraid of really anything so this is definitely a new feeling.
These days I feel alone even when I am with the with people who claim to love me - this I do not understand at all. Shouldn't that be enough to be loved?

The fact that my life is a train-wreck right now is making these emotions 100x worse because this should be the last thing on my mind - I should be trying to get my life together and get myself on the right path, yet all I keep pondering is if I am gonna be alone forever and is this it?

So I sit here in the silence of my mind and ponder whether or not I should be worried about such things right now or if I should just give in to the fact that I have already had my chances and I blew it and get over it and move on.
Right now the feeling that I have is hard to describe - my soul hurts