I know its been a long time since I wrote anything here - I have been very busy, getting my life together. Trying that is - everytime I think that I am getting somewhere life throws me a new curve-ball, I thought at first that that was a good thing - you know, God wont give you anything you cant handle, and all, but this time I am clearly out of my league to figure out the solution.
I have been having crazy thoughts and feelings about my whole situation and have been praying for some guidance and every time that I think that I am doing the right thing it turns out to be the exact wrong thing to do.
I am in a worse place now than I have ever been and I have no way of knowing what to do. Court dates and job searches and schoolwork and everything else I can handle but not having to find another place to live in the middle of all of this and now my son's school and my mom trying to help but has no clue how bad it is, no one really does - mostly because I haven't told anyone because I am ashamed of the mess that I have made of my life. I am a 35 year old woman who is incapable of taking care of herself - let alone anyone else. Why is that? Is there something wrong with me? Have I completed my time on this earth and now it is time for me to move on? I have no idea, I just know that something has to break before I have to make some decisions I am not really equipped to make.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Saturday, May 14, 2011
No real updates
Well the past few days have been nothing new, just a mingle of crap and putting out fires and and just trying to get by. I just wanted to write - I love writing. I am taking a writing class now and am so excited. Getting all my thoughts out of my head and onto a page is very therapeutic. I am not sure if it will get me anywhere or do me any good but here they are:
The thought for the past few days is please God help me get through this and make me understand how I got here and to never go down this path again. I need to find a way to make money and kinda in a fast way before I become homeless and none of this will matter. I am a smart, resourceful, semi-attractive female why cant I figure out how to make a living?? This is just stupid that I cant get back on my feet it has been long enough for me to bounce back from tragedy and get on with my life.
Just my thoughts take them for what they are worth. I will figure it out someday - just hoping that I get it before the damage is irrevocable.
The thought for the past few days is please God help me get through this and make me understand how I got here and to never go down this path again. I need to find a way to make money and kinda in a fast way before I become homeless and none of this will matter. I am a smart, resourceful, semi-attractive female why cant I figure out how to make a living?? This is just stupid that I cant get back on my feet it has been long enough for me to bounce back from tragedy and get on with my life.
Just my thoughts take them for what they are worth. I will figure it out someday - just hoping that I get it before the damage is irrevocable.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Latest issues
5/9/2011 4:25 PM
Ok so today is kind of a waste but I am going to make the best of it – I hope! We have no internet or telephone or for that matter tv but that doesn’t bother me so much, It will give me time to think and reflect on how to fix this mess – I am going to meditate and try to make a plan. It just seems that whenever I have some sort of plan that some catastrophe comes by and just sucks the plan I had out the window. Today the plan was to put in an Avon order (to maybe make some money) guess what? Cant do it without the internet! I was also supposed to start my new classes today and was kind of excited – I take classes online – do you see the irony of not having internet access? So today is like the lost day, hoping that the crap will be back on tomorrow, though I am not sure.
I am wring this knowing full well that no one will see or be able to read it until some later date so I have dated and time stamped it for when I do get back online, who ever reads this will know when all this occurred and not be confused about not having internet and being able to post this
Ok – Off to meditate
The only thing that I am sure of is that I need some source of income so that I can find my way through this darkness.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
My Mother's Day sentiment
As I think of Mother’s Day, I not only think about my mom, but all the other mother-figures in my life. I have not always been the best person, and these people looked beyond that to nurture me and help me find my way and I want to thank them all.
Everyone please don’t forget any other women who helped you get through, they deserve appreciation and a thought from us so they know what they meant to us.
My mother figures include: my step-mom who took me in at my worst, my sister who always looks out for me, a boss that I looked up to and always gave advice from the heart and knew me better then I knew myself sometimes, and an aunt(s) that is always there to give me that push I need even when I don’t necessarily want it.
I just wanted to make sure the “other mothers” in my life knew that I appreciated them and love them. Although, I do not always show it, all these women, including my mom, have helped shape my life and make me the person that I am and I appreciate and care deeply for them even when they are far away.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
My view on recent Events
I haven't written in a while and there is a lot of stuff going on so I figured I would put in my 2 cents.
The first being the news: The death of Osama Bin Ladan I am not sure how I feel about this, I mean I am glad that this huge chapter of this country's history may be coming to an end, but I cant shake the feeling of "whats next?" I mean all that I have ever been taught is that the death of any man is not to be celebrated - but on one hand I am not sure he was actually a man and not just a manifestation of evil. I am just alittle bit disheartened by the celebration. The fact that this effected me so profoundly is a question I can not answer.
As far as my life well that is a whole other issue, conflict on top of conflict seems to be the theme for the week. I have bunch of irons in the fire and find my self waiting for something to come through, but I am so anxious that I cant sit still. I feel as though I am going to crawl out of my skin. I feel as if I should be doing something yet every time I try to make a move it gets stopped by some thing outside of me.
I feel like I am very close to some sort of break through, it just seems right out of reach. I have been thinking outside the box as they say and have had some success, so lets just hope that I can stay on some kind of forward momentum and that it is not too little too late.
The first being the news: The death of Osama Bin Ladan I am not sure how I feel about this, I mean I am glad that this huge chapter of this country's history may be coming to an end, but I cant shake the feeling of "whats next?" I mean all that I have ever been taught is that the death of any man is not to be celebrated - but on one hand I am not sure he was actually a man and not just a manifestation of evil. I am just alittle bit disheartened by the celebration. The fact that this effected me so profoundly is a question I can not answer.
As far as my life well that is a whole other issue, conflict on top of conflict seems to be the theme for the week. I have bunch of irons in the fire and find my self waiting for something to come through, but I am so anxious that I cant sit still. I feel as though I am going to crawl out of my skin. I feel as if I should be doing something yet every time I try to make a move it gets stopped by some thing outside of me.
I feel like I am very close to some sort of break through, it just seems right out of reach. I have been thinking outside the box as they say and have had some success, so lets just hope that I can stay on some kind of forward momentum and that it is not too little too late.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Good/bad/indifferent
Well today is a good day and a bad day. This day I woke up full of ideas and ways to get my self out of this mess. Thinking outside the box, as they say, is the only way that I am gonna fix this.I am not sure if this is what I supposed to be doing but, what I have been doing so far hasn't worked so...
I am going to take some of my skills that I have believed were useless and turn them into something I can do to make money, I am not sure how yet but, I am going to try and try again till I figure it out. I do believe that if I was given a gift it needs to be brought to its full potential.
No one is coming to my rescue, even if they say they are they aren't, I realize this now, it is up to me and if anyone wants to come along for the ride that's fine with me, but buckle up - it may get a little bumpy along the way!!
These are my thoughts of the day and I hope it keeps up, maybe I will get something accomplished that I can be proud of and feel good about - we will see.
I am going to take some of my skills that I have believed were useless and turn them into something I can do to make money, I am not sure how yet but, I am going to try and try again till I figure it out. I do believe that if I was given a gift it needs to be brought to its full potential.
No one is coming to my rescue, even if they say they are they aren't, I realize this now, it is up to me and if anyone wants to come along for the ride that's fine with me, but buckle up - it may get a little bumpy along the way!!
These are my thoughts of the day and I hope it keeps up, maybe I will get something accomplished that I can be proud of and feel good about - we will see.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Here we go again!!
OK so today sucked - but I am not discouraged - well not alot atleast. My biggest issue is that I do believe that my car is actually sabotaging me - everytime that I have an interview for a good job that happens to be a distance away from my house I get all excited and get up early and get ready and the friggin thing wont start!!!
I missed 2 interviews today and now about 5 hours too late the car is running fine, REALLY????
The mortgage doubled this month - this is an issue since I could really make the old payments never mind double them, I dont know what I am gonna do - I need a good job and I need to start like now. I am doing well in school - doesnt really do much for my current situation - so I will be a smart, homeless person.
I have to admit I am trying, but it is gettting more and more difficult to keep a stiff upper lip at this point.
My body is in a constant state of tension to the point where my jaw locks up and I cant even eat or talk - I know that it is a stress thing but what am I supposed to do about it? I cant just not stress - I have to get out of this mess!
I missed 2 interviews today and now about 5 hours too late the car is running fine, REALLY????
The mortgage doubled this month - this is an issue since I could really make the old payments never mind double them, I dont know what I am gonna do - I need a good job and I need to start like now. I am doing well in school - doesnt really do much for my current situation - so I will be a smart, homeless person.
I have to admit I am trying, but it is gettting more and more difficult to keep a stiff upper lip at this point.
My body is in a constant state of tension to the point where my jaw locks up and I cant even eat or talk - I know that it is a stress thing but what am I supposed to do about it? I cant just not stress - I have to get out of this mess!
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