Perspective

Well here it is February and I am not sure how I feel about this new year yet - its kind of a mixed bag, really. On one hand I am not sure of anything as far as where I am going or what is gonna happen next, but on the other hand I have this weird optimism that has come over me lately that makes me feel like everything is going to be ok - no matter what I do. I am not sure where it is coming from this overwhelming feeling that something good is going to happen, but I will take it - it has given me strength I didn't even know that I had and that is something.

I  am feeling very grateful for all that I do have and concentrating less on my temporary situation. This has given me a new perspective and I appreciate that very much

I thank God everyday for being here with me and helping me get through this mess

aftermath

OK so the major holiday is over - its kinda depressing.
I love having my family and friends around and cooking and taking care of things and making sure that everything is perfect ( I get a little anal) that's what I like to do - I was alittle disappointed  that I couldn't give the gifts that I really wanted to give due to my financial constraints - but I gave into that - there was nothing I could do about that right now. I was also a bit upset that I didn't get to see all of my family this year - everyone was so busy and I had  no way to get around, but again I have accepted that too.

Now that everyone is gone and it is all over I am feeling a bit lonely and well lost, plus the few gifts I did manage to scrap up the money for, remain here after everyone left - that kinda hurt my feelings a bit but again I am sure I will be fine - and learn a lesson in the end.

I am however a little bit concerned about my mom at this point - she stayed here for the holiday, which was nice. She got a terrible phone call on Christmas Day that a good friend of hers had passed away in her apartment ( upstairs from my mom's ) it was tragic - as she was young. My mom talked about when she went home the first thing she wanted to do was see her and talk about the events of holiday and family, etc. So I am not sure if she is going to be too lonely in her apartment with out her friend. She says that she will be OK, I sure wish she would have stayed here so that I could see for myself that she is OK.

I am going through the " holiday blues" I guess - I am sure that next year will be better and I am going to start making good decisions and getting my life back on track - this is my year!!!

Welcome 2012!!

Holidays

Well here it is December 11th, 2011 -
I really thought that this year would be better than last - so much for hope. I mean I am not with out hope for a Christmas miracle but I am not expecting it.
I love the holiday season I just wish that I had more to offer than hope - to my family, to my friends, and truly to the world. I love to give - I just have nothing left to give - well I still have the love that I feel for all the people in my life; I know it sounds odd but I have a deep love all people and wish that I could do more to make the world we live in better for everyone, I am just a lonely, depressed lady with not too much to offer anyone.

 I hope everyone has a joyous  holiday season - no matter how you celebrate.!!

My holidays will turn out alright I will hopefully get to see family, and not be too embarrassed by my situation to have a conversation. My family is great and I wish them all the best -

wow its been a while!!

I know its been a long time since I wrote anything here - I have been very busy, getting my life together. Trying that is - everytime I think that I am getting somewhere life throws me a new curve-ball, I thought at first that that was a good thing - you know, God wont give you anything you cant handle, and all, but this time I am clearly out of my league to figure out the solution.

I have been having crazy thoughts and feelings about my whole situation and have been praying for some guidance and every time that I think that I am doing the right thing it  turns out to be the exact wrong thing to do.

I am in a worse place now than I have ever been and I have no way of knowing what to do. Court dates and job searches and schoolwork and everything else I can handle but not having to find another place to live in the middle of all of this and now my son's school and my mom trying to help but has no clue how bad it is, no one really does - mostly because I haven't told anyone because I am ashamed of the mess that I have made of my life. I am a 35 year old woman who is incapable of taking care of herself - let alone anyone else. Why is that? Is there something wrong with me? Have I completed my time on this earth and now it is time for me to move on? I have no idea, I just know that something has to break before I have to make some decisions I am not really equipped to make.

No real updates

Well the past few days have been nothing new, just a mingle of crap and putting out fires and and just trying to get by. I just wanted to write - I love writing. I am taking a writing class now and am so excited. Getting all my thoughts out of my head and onto a page is very therapeutic. I am not sure if it will get me anywhere or do me any good but here they are:

The thought for the past few days is please God help me get through this and make me understand how I got here and to never go down this path again. I need to find a way to make money and kinda in a fast way before I become homeless and none of this will matter. I am a smart, resourceful, semi-attractive female why cant I figure out how to make a living?? This is just stupid that I cant get back on my feet it has been long enough for me to bounce back from tragedy and get on with my life.

Just my thoughts take them for what they are worth. I will figure it out someday - just hoping that I get it before the damage is irrevocable.

Latest issues

5/9/2011 4:25 PM

Ok so today is kind of a waste but I am going to make the best of it – I hope! We have no internet or telephone or for that matter tv but that doesn’t bother me so much, It will give me time to think and reflect on how to fix this mess – I am going to meditate and try to make a plan. It just seems that whenever I have some sort of plan that some catastrophe comes by and just sucks the plan I had out the window.  Today the plan was to put in an Avon order (to maybe make some money) guess what? Cant do it without the internet!  I was also supposed to start my new classes today and was kind of excited – I take classes online – do you see the irony of not having internet access? So today is like the lost day, hoping that the crap will be back on tomorrow, though I am not sure.

I am wring this knowing full well that no one will see or be able to read it until some later date so I have dated and time stamped it for when I do get back online, who ever reads this will know when all this occurred and not be confused about not having internet and being able to post this

Ok – Off to meditate

The only thing that I am sure of is that I need some source of income so that I can find my way through this darkness.

My Mother's Day sentiment

As I think of Mother’s Day, I not only think about my mom, but all the other mother-figures in my life. I have not always been the best person, and these people looked beyond that to nurture me and help me find my way and I want to thank them all.

Everyone please don’t forget any other women who helped you get through, they deserve appreciation and a thought from us so they know what they meant to us. 

My mother figures include: my step-mom who took me in at my worst, my sister who always looks out for me, a boss that I looked up to and always gave advice from the heart and knew me better then I knew myself sometimes, and an aunt(s) that is always there to give me that push I need even when I don’t necessarily want it.

I just wanted to make sure the “other mothers” in my life knew that I appreciated them and love them.  Although, I do not always show it,  all these women, including my mom, have helped shape my life and make me the person that I am and I appreciate and care deeply for them even when they are far away.