Well the past few days have been nothing new, just a mingle of crap and putting out fires and and just trying to get by. I just wanted to write - I love writing. I am taking a writing class now and am so excited. Getting all my thoughts out of my head and onto a page is very therapeutic. I am not sure if it will get me anywhere or do me any good but here they are:
The thought for the past few days is please God help me get through this and make me understand how I got here and to never go down this path again. I need to find a way to make money and kinda in a fast way before I become homeless and none of this will matter. I am a smart, resourceful, semi-attractive female why cant I figure out how to make a living?? This is just stupid that I cant get back on my feet it has been long enough for me to bounce back from tragedy and get on with my life.
Just my thoughts take them for what they are worth. I will figure it out someday - just hoping that I get it before the damage is irrevocable.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Latest issues
5/9/2011 4:25 PM
Ok so today is kind of a waste but I am going to make the best of it – I hope! We have no internet or telephone or for that matter tv but that doesn’t bother me so much, It will give me time to think and reflect on how to fix this mess – I am going to meditate and try to make a plan. It just seems that whenever I have some sort of plan that some catastrophe comes by and just sucks the plan I had out the window. Today the plan was to put in an Avon order (to maybe make some money) guess what? Cant do it without the internet! I was also supposed to start my new classes today and was kind of excited – I take classes online – do you see the irony of not having internet access? So today is like the lost day, hoping that the crap will be back on tomorrow, though I am not sure.
I am wring this knowing full well that no one will see or be able to read it until some later date so I have dated and time stamped it for when I do get back online, who ever reads this will know when all this occurred and not be confused about not having internet and being able to post this
Ok – Off to meditate
The only thing that I am sure of is that I need some source of income so that I can find my way through this darkness.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
My Mother's Day sentiment
As I think of Mother’s Day, I not only think about my mom, but all the other mother-figures in my life. I have not always been the best person, and these people looked beyond that to nurture me and help me find my way and I want to thank them all.
Everyone please don’t forget any other women who helped you get through, they deserve appreciation and a thought from us so they know what they meant to us.
My mother figures include: my step-mom who took me in at my worst, my sister who always looks out for me, a boss that I looked up to and always gave advice from the heart and knew me better then I knew myself sometimes, and an aunt(s) that is always there to give me that push I need even when I don’t necessarily want it.
I just wanted to make sure the “other mothers” in my life knew that I appreciated them and love them. Although, I do not always show it, all these women, including my mom, have helped shape my life and make me the person that I am and I appreciate and care deeply for them even when they are far away.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
My view on recent Events
I haven't written in a while and there is a lot of stuff going on so I figured I would put in my 2 cents.
The first being the news: The death of Osama Bin Ladan I am not sure how I feel about this, I mean I am glad that this huge chapter of this country's history may be coming to an end, but I cant shake the feeling of "whats next?" I mean all that I have ever been taught is that the death of any man is not to be celebrated - but on one hand I am not sure he was actually a man and not just a manifestation of evil. I am just alittle bit disheartened by the celebration. The fact that this effected me so profoundly is a question I can not answer.
As far as my life well that is a whole other issue, conflict on top of conflict seems to be the theme for the week. I have bunch of irons in the fire and find my self waiting for something to come through, but I am so anxious that I cant sit still. I feel as though I am going to crawl out of my skin. I feel as if I should be doing something yet every time I try to make a move it gets stopped by some thing outside of me.
I feel like I am very close to some sort of break through, it just seems right out of reach. I have been thinking outside the box as they say and have had some success, so lets just hope that I can stay on some kind of forward momentum and that it is not too little too late.
The first being the news: The death of Osama Bin Ladan I am not sure how I feel about this, I mean I am glad that this huge chapter of this country's history may be coming to an end, but I cant shake the feeling of "whats next?" I mean all that I have ever been taught is that the death of any man is not to be celebrated - but on one hand I am not sure he was actually a man and not just a manifestation of evil. I am just alittle bit disheartened by the celebration. The fact that this effected me so profoundly is a question I can not answer.
As far as my life well that is a whole other issue, conflict on top of conflict seems to be the theme for the week. I have bunch of irons in the fire and find my self waiting for something to come through, but I am so anxious that I cant sit still. I feel as though I am going to crawl out of my skin. I feel as if I should be doing something yet every time I try to make a move it gets stopped by some thing outside of me.
I feel like I am very close to some sort of break through, it just seems right out of reach. I have been thinking outside the box as they say and have had some success, so lets just hope that I can stay on some kind of forward momentum and that it is not too little too late.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Good/bad/indifferent
Well today is a good day and a bad day. This day I woke up full of ideas and ways to get my self out of this mess. Thinking outside the box, as they say, is the only way that I am gonna fix this.I am not sure if this is what I supposed to be doing but, what I have been doing so far hasn't worked so...
I am going to take some of my skills that I have believed were useless and turn them into something I can do to make money, I am not sure how yet but, I am going to try and try again till I figure it out. I do believe that if I was given a gift it needs to be brought to its full potential.
No one is coming to my rescue, even if they say they are they aren't, I realize this now, it is up to me and if anyone wants to come along for the ride that's fine with me, but buckle up - it may get a little bumpy along the way!!
These are my thoughts of the day and I hope it keeps up, maybe I will get something accomplished that I can be proud of and feel good about - we will see.
I am going to take some of my skills that I have believed were useless and turn them into something I can do to make money, I am not sure how yet but, I am going to try and try again till I figure it out. I do believe that if I was given a gift it needs to be brought to its full potential.
No one is coming to my rescue, even if they say they are they aren't, I realize this now, it is up to me and if anyone wants to come along for the ride that's fine with me, but buckle up - it may get a little bumpy along the way!!
These are my thoughts of the day and I hope it keeps up, maybe I will get something accomplished that I can be proud of and feel good about - we will see.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Here we go again!!
OK so today sucked - but I am not discouraged - well not alot atleast. My biggest issue is that I do believe that my car is actually sabotaging me - everytime that I have an interview for a good job that happens to be a distance away from my house I get all excited and get up early and get ready and the friggin thing wont start!!!
I missed 2 interviews today and now about 5 hours too late the car is running fine, REALLY????
The mortgage doubled this month - this is an issue since I could really make the old payments never mind double them, I dont know what I am gonna do - I need a good job and I need to start like now. I am doing well in school - doesnt really do much for my current situation - so I will be a smart, homeless person.
I have to admit I am trying, but it is gettting more and more difficult to keep a stiff upper lip at this point.
My body is in a constant state of tension to the point where my jaw locks up and I cant even eat or talk - I know that it is a stress thing but what am I supposed to do about it? I cant just not stress - I have to get out of this mess!
I missed 2 interviews today and now about 5 hours too late the car is running fine, REALLY????
The mortgage doubled this month - this is an issue since I could really make the old payments never mind double them, I dont know what I am gonna do - I need a good job and I need to start like now. I am doing well in school - doesnt really do much for my current situation - so I will be a smart, homeless person.
I have to admit I am trying, but it is gettting more and more difficult to keep a stiff upper lip at this point.
My body is in a constant state of tension to the point where my jaw locks up and I cant even eat or talk - I know that it is a stress thing but what am I supposed to do about it? I cant just not stress - I have to get out of this mess!
Friday, April 8, 2011
I don't know how much more that I can take of this life that I have. Every time that I even have a thought of getting out of this mess something happens to take me right back to where I feel like it is hopeless. I am not sure what the plan is but I wish I just knew if I was supposed to give up or keep fighting, I just don't know how much strength that I have left.
I just want to spend time with my son and not have him look at me with disappointment. I don't think that that is too much to ask really - I guess that I have to earn that by getting my shit together. I just don't know how anymore.
I am having such a bad day - it didn't start out that bad, which is new, it started out ok but then it was like someone just kept throwing roadblocks at me and well I don't know how to jump over this many at a time.
I set up 2 interviews and took an online assessment for a job today so that was good. When I went to pick up my son the stupid car wont start. This is not a new issue for me it has been doing this for days - it lets me get places and home then when I actually need to get something accomplished it wont run - I feel like it is a sign.
The rest of the day was spent wringing my hands and trying not to cry, I really wanted to see my son. The job opportunities are not coming in as much as they should so I really need to get on these interviews. Plus my mom has been sick and I am worried about her and well the rest of the world seems to have gone mad.
Not to digress too much but the government has lost heir minds as well as the media and and any other information outlet I can find. I get that this country is in trouble - we all get it, but do we really need to be telling other countries where we have troops that we are a mess???
Sorry for that rant but I am kinda sick of hearing and seeing that the whole world is going nuts, it just pains me sometimes to see the heartbreak everywhere.
I just want to spend time with my son and not have him look at me with disappointment. I don't think that that is too much to ask really - I guess that I have to earn that by getting my shit together. I just don't know how anymore.
I am having such a bad day - it didn't start out that bad, which is new, it started out ok but then it was like someone just kept throwing roadblocks at me and well I don't know how to jump over this many at a time.
I set up 2 interviews and took an online assessment for a job today so that was good. When I went to pick up my son the stupid car wont start. This is not a new issue for me it has been doing this for days - it lets me get places and home then when I actually need to get something accomplished it wont run - I feel like it is a sign.
The rest of the day was spent wringing my hands and trying not to cry, I really wanted to see my son. The job opportunities are not coming in as much as they should so I really need to get on these interviews. Plus my mom has been sick and I am worried about her and well the rest of the world seems to have gone mad.
Not to digress too much but the government has lost heir minds as well as the media and and any other information outlet I can find. I get that this country is in trouble - we all get it, but do we really need to be telling other countries where we have troops that we are a mess???
Sorry for that rant but I am kinda sick of hearing and seeing that the whole world is going nuts, it just pains me sometimes to see the heartbreak everywhere.
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